Visitor

Jokes

What did the visitor say when he was told to see the therizinosaurus exhibit?

What did the visitor say when he was told to see the therizinosaurus exhibit?

Why would I go to that, there-isn’t-a-saurus!

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At a funeral

Visitor: Whats the wifi password
Priest: Respect the dead
Visitor: All upper case?

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What do you call a blonde at an institution of higher learning?

A visitor

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Should You Be Institutionalized?

During a visit to a mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what the criteria is that defines if a patient should be institutionalized.

"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub. Then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup, and a bucket to the patient and ask the patient to empty the bathtub."

Okay, here's your test: 
1. Would you use


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Just thought of a physics joke in class

One day, Newton adopts a dog to play catch with his apple, naming it Theta. Busy with writing the *Principia*, Newton doesn't notice that Theta has been pooping all over the lawn. When he finally steps outside and sees the mess, he energetically graps his shovel and gets to work.

A visitor asked the neighbor, "Why is the lawn all messed up?", and the neighbor replied, &


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Show Off - A young businessman has just set up his own company.

A young businessman has just set up his own company. He rents an office downtown and buys some trendy furniture for it. Sitting behind his new desk, he suddenly sees a potential client come into the outer office. Wanting to appear busy, he picks up the phone and pretends that he’s calling an important client. “Offer them no more than $3 million!” he shouts

down the p


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"Dad, is it gay if a man shaves his ass?"

"My boy, a man that cleaned his house surely expects a visitor"

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Dad, if someone shaves their arse, is that gay?

My boy, a man that cleanses his house surely expects a visitor

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Zoo joke

Visitor: "I like that cage at the end that says 'World's most dangerous animal' and it's just got a mirror in it"
Zookeeper: "Yup, thought-provoking stuff. \*Whispering into phone\* The leopard's escaped again"

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One of my business client came n told me: I'm not getting quality traffic from my website visitor. They are just buying product and leaving my website.

My question was: What is your quality stands for?

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Height of internet addiction!!

*Height of internet addiction*
*At a funeral in church*
*A visitor: What’s the WiFi password here?*
*Priest: respect the dead*
*Visitor: all small letters? ???*

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A visitor to a small town goes into the local pub...

He sees an old man practically crying into his beer at the end of the bar. He goes to ask what's wrong. The old man tells him,
"Mister, I grew up in this town. As a young man I went off to war to help protect this village from those who would destroy it. Now, do they call me Jacob the Soldier? No, they don't."

"When I came home, I helped build, with


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In life, you never have to worry about parking...

you always have the visitor spot.

This is my joke. Don't hurt me. We're all mortal here.

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What's the difference between Purgatory and Hell?

In Purgatory, the only visitor you're allowed is Lena Dunham.

In Hell, it's a conjugal visit.

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What did a host termite told to a visitor termite?

Have a seat.

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The doctor was showing the visitor around the insane asylum

,and showing him a test to decide whether people should be admitted as patients. "We fill a bathtub with water and we hand the person a teaspoon, a cup, and a pail." "Oh," says the visitor, "So the normal person will use the pail to empty the tub." The doctor replied, "No, actually, a normal person would pull the plug. So, would you like a private room?"


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A man visits Harvard

Visitor in Harvard Square: "Excuse me, where's the library at?"

Harvard student: "Sir, this is Harvard. We don't end our sentences with prepositions."

Visitor: "Oh, I'm sorry. I meant to ask, where's the library at, asshole?"

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Height of internet addiction

At a funeral in church


A visitor: What's the Wi-Fi password here ?

Priest: Respect the dead.

Visitor: all small letters?

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A zookeeper spotted a visitor throwing $10 bills into the elephant exhibit

“Why are you doing that?” asked the keeper.
“The sign says it’s okay,” replied the visitor.
“No, it doesn’t.”
“Yes, it does. It says, ‘Do not feed. $10 fine.’”

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I had a visitor one night he explored my body licked, sucked, swallowed amp had his fill when satisfied he left I was hurt

Damn mosquito!!!


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Why do they call a womans monthly visitor a period?

From my experience it’s more like an exclamation point.

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The Man from Washington, DC

Many years ago, a man from Washington, DC, visits a town in the Appalachian mountains. As he entered the general store, the fellow behind the counter noted the visitor wasn't from those parts and asked where he was from, to which the visitor said, "I'm from Washington, DC."

The clerk asked, "Washington, DC? How's ol' Ike doin'?"


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The bathtub test...

During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what the criterion was which defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.



“Well,” said the Director, “we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub.”



“O


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Mentally challenged

While touring a mental asylum, a visitor asked the director how they determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized. "Well," said the director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup, and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," the visitor said. " A normal person would u


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What do you call a cute girl in an Amish church?

A visitor.

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A man arrives at the top of a mountain and the Guru who lives there greets him.

"I can answer any question you have."

The man replies, "Where are my sun glasses? It's really bright up here."

The Guru replies, "On the top of your head."

The man finds his sunglasses and says, "Thank you for sharing your perspective. I just couldn't see."

As the man turns to leave, the Guru st


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The joke about the museum guide

Visitor: "How old is that Tyrannosaurus skeleton?"

Guide: "70,000,006 years."

Visitor: "Wow. How can you be so precise?"

Guide: "They told me it was 70,000,000 years old when I started working here."


💀🎷💀🎷

[Source](https://www.reddit.com/r/mildlyinteresting/comments/3j3i7l/thi


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Who got only one visitor his entire life, got banished from the family and still lurks around with hope?

Pluto.

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This guy is walking through Chinatown and sees a building with a sign that says "Lars Olafsen's Laundry."

"Lars Olafsen?", he thinks. "How in the world does that fit in here?"

So, he walks into the shop and sees an old Chinese gentleman sitting in the corner. The visitor asks, "How in the world did this place get a name like Lars Olafsen's Laundry?"

The old man answers "Is name of owner."

The visitor asks, "Well,


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A British man visits Australia

A British man visits Australia. The customs officer asks "Do you have a previous criminal history?"

The visitor replies "I didn't realize that was still a requirement"

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I was the 100 billionth visitor on a website and won a free lamborghini

Apparently my credit card company thought I payed for it

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The Bathtub Test

During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what the criterion was which defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.

"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub; we then offer a teaspoon, a teacup, and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," said the vi


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During a visit to the mental hospital....

..a visitor asks the Director what criterion defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.

"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket b


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A Cow Grazing Artist : "That, sir, is a cow grazing" Visitor : "Where is the grass ?"

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My dad's favourite joke

A man was visiting his friend at his home when all the sudden, the visitor realised something odd.

"Why are you in your underwear?" asked the visitor

"For comfort, I'm at home after all" replied the man

"But why wear a tie?"

"Well, you never know when a visitor comes over"


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A visitor to Harvard asks a professor...

A visitor to Harvard asks a professor, "Excuse me, but would you be good enough to tell me where the Harvard Library is at?"

"Sir," came the sneering reply, "at Harvard we do not end a sentence with a preposition."

"Well, in that case, forgive me," said the visitor. "Permit me to rephrase my question. Would you be good enough t


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Over smart.

A young businessman had just started his own firm. He had just rented a beautiful office and had it furnished with antiques.

He saw a man come into the outer office. Wishing to appear the hot shot, the businessman picked up the phone and started to pretend he had a big deal working. He threw huge figures around and made giant commitments.

Finally he hung up and asked the


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Meanwhile in rural Ireland...

Paddy pays a visit to his old friend Tommy one afternoon. Tommy takes a seat in the kitchen whilst Paddy makes him a cup of coffee. Tommy, being the inquisitive type, says "I can't help but notice there Paddy that ye have a lot of empty milk bottles in your fridge so ye do, why exactly would that be?"
To which Paddy replies " Oh thats just in case a visitor wants a black


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It was visitor's day at the insane asylum...

It was visitor's day at the insane asylum and all the inmates were standing in the courtyard and singing "Ave Maria."


They were singing it beautifully.


But oddly, each of them was holding a red apple in one hand and tapping it rhythmically with a pencil.


A visitor listened in wonder to the performance and then approached


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My neighbors moved away and left their dog in my care. My house is her house, but she still acts like a visitor.

She only drinks from the toilet in the guest bathroom!

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A Visit to the Hospital (can be told long or short)

A religious man walks into a hospital hoping to do a good deed by visiting the sick. The man has passed the nurse at the front desk and is looking around to find a sick person to cheer up. He looks all over the hospital but he just cant seem to find any sick person that isn't being visited! Finally the man comes to the end of a large hallway and sees a Chinese man laying in bed, hooked up to


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What do you call a blonde on a college campus?

A visitor

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A guy walks into a lounge on the top floor of a hotel ...

... sits next to a local, and orders a drink. The local says "Never seen you around here before - you staying at the hotel?"

"Yes, just here for a couple of days on business."

"Ah, so you don't know about this hotel on windy days like this do you?" the local said.

"Gee, no. What do you mean?"

"Wel


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