Weekend

Jokes

If you live in Florida, make sure to take a black and white photo of the hurricane this weekend.

I'm not exactly sure why, but I've heard a lot of buzz about a picture of Dorian, grey. People seem pretty wilde about it.

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Hurricane Dorian is to make landfall in Florida this weekend.

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My girlfriend said shell have sex tonight if this post gets 100 upvotes

Please dont my gf is away for the weekend

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My friend: My wifes out of town this weekend

Me: Oh where to?
My friend: She said she was on a trip to Bangkok

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I went fishing last weekend and almost caught a huge catfish, but somehow it slipped the hook before I got it on the boat

I'm still reeling from the loss.

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Last weekend, we played paintball at a Weight Watchers congress.

It was a mass shooting.

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This weekend I'm curing my masturbation addiction once and for all...

Either I'm going to beat it, or I'm going to beat it.

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My 10 year high school reunion was this weekend...

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Ive been asked if I want to go for a weekend away to a Central European country by a guy at work.

Hungary?

No, Dave the cleaner. Gary is married.

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Sleep is for the weak

No sleep is for the weekend

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I lost my job as a surgeon.

Apparently, I shouldn't have left unfinished work over the weekend.

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Why does the priest hate the 4th of July?

Because Little Johnny's parents always take him away on vacation that weekend.

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I went hiking with my girlfriend at the weekend when suddenly this huge brown bear came charging at us.

I went hiking with my girlfriend at the weekend when suddenly this huge brown bear came charging at us.

It was really mad. We must have come close to her cubs and she was protecting them, or something.

Luckily, I had my gun with me.

One shot to my girlfriend's kneecap was all it took. I could walk away at a comfortable pace.


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Two dumb blondes are chatting about their latest sexual adventures

Blonde 1: Last weekend I had sex with 2 Mexican guys at the same time.

Blonde 2: Oh yeah? Last weekend I had sex with a Brazilian!

Blonde 1: (completely in shock) Holy shit! How many is a Brazillion?

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An Athiest, a Muslim, a Catholic, and two Protestants go to a lake house for the weekend.

No joke, this literally happened to me last week...

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My brother in law had issues at the lake this weekend. His dock collapsed again. I told him the secret fix to resolve his issues.

He needs to call a doctor.

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Two old men decided to go to Amsterdam for the weekend after their wives died. (NSFW)

Two old men decided to go to Amsterdam for the weekend after their wives died. After a solid day drinking they went back to their hotels.

Upon returning to the hotel they both thought it'd be a good idea to order prostitutes. So they asked the receptionist if they could have some sent up to their rooms to join them and they both went off into their separate rooms to wait for the


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When I refused to buy her concert tickets for this weekend, my 15 year old daughter threatened to cry a river.

I had to remind her she's too self absorbed for that to be possible.

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Last weekend I went to see my baby cousin's baptism. It turns out that he was only around 2 catholic after the ceremony.

Someone replaced the holy water with milk.

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An elderly Catholic school teacher was seduced by the priest.

As she got out of his bed and began to get dressed, she said, "I can't face the children next week and tell them to be good, when I'm nothing but a regular sinner!"

"Regular sinner? Sister Catherine, you've only done it once!" said the priest.

"True," she replied, "but we still have the whole weekend ahead of us, don'


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My friend made it his lifes mission to fight poverty.

He wrestles homeless guys every weekend.

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I do a menage every weekend

Sadly I'm french

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A huge bouquet of red roses arrives at the office on Friday.

The brunette says excitedly to her blonde friend:

"They're from my boyfriend: you know what this means? I'll be spending this entire weekend on my back with my legs in the air!"

The blonde says: "Don't you have a vase?"

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This weekend I dated an Arabian girl. It turned out she didn't like Reddit.

But she Blewit.

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I proposed a threesome to my wife. And she said yes.

So this weekend its going to be my stupid fucking ideas, the sofa and me.

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How did the school bullies kill a kid with a nut allergy?

They would always pecan him.



Father's Day weekend Dad joke.

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When I'm at a loose end of a weekend I've taken to eating laxatives and huffing nitrous oxide...

Shits and giggles

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I'm a bit of a budding author

And by that I mean I manage to write myself off every weekend

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My wife went away for the weekend

So I did what any handsome stud would do. I went to the pub/bar. I proceeded to go from barstool to barstool trying to get lucky. But, you know what? I didn’t find any gum underneath any of them.

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Weekend challenge!

Say the word "I", spell the word "MAP", say "Ness"

All together and out loud🙂

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Im seeing Saving Private Ryan in a theater this weekend. I told my boss, and without skipping a beat, he said...

“Could you imagine if they tried to put ‘Shakespeare in Love’ back into theaters?”

I am slain.

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The Maytag man...

I come home from work and my wife says the dishwasher isn’t working. I’m like honey I am not the Maytag repairman and I work on shit all day can it wait until the weekend? Next day I come home and she says the washing machine doesn’t work. I fix shit all day, can’t it wait until the weekend? Friday rolls around and I come home. And she says I don’t have to worry about


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I went to my girlfriend's soccer match for the first time last weekend. She kept grabbing the ball with her hands.

She's a keeper!

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Man walkes into the white house.

a man walked ino the white house. trump is standing there to gree him. hey wht are you doing here. im on a tore of your home mr trunp. yeah well guess what bruh. its the weekend no tores. uhh pk im faeling sick goota o.

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Over the weekend I signed a 200k a week contract to join Real Madrid next season as their new striker.

Just need them to sign it now.

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My girlfriend brought me this weekend to a scape room.

IKEA.

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I hate guys who wear UFC attire, like Tap Out gear. They think they're telling the world, I'm tough, don't mess with me.

But what they're really telling the world is I only get to see my kid every other weekend. I don't think that's anyone's business.

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Not to brag, but every weekend, I get inundated with girls wanting to go out with me.

Edit: I meant in, undated.

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I'm having an ool party this weekend, notice there's no p in it? Let's keep it that way

Heard this joke from my coach!

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- Friend: Hey, do you want to hang out this weekend? - Me: Generic excuse

- Friend: Did you just say "generic excuse"?

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Did you guys hear the young Addams girl got ghosted this weekend?

But I mean hey. What do you expect when you tell someone to "Call me Wednesday."

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I won $3 Milllion on the lottery


I won $3 million on the lottery this weekend so I decided to donate a quarter of it to charity. Now I have $2,999,999.75 left.

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Missed opportunity!

This past weekend I traveled to NYC for my niece's wedding. It was, as expected, magical. Her younger sister officiated the ceremony.

I totally missed harshing on my younger niece, saying something like, So, now that you have married your sister, are you going to marry your brother next?

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I rented some porn this weekend when my wife visited her sister...

Got everything hooked up to the tv. Got the lube and tissues ready and set up. But the porn was terrible, all I saw was some fat, naked, ugly guy sitting on a couch with his cock out.

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What is rwaterniggas favourite country?

Nicaragua. Obviously...

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Enjoy the weekend everybody!

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Ya know, I tried acupuncture last weekend

I just didn't really get the point

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Starbucks reached new heights this weekend.

They now have a store in Westeros

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Ole and Sven go hunting one weekend

(Told in a very thick Minnesotan accent which I won’t write out)

Ole and Sven go hunting one weekend and right away Ole shoots a big ol’ buck. So, they bring it back to the truck and start cleaning it and Sven says, “you know, Ole, this thing is so huge I bet Lena wouldn’t be able to cook it all in one day. Anything more we shoot this weekend will just go to wa


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Im going to a charity event for female amputees this weekend

That place is gonna be *crawling* with chicks

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Wyoming man arrested

A man in Wyoming was arrested over the weekend for allegedly shoplifting after he returned to the same store to apply for a job. He wasn't able to fit into the police car due to the fact that his balls were too big.

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