Work

Jokes

My favourite kind of humour

Im looking for words to use in the following joke format.

Person 1: ‘Have you got any scone-on?

Person 2: ‘whats scone-on?

Person 1: not much really, whats going on with you?

Other ones that work in place of scone-on are:

‘updog’
‘sappening’.

Please comment more!


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Penguins

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I got in trouble at work for stealing a mixing implement

But that was a whisk I was willing to take.

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There was a Pirate Captain who had an interesting way of pillaging ships..

Prowling the edges of dangerous waters where storms and large reefs were common, the Captain and his crew would pick out the most stricken merchant vessels limping out of a storm, then swiftly close in.

 

Once their pirate ship was alongside the merchant vessel however, the pirates wouldn't then go all cannons and cutlass on their prey. Instead, they w


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A woman was in a coma

and she had been in it for months. Nurses were in her room giving her a blanket bath. One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor when she touched her. They tried it again and sure enough there was a small, recognisable movement.

They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him, "Crazy as this sounds, mayb


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A circus acrobat asked me out on a date...

It didn't work out, he was too high strung. Due to not knowing the ropes, I couldn't meet him at his level.

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What do you call Thai people who work in content writing?

Typewriter

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Daaaamn, girl. You're like my appendix...

Because I dont understand how you work, but this feeling in my stomach makes me wanna take you out.

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What do a necrophiliac coroner and an alcoholic office manager have in common?

They both like to crack open a cold one at work

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As a summer job I would work for the circus, my job was to circumcise the elephants...

The pay wasn’t that good, but the tips were HUGE

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While driving to work today, I saw a huge cheesecake...

Around the next corner was a large trifle, followed by an apple turnover. There were no cars. It seemed to me the roads were strangely desserted.

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Jokes about inductive reasoning are never funny

Believe me. Tried it many times; doesn't work.

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I was making fancy French cheese...

I tried to make the rind but it didn't work. Turns out I had used penicillin instead of *Penicillium*...

Just one more food ruined by antibrieotics...

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An old man is telling his friend about Viagra ...

"Does it really work?" his friend asks.

"Like a charm," the old man responds. "It keeps me up all night!"

"Can you get it over the counter?" the friend inquires, excitedly.

"If I take two!"

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I work in a pharmacy and during inventory they found a bottle of 360 viagra missing.

Someone is going to have a hard year.

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Why is Daredevil not a part of the Avengers?

Because he doesn't work with Vision

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What is your best casino joke?

I work in a casino and want to hear your best one.

Here is mine: what's the difference between a canoe and a baccarat player?

A canoe sometimes tips!

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Password

I was in a couple’s home trying to fix their Internet connection. 
The husband called out to his wife 
in the other room for the system password. “Start with a capital S, then 123,” she shouted back.
We tried S123 several times, but 
it didn’t work. So we called his wife in. As she input the password, she muttered, “I really don’t know what’s s


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The Green Gnome NSFW

A man goes to an adult super store in search of a new and exciting toy to please his wife. He asks the store owner if he has anything special. The store owner shows him what he refers to as The Magic Green Gnome, but it's very expensive. The man decides that there is no price too steep for his wife's happiness, so he makes the purchase. He gives his wife the new toy and she puts it in he


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Dmitri the poet

Dmitri was a struggling poet in his village. He could craft the greatest of ballads, but no one would listen to them. They were too preoccupied with the two big-time poets in the neighboring castle. The poets called themselves ShakespeareA and ShakespeareB. Their work was terrible, but the common folk were so enticed with the original work of the real Shakespeare that the brand name just kept roll


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"No Homo"

"No homo" cries the team at a dig site. The head archeologist sinks to his knees sobbing. He has dedicated his entire career to the pursuit of homo habilis, an important part of the hominid evolutionary line. All his work led up to this archeological dig site. But now his whole life has been for nothing there is no homo. . . . there is only Australopithecus.


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I just got a job typing capital letters for a one-armed secretary

She's really nice, but I can't stand the shift work.

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Got written up for being moody at work today. They told me to leave my problems at the door...

That door is gonna need a shitload of therapy.

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Theres a huge difference between getting off of work

And getting of at work

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Computers are like women

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Three KGB inspectors decide visit a Siberian prison

They decide to check on three young prisioners who started working recently but were put in prison, and ask them some questions.

The first inspector asks the first prisoner:"How did you get in here?

He answers:"For the past week my clock would wake me up early so I came into work early, they accused me of being a spy and put me in here.


The s


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I've been cycling to work for a whole month now

You would have thought I would be there by now

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So, there's a Mommy particle, a Daddy particle, and a Baby particle...

...and they all came together.

Not my best physics joke, but hey it's a big universe-- I have a lot of material to work with.

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So there's a mommy particle, a daddy particle, and a baby particle...

...and they all came together.

​

Not my best physics joke, but hey it's a big universe-- I have a lot of material to work with.

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When I come to work, I always hide...

Because a good employee is hard to find!

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How does the outcast 8th Dwarf, Sleazy, start his work day?

With a song, "Hi hoes, hi hoes! Off to work you go!"

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Why doesn't stalin's plane work?

he left the right wing in the gulag

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TIFU by having sex with a 14 year old

This joke might work if you mistook this for another sub

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Calling In Sick

A woman calls her boss one morning and tells him that she is staying home because she's not feeling well.

"What's the matter?" he asks.

"I have a case of anal glaucoma," she says in a weak voice.

"What in the hell is anal glaucoma?" he inquires.

"Well, I just can't see my ass coming to work today.


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My wife wants me in better shape.

We started implementing work out routines into our foreplay.

I do sit ups while performing cunnilingus.

Crunch and Munch.

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Why did John enter his work meeting with a pan, chicken and a bag of vegetables?

He thought it was casual fry day.

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I have some jokes about unemployment

Oh wait they never work

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A conversation between two friends:

"I got dumped by my girlfriend for objectifying women"


"What happened?"


"It didn't work out..."


"Yeah but why?"


"I told you, it didn't work out!"

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My favorite joke clean joke for my cakeday.

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A bloke I work with says he's dating twins...

I asked him "How do you tell them apart?"
"That's easy..." he says "...Marie's got blonde hair and Brian's got a beard."

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A man comes home from work early, his wife asks,

- You came early honey, what happened ?

- I quit my job, I just couldn't stay there after what that man said to me.

- Really ? That's awful. What did he say to you though ?

- "You're fired."

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I came up behind my wife to day and kissed her on the cheek

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My cheating ex is an Internet porn star!

Well, now she is anyway.

I know, I know. Dick move. Work with me here.

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I walked in from work today and my wife was sitting on the sofa with my girlfriend.

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A man phones his work and says

"Sorry I cant come in today, I'm sick"

His boss asks "How sick are you?"

"Well" , the man replies, "you be the judge. I'm in bed with my sister"

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A Church was plunged into darkness.

So the Priest tried to fix the lighting with no joy, then an old man says to the congress please everyone raise your hands, they all raised their hands and the lights came on:

Moral of the story many hands make light work:

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I have to walk by the abortion clinic to go to work.

And man does the dumpster smell.

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Two men go to a job fair seeking employment (long)

They scan the room and approach the table of an available recruitment officer.
"Hello gentlemen, please have a seat and we can begin."
The two men sit in the chairs and pull up to the table.
"Now," says the recruitment officer, "hopefully we can find employment for both of you based on your prior work experience. We have a wide variety of jobs availabl


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Engineering a prototype

Whenever we have a new project and we get to the prototype stage, the first ever prototype to fulfil all criteria without malfunction is called in10. We then continue to build several more prototypes who should all work just the same and without glaring bugs or errors happening. We usually count them down in9, in8, in7, etc.

If there is a mistake, we start anew. But the prototyping ph


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Whats the litest party you ever been to?

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