Violently

Jokes

I just got back from vacation. It looks like somebody violently broke into my room looking for something and left papers and thrash everywhere.

Perfect. Everything is just the way I left it.

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I heard that a nearby neighbor's house was violently struck by a car that was going Berserk.

This hits home a little too hard.

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An angry man was shaking a traffic light violently because it didn't change for the last five minutes. Then, one of the screws of the lights became undone and the fixture fell down and bumped into his head ...

he had a light concussion.

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A bull was sent to prison for violently running into a man and killing him

Guilty as charged

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Velma asking scooby to shake his ass

Scooby: No

VELMA: W o U l D y O u D o I t F o R A s C o O b Y S n A c c

Scooby: *proceeds to violently shake ass*

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Going to the dentist is like those movies where a character gets interrogated violently.

It’s pretty clear to them when you’re lying — and if you don’t come clean, you might lose a tooth.

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What do you call a violently horny man from Iceland?

Icelamdic

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A man and a woman are sitting beside each other in the first class section of the plane. The woman sneezes, takes a tissue, gently wipes her nose, and shudders quite violently in her seat.



The man isn’t sure why she is shuddering and goes back to reading.

A few minutes pass. The woman sneezes again. She takes a tissue, gently wipes her nose and shudders quite violently in her seat.

The man is becoming more and more curious about the shuddering.

A few more minutes pass. The woman sneezes yet again. She takes a tissue, gently


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Some things never changegrowing up I wanted to be a policeman.

And now, I want to violently assert my power over others.

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Do you ever just want to gently place your hands on someone's cheeks...

And hold their head in your hands, look into their deep eyes...

And then violently jerk their head on a right angle and snap their neck off?

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Some of my friends make The Offspring puns, some of them violently hate them

I guess I gotta keep em seperated

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Jesus is on the cross and he calls out PETER!

Peter hearing Jesus’s voice above the multitude of people, rushes to be at Jesus’s side at his moment of need. Peter has to get through the Roman guards first. He rushes the guardsmen but nabbed and violently beaten and thrown back into the crowd.

Jesus calls out again ‘PETER’! Again Peter musters all his strength and rushes the guards but is caught and eve


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Two men get lost in the Sahara dessert.

After days of walking around with no food they spot a dead camel with rotting flesh and maggots all over it.
The first man runs up and just dives in and eats away. The second man just stands and watch. The first man asks, "Are you not gonna eat?" The second man replies "Mate that is just disgusting!!"
About 2 hours later the first man start throwing up violently. Th


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A man walks into an elevator...

There is a lone woman in there. After he presses his floor and the elevator door closes, he sniffles, leans in to the woman and asks; "Ma'am, can I smell your pussy?"

She violently turns to him and exclaims, "You sir, most certainly can NOT!!!

He replies, "Ah, it must be your armpits then..."


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Celiacs

I had a friend who claimed to have celiacs, but I had heard the statistics where most people claim to have it just so they have an excuse to have gluten free food, so gave him some non-gluten free bread to test this and he was fine.
He was violently I'll the next day and died of complications later, but at least I knew he was a liar before he died, so I didn't feel bad.


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Celiacs

I had a friend who claimed to have celiacs, but I had heard the statistics where most people claim to have it just so they have an excuse to have gluten free food, so gave him some non-gluten free bread to test this and he was fine.
He was violently I'll the next day and died of complications later, but at least I knew he was a liar before he died, so I didn't feel bad.


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"Doctor, I've got this really weird condition that whenever somebody questions me that I violently shit my pants."

"REALLY?" asked the doctor, laughing.

I said, "Nice try, pal, but I'm not wearing any pants.."

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Long Three friends are exploring in the jungle when they come across a tribe of cannibals..

They end up speaking to the leader of the tribe who tells them that they will be free to go and won't be eaten if they can go into the jungle and find 10 of the same type of fruit and bring it back to him.


So all three of them set off.


After a short while the first guy comes back with plums.


The tribe leader says "Ok, now shove


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A farmer has a pig who he says can do maths.



One day a passer by who does not believe him asks for a demonstration.

“OK” says the farmer, “Tell me pig how much is four plus five?”

“Neufff, neufff, neufff” replies the pig

“So he’s done it once, make him do it again.” says the man.

“OK” says the farmer, “He


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After putting it in my mouth, moving it all over it and tasting it I just spitted it out violently, I never liked to swallow it.

Man, this toothpaste is so refreshing.

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70th Emmy Awards gone wild

"Handmade's tale is nominated for the best drama, it takes place in an imaginary future where entire group of people are violently work and make babies against their will, it's what black people call ... HISTORY"

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An man was in the hospital for a series of tests...

... the last of which had left his bodily systems extremely upset.

Upon making several false alarm trips to the bathroom, he decided the latest episode was another and stayed put. He suddenly filled his bed with diarrhea and paced frantically trying to think of a plan. Knowing his cute young nurse was about to come in the door at any moment, he hastily gathered up the bed sheets, and


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A lady sneezes on a plane



The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wiped her nose, then visibly shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds.
The man went back to his reading.
A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a tissue, wiped her nose, then shuddered violently once more.
Assuming that the woman might have a cold, the man was still curious about the shuddering.
A f


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A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first class section of an airplane.

The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, wiped her nose, then visibly shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds.

The man went back to his reading. A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a tissue, wiped her nose, and then shuddered violently once more.

Assuming that the woman might have a cold, the man was still curious about the shuddering. A few more minutes passed


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If United Airlines keeps violently kicking people off their planes..

I can only imagine what Virgin Airlines does...

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I got a letter in the mail asking me to donate blood.

So I drug a corpse into the middle of the room and beat it violently with a wrench.

It's funny, get it?

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A group of rebellious, man eating salads violently take over and begin eating all humans

A final group of survivors are hiding in a church and a little boy says to the priest

"Father, there are too many of them, what are we going to do? What will become of us?"

The priest says to the boy:

"Lettuce prey"

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The sneezer

A man and a woman are sitting beside each other in the first class section of the plane.

The woman sneezes, takes a tissue, gently wipes her nose, and shudders quite violently in her seat.

The man isn’t sure why she is shuddering and goes back to reading.

A few minutes pass. The woman sneezes again. She takes a tissue, gently wipes her nose and shudders


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A man steps onto an escalator only to be thrown violently atop the upper floor after the steps began spontaneously accelerating

He brushes himself off and remarks "Well that escalated quickly"

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A man steps onto an escalator when he's thrown violently on the upper floor after the stairs sponeoustly accelerate to break-neck speeds

[deleted]

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Little Johny walks in on his mother in the shower

What are they for he says while pointing at her breast.

Trying to have a little fun at Johny expense his mum explains that when she dies the inflate and take her to heaven.

Satisfied with the answer Johny bolts off.

Half hour later Johny come tearing into the house crying. Daddy is dying daddy is dying.

Trying to call him down his mother asks


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The theory of the multiverse states that there are infinite parallel universes containing every possible situation. It makes me happy, because I know, somewhere...

...I'm being violently sodomised with rusty golf clubs by angry crab people.

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If rjokes had a theme song...

Nothing short of a howler monkey being violently sodomised with a megaphone strapped to it's face would do.

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Help stop domestic violence...

Each year, 1 in 5 people are violently domesticated

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An elderly couple were sitting on their front porch...

When, suddenly, a young man comes flying down the old dirt road on his new motorcycle, as loud as can be. He was yelling with excitement and having the time of his life.

The old man jumps up out of his rocker and runs into the house. He emerges a few seconds later with his rifle and points it at the passing man.

Pow! The bike swerves violently and the man is thrown off th


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A man is sitting next to a woman...

A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first class section of a plane.

The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wiped her nose, and then visibly shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds.

The man went back to his reading. A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a tissue, wiped her nose, then shuddered violently once more.

Assuming t


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Two missionaries are on a mission to Africa

in the pre-colonial era to spread the good word to the natives, when they run into a hostile tribe. The tribe, not happy to see foreigners in their land, capture the missionaries, beat them up and hogtie them. So the missionaries are presented to the tribe's chief and he explains:

You have trespassed into our lands and for that you must be punished. As your punishment you must c


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A midget wearing a turban is walking down the street

He starts coughing violently and so someone asks if he is ok. He gets back and then says "I'm fine, I'm just a little Sikh."

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3 guys in a prison a camp.

Two of them get a shank and hold it to his neck and violently rape him in the ass and tell him if he tells that they'll kill him in his sleep.

Jajajajajajajajajajaj ( implies I'm Spanish)

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A rabbit walks into a bar...

..and says to the barman, 'I'd like a melted cheese sandwich'. The barman obliges and watches as the rabbit demolishes it in two bites. 'Can I get the same but with mushrooms?', asks the rabbit. Again the barman supplies the sandwich and watches as the rabbit eats. This goes on for a while, with the rabbit ordering all types of delicious hot sandwiches. Then, suddenly


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The little boy who found his parents having sex.

One night a little boy wakes to hear all sorts of horrible groaning noises. Afraid, he runs to his parents room and flings open the door only to whitness his father violently thrusting himself into his mother. Even more distraught the little boy runs back to his room crying his eyes out, fearing his mother was being violently murdered. His father rushes in to tend to the boy.

"So


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I saw a webcam hooker fuck her throat with a dildo so violently that it gave her the hiccups,

but a dick was involved. So that makes it the dick-ups.

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So Hydrogen finally admitted to Sodium that she had been bonding with Oxygen

Sodium reacted violently.

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Sent to Jail.

After getting sent to jail, I spent the next hour being held face down over a table and getting violently fucked up the arse.

Sometimes I think my uncle Brian takes Monopoly a bit too seriously...

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Petting Zoo

A woman at a petting zoo bent down to pet a pony. She began to cough violently. A man came over to her an asked her to leave. She said,"What? It's no big deal! I'm just feeling a little hoarse!"

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A man and a woman were...

A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first-class section of an airplane. The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wiped her nose, then visibly shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds.

The man went back to reading a magazine but, a few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a tissue, wiped her nose, then shuddered violently once more.

Assuming t


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Three men are camping in a forest...

Three men are out for a camping trip in their local forest, when a fairy appears and grants everyone of them three wishes. The first man says: "I'd like a large house in California, with a pool and everything." The second one says: "Oh yeah, a large Villa would be pretty neat." The third guy says: "I'd like my right arm to shake uncontrollably, all the time."


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A Brit, a Scott, and an Irishman...

So a Britt, a Scott, and an Irishman walk into a bar. They all sit down and order their ales of choice. While they are talking, a fly dives into each of their ales. Disgusted, the Brit says, "Bartender a new ale please" and continues drinking his new ale. The Scott looks at the fly in his ale and couldn't be bothered and says, "Ah to hell with it" and drinks the whole thin


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Two men in a car have to go to the bathroom really bad...

and they can't wait any longer, so they pull off onto the side of a dirt road. To keep their manners, they agree to pee on opposite sides of the road.

The passenger gets out and starts peeing on some buttercups. After a moment, a voice in his head booms out, "This is God, and I made those buttercups for everyone to enjoy! How dare you urinate on them?!?!? From now on,


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A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first class section of an airplane..

... The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wiped her nose, then visibly shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds. The man went back to his reading. A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a tissue, wiped her nose, then shuddered violently once more.

Unable to restrain his curiosity, the man turned to the woman and said, "I couldn't help but notice that you'


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