At every wedding, my elderly relatives would say "You'll be next". They stopped soon though
After I started saying the same thing to them at funerals
Why are wedding dresses white
So that the dishwasher matches the rest of the appliances.
What is it called when you accidentally get a Japanese dignitary pregnant and have no choice but to marry her?
A shogun wedding
I just found out that the traditional 15th wedding anniversary gift is crystal.
My wife going to be so surprised to have a threesome with my mistress!
A little boy looks at his mum at a wedding and says, “Mummy, why is the girl dressed all in white?”
His mum answers, “The girls is called a bride and she is in white because she’s very happy and this is the happiest day of her life.”
The boy nods and then says, “OK, and why is the boy all in black?”
What did the polygamist horse get on his wedding night?
A double bridle
Sarah got divorced after a month of her wedding
Her neighbor asked : why did you get divorced?
Sarah: can you endure a whole month of insults and beating?
Neighbor: Noo i cannot
Sarah: he couldn't too !!
What do you call an antelope that wants a big wedding?
What do you and your Moms wedding dress have in common?
Both have been in the closet for years.
Why did the two melons delay their wedding?
Cause they Cantelope!
Soon same-sex marriage will be legal in India. Raj, a homosexual in Bangalore, is all excited about having a big fat wedding. All he has to do now is to wait until...
his parents find him a match!
Did you hear about the two bed bugs that are getting married?
They're having a lovely wedding in the spring.
My best man got up to give a toast at my wedding.
Whats the difference between an Irish wake and an Irish wedding?
(Most of my ancestors and family are Irish and we approved this joke ??)
I got to be the DJ at my uncle's wedding
Apparently, having "I Love Little Girls" by Oingo Boingo play ruined the mood for everybody.
What does the date on the wedding ring mean?
- Best before.
(My first post)
What's the difference between wedding and lottery?
With lottery at least you have some chance...
Did you hear about Antonio Brown's wedding?
He got cold feet.
Wife: Its our wedding anniversary in a week, darling. How do you think we should celebrate?
I recently attended a wedding between 2 areials...
The ceremony was great but the recpetion was terrible.
A boy in school is asked the following math question.
Teacher: If there are 5 birds on a wire and a man shoots one, how many are left?
Teacher: No, there are 4.
Boy: No the shot would scare the others away so there would be zero.
Teacher: That isn’t what I was going for, but I like the way you think.
Boy: Now I have a question for you. There are three women on a bench, e
A man was arrested for driving over a crowd in a wedding
The case detective drew out a cigar, then began dragging.
"Why did you do that?"
"You see, detective... the matter's *much* more complicated. A guy was standing on the left side of the road, and the wedding was on my right. Since there was no other way, which would you have gone for?"
"Why, the lone man of-course! A single casual
Did you hear about the couple who are requesting a weed-themed wedding?
Yeah, they wanna marry on marijuana.
A Woman is sitting in the lounge watching TV
Suddenly, she starts shouting "Don't you dare enter that fucking church, don't do it"
Husband walks in and asks the woman what she's watching
Wife replies: "Our wedding video"
"If there are 5 birds sitting on a tree branch...
And a hunter shoots 2, how many will there be left?" Is what teacher Karen asks Johnny.
Johnny: 0, because all birds will fly away when they hear gunshots!
Karen: Well no, actually it's 3 but I do like your reasoning.
Johnny: Okay, so now I've got a question for you. There are 3 women sitting on a bench in the park eating ice cream. One licks h
Went out to dinner to celebrate my wedding anniversary
People started staring at us and criticizing me. They were calling me cradle robber and pedophile since she was 25 and I 35. It totally ruined our 10 year anniversary
What did the millennial get on his wedding day?
A participation trophy wife.
What's the most expensive food in the world?
A teacher is teaching a class and she sees that Johnny isn't paying attention,
so she asks him, "If there are three ducks sitting on a fence, and you shoot one, how many are left?" Johnny says, "None." The teacher asks, "Why?" Johnny says, "Because the shot scared them all off." The teacher says, "No, two, but I like how you're thinking." Johnny asks the teacher, "If you see three women walking out of an ice cream p
Stirring the Sauce
A sweet and innocent young Italian girl gets married, but the girl's mother lives downstairs. The girl has never made love to a man before, and on their wedding night, when he takes off his shirt, she goes running downstairs."Momma, Momma," she cries. "I can't believe it! He has hair all over his chest ! What should I do ?"
The mother is making spa
If a wedding goes off without a hitch, did anyone get married?
It's my cake day!
Wedding night sex
Some of companies elite was enjoying a casual evening with select other employees in a small group. After a couple of drinks they started discussing about sex, first night etc.
The CEO of the company proudly said that many years ago on his wedding night, he had sex with his wife 5 times.
The General Manager next to him said he did it 4 times on his wedding night.
NSFW A young bride-to-be confides in her mother on her wedding night that she isnt a virgin and is worried her husband will not love her once he finds out.
“Oh honey, just do what I did with your father. Put a rubber band around your thigh and when he enters you the first time just snap the rubber band. He won’t know any different.”
Come the wedding night and heeding her moms advice the bride snaps the band as the deed is done. Her husband yelps, “aaaah what was that?!”
The woman smiles and sa
Whats the difference between an irish wedding and an irish funeral?
There‘s one less drunk.
I went to a wedding and they played "The Twist" so I did the Twist, then they played "Macerena" so I did the Macerena then they played "Come On Eileen"
So I was told to leave.
At the start of the wedding party the organizer announced that they had ordered a whole pig, but something went wrong with the delivery and the pig would be latenot coming.
One guest said: "I hope this will be the last time in this relationship that someone says "what is taking that pig so long?""
My wife says that I wasted money by ordering a 3-meter wide frame for our wedding photo.
Well, I think she should look at the bigger picture.
Yo mama's so fat...
her wedding music was the jurassic park theme
Yo mama's so fat, her wedding music was the Jurassic park theme.
Yo Mama's so fat, her wedding music was the Jurassic park theme
What does a polish bride get on her wedding night that is long and hard?
a new last name
The Wedding Day
A man with a southern drawl and a French woman are at the altar when he starts having second thoughts. "Do you take this woman to be your wife" asks the minister. "Adieu" the man replies.
A recent wedding I attended was very emotional...
Even the cake was in tiers.
Today my friend told me a sweet story
My friend: my mum was only 17 when she had Lola
Me: that’s young
My friend: yeah, but Lola’s dad left pretty early. When my mum and dad met, Lola was 2
My friend: on the day of their wedding, Lola said to my dad “can I call you daddy now?”
Me: that’s so sweet, I bet it’s what your mum said
Jennifer's wedding day was fast approaching.
Nothing could dampen her excitement - not even her parent's nasty divorce.
Her mother had found the PERFECT dress to wear, and would be the best-dressed mother-of-the-bride ever!
A week later, Jennifer was horrified to learn that her father's new, young wife had bought the exact same dress as her mother! Jennifer asked her father's new young wife to excha
Why does the groom wear a black tuxedo on his wedding day?
He’s at a funeral for his sex life.
There was a shooting at otter's wedding.
They got each otter.
So the woman got herself in trouble because...
She told her fiancé that she was a virgin due to his extreme opposition to premarital sex, but that was a lie.
So she went on to ask her mother for counseling and the two formed a plan. On the night of the wedding, when the groom took the bride to the room, her mother would be hiding behind the door. Then, when he penetrated her, the mother would pop a champagne bottle to simul
Why wasn't the groom married?
The wedding went off without a hitch
On their wedding night, a young bride asked her new husband to pay her $20 for their first lovemaking encounter.
In his highly aroused state,
Her husband readily agreed.
This scenario was repeated each time they made
Love, for more than 40 years, with him thinking that it was a cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that she needed.
Arriving home around noon one day, she was
Surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state. During the next few min