>> MP&HR Officer <<
HR : what is your name?
Mike : MP sir
HR : In full please...
Mike : Michael Phang
HR : your father's name?
Mike : MP sir
HR : what does that mean?
Mike : Me
My wife said I'm always wasting money...
She said: "Stop buying things you'll never use!"
So I cancelled my life insurance!
After extensive investigations and many phone calls, the police found that, despite the fact that Im black, Ive got a good job, no criminal record and I own the BMW I was driving.
So they arrested me for wasting police time.
A man approached me and told me he was a chef
He asked if I had spices among other ingredients to make a nice dish so I obliged. He began mixing some of the said spices and I allowed it, thinking it was to make mixed spice, then he got one of them and poured it on the floor.
It was then I realized he was wasting my thyme.
A guy ran 40 miles
The way the Earth rotates around the sun..
Really makes me realise I'm wasting my life on the internet and not living the life in the way I'm supposed to.
Wasting BBQ ribs
Is a Carne sin
A guy and his girlfriend are at Lover's Leap...
...making out. All of a sudden there is a banging on the car window. He quickly rolls the window down and sees a cop standing there shining his flashlight in the car..
The cop asks, "What are you doing?"
Scared, the guy replies, "Nothing, sir!"
Im going for the Guinness world record for wasting other peoples time.
Thanks for helping.
I saw a man sitting alone in the park one day...
and I noticed how in his hand he held a one hundred dollar bill.
Interesting, I thought. I wouldn’t wave that much money around in the open. But that’s when I saw him reaching into a bag and pulling out a pair of scissors. As he moved the scissors towards the bill I got worried and yelled out
“Hey, man! What are you doing? You shouldn’t be wasting
A father notices his son has been wasting away on the couch for the last few years. He asks him "do you even have a personality, a hobby, talent... anything? Please just describe yourself in 3 words for me?"
"If we win the jackpot I'll get a boob job", the wife said
-"If we win the jackpot I'll get new tires for the car", the husband answered
-"What's the point of wasting so much effort on the old car when you can get a new one?"
I called the police because I found a dead body, but they just scolded me for wasting their time.
Just when I thought my grandma's funeral couldn't get any worse.
Black list joke
A little boy walks into his parents room to see his mom on top of his dad bouncing up and down. The mom sees her son and quickly dismounts, worried about what her son has seen. She dresses quickly and goes to find him. The son sees his mom and asks, "What were you and Dad doing?" The mother replies, "Well you know your dad has a big tummy and sometimes I have to get on top o
Cops should be protecting society, not wasting their time
Writing a dumb ticket for me because “Running over 110 in school zones” , geez
I go to the doctor and he asks for a stool sample.
I pull out a small chair from my bag. The doctor yells at me for wasting his time and kicks me out of his office. I go home still not knowing why I'm shitting furniture. My nightmare continues.
A lion waa doing the cocaine
Once upon a time, a bear was smoking the weed. The rat see this.
Rat : why are you wasting your life in this, come with me. Jungle is so pretty.
So the bear and the rat start touring the jungle. They see a wolf doing the meth.
Rat : why are you wasting your life in this, come with me and bear, see how pretty the jungle in the night is..
So all of
911 joke, you've been warned
Me:9/11... more like tower fall down! *Hysterical laughter*
Friend:I should slap you for how dumb that joke was, how offensive it is and wasting my time.
Me:*sigh* There's a reason I don't tell 9/11 jokes... they always seem to crash a burn!
Friend:Turns away holding in laughter
A doctor visit
I go to the doctor. He asks for a stool sample. I pull out a small chair from my bag. The doctor yells at me for wasting his time. I go home. Still don’t know why I’m shitting furniture. My nightmare continues.
I go to the doctor
He asks for a stool sample. I pull out a small chair from my bag. The doctor yells at me for wasting his time. I go home. Still don't know why I'm shitting furniture. My nightmare continues.
So, my New Years resolution was to stop wasting all of my money...
Man, it’s hard. I’m spent.
A man was in love with his female boss and wanted to meet her in secret due to inter-office relationships being against company policy. She was unsure, but agreed to meet at a bridge in town. The woman waited for him under the bridge, but the man was standing on top and couldn't see her. After waiting for half an hour he was convinced she was just wasting his time. He emotionally explained hi
If you ever feel like you're wasting your time
You actually are wasting your time by reading this post
I overheard my co-worker say, "The USA is the only major country that does not guarantee healthcare as a right."
So I walked up to him and said "We already have the right to healthcare, it's called the right the bear arms."
My co-worker asks "How is owning a gun healthcare?"
I respond, "Well my grandma broke her ankle so instead of wasting money by taking her to the hospital I just shot her."
A man walks into a meat shop and asks the butcher for a pound of what's what.
The butcher, puzzled by this request, informs the man that they don't sell *what's what*.
So the man leaves, only to come back the next day and ask for the same. The butcher, in a light hearted mood thinks the man is pulling his leg, so he chuckles lightly and informs the man that they do not sell *what's what* and sends the man on his way once again.
I hate double standards
When celebrities wear near see-through dresses, they are "chic" and " fashionable", but when I do it I'm "wasting cling wrap" and "ruining Christmas"
Bikers at the bridge
A tough looking group of bikers were riding when they saw a girl about to jump off a bridge so they stop.
The leader, a big burly man, gets off his bike and says, "What are you doing?"
"I'm going to commit a suicide," she says.
While he did not want to appear insensitive, he also didn't want to miss an opportunity
I'm fat because I hate wasting food.
Personally, I blame Africa.
My parents keep telling me I am wasting my life playing video games.
Luckily I have two lives left.
If you ever feel like you're wasting your life away...
Remember LeBron is workin for fucking Luke Walton now. Let that sink in.
The Pillsbury Doughboy died today...
Please join me in remembering a great icon of the entertainment community. The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and trauma complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71. Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hos
A little boy walks into his parents room
A little boy walks into his parents' room to see his mom on top of his dad bouncing up and down.
The mom sees her son and quickly dismounts, worried about what her son has seen.
She dresses quickly and goes to find him.
The son sees his mom and asks, "What were you and Dad doing?"
The mother replies, "Well you know your dad has a big tummy and sometimes
I dont see why people are mad at me for wasting paper
It literally grows on trees
My wife said wasting what little money we have on a lock picking set was not a good investment.
But it’s actually opened a lot of doors for me.
A lady goes to the pharmacy to buy poison.
Lady: I want to buy your most lethal poison so I can kill my husband.
Pharmacist: C'mon lady. You know damn well I can't do that. That's illegal.
The lady start crying and says: "But he needs to pay! This bastard cheated on me. Look I caught him in the act!"
She pulls out a picture of her husband having sex with another woman.
Patient: Dr. I think I’m a moth
Doctor: Stop wasting my time. What you need is a psychiatrist. What made you come here?
Patient: I saw your light was on
If you're an astronaut..
And don't end every relationship with "I need space" then you're just wasting your time.
I feel like i'm wasting my life...
But you can't waste what has no value
A sex showdown
This event happens every 4 years.
Rules: the most you can penetrate before busting a nut
3 finalist, 100 of mixed gender line up, a hyped up crowd, and 2 commentator.
Commentator1: “ok ladies and gentlemen, here we go.”
Commentator2: “Aaaand he is done by the 20th”
2nd guy steps up to the line up and starts penetrating
A beggar walks into a restaurant.
He buys a meal with the little amount of money he’s earned, after 3 days of hinger. He lifts his tray and gleefully walks towards a table. But he doesn’t realise that there is a receipt on the floor and he steps on it, falling down and spilling his precious food on the floor.
What a pity, wasting food over a slip of paper
Why are you wasting money on drinking ?
Wife:Why are you wasting money on drinking ?
Husband : Why are you wasting money on Beauty Parlors ?
Wife: It is for you only, so that I can look beautiful to you.
Husband : I am also drinking just for you , so that you look beautiful to me.
I am really sorry...................
.......For wasting those 5 seconds of your life on this shitpost.
Biker VS Suicidal Girl
A tough looking group of bikers are riding when they see a girl about to jump off a bridge, so they stop. The leader, a big burly man, gets off his bike and says, "What are you doing?" "I'm going to commit suicide," she says. While he doesn’t want to appear insensitive, he also doesn’t want to miss an opportunity, so he asks, "Well, before you jump, why do
LPT: Unplug your electronics to conserve energy, except for the fridge and the life support machine:
In those instances, you'd just be wasting vegetables.
Girl : I cry when see people wasting water.
Me : And you waste water by crying.
A little boy caught his mom riding his dad.
The little boy said, “Mom what are you doing?”
She said, “Son, your daddy’s stomach is too big so I sit on top to flatten it out.”
He said, “ Aw momma you’re wasting your time because when you’re not here the lady next door gets on her knees and blows it back up!”
I'm struggling to quit my masturbation addiction
On one hand, there is my wife that I care about who is worried about me wasting time and being unmotivated
On the other hand, there is my weiner.
We can't allow the CEO of Tesla to keep wasting money by throwing cars into space.
"Hello, is this the circus?"
"Yes it is, how can I help you"
"I saw your ad online for a circus trainer. Are you still hiring?
"Yes we are. We are looking for a world-class trainer. We are ready to offer the best salary and benefits of all trainers. However, you have to keep in mind that the interview and selection process is extremely tough and competitive, and if you don't
I always think the same thing when I find a Zubat and when I meet a stuck-up woman...
I'm not wasting my balls on that!