Useless

Jokes

What is the most useless superpower?

America.

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I need your best Scottish joke, asap! Scottish stepdad's birthday today.

I need a good Scottish joke or two to make fun of his primitive Tartan wearin' bagpipe blowin' and Braveheart barbarian culture.

Preferably, the joke will make fun of Scots as a bunch of useless drunkards subjugated by the English.

This is becoming a bit of a birthday tradition so give me your best!


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I have a common name but I always know when someone is talking to me.

My secret?

No one ever talks to me unless they need something and I'm useless.

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Professor x: what is your superpower

Me: Hindsight
Professor x: that's a useless superpower
Me: I see that now

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Ever feel like your life is useless?

Just remember someone has to install blinkers into BMW's

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Sir we are mining too many useless ores...

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Hey girl, are you a book?

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My doctor is useless.

I went to him to see about my haemorrhoids and he said he was prescribing me "suppositories".

They tasted disgusting and for all the good they did I could have shoved them up my ass.

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Cant let people use you...

If you’re useless!

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Hey, do you want to see something interesting? It's pretty stupid, but also funny because it's just so useless and dumb.

Open the camera app on your phone and switch to the front facing camera.

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EBay is so useless..

I tried to find a lighter and they had only 45324 matches...

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My mom said she wouldnt even put me in an animation movie

Because i’d be rendered useless

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After reading the thesaurus I have a strong vocabulary of useless synonyms.

They’re unnecessary, worthless and redundant.

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What do woman and slinkies have in common?

Both are useless but it’s fun to watch them falling down stairs.

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What the most useless thing ever?

a dislike button on a youtube coment

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My dick is like Switzerlands military

Impressive but useless because it never gets used.

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EBay is so useless

I searched for cigerette lighter.All I got was 12,274 matches

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If you ever feel like your life is useless, just remember

that it's someone's job to install blinkers into BMW's

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An electrician and a carpenter are in the same train.

If the train has an electrical problem, they can use the electrician. The carpenter is useless.

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Whats the useless piece of skin around a vagina called?

A woman

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I tried to set up my hipster friend with this awesome guy. Hes rebellious, has dope beard and long wavy hair, hangs around with quirky outcasts, hikes, doesnt want to own useless crap and knows all the coolest party tricks.

Yeah. Turning hipster girls into Christianity is surprisingly easy.

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TIL that tortoises can drink water through their anus

Unfortunately, you're a completely useless asshole

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What's the name of the useless skin around a vagina?

A woman

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What is the name of the useless piece of skin coming out from a penis?

Man.

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If you ever feel useless...

...just remember that somewhere in Germany, there’s a guy whose job is to install turn signals in BMWs.

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Them: what did you major in? Me: calligraphy


Them: why did you get such a useless degree?
Me: it was cheaper than an mba from from Harvard.
Them: so ? It’s a worthless degree, you would have made more money if you showed up to a job interview with a degree from Harvard.
Me: look, I can show up to a job interview with a degree from any school I want now...


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Not a joke so much as I need help finding a joke

Ok so there is this person, so devoid of humor I can hardly say they are a person. They love that whole "dust my wets" meme and dumb thing about being high. But things with an actual punchline goes over her head, even dad jokes are useless. How do I make this abomination I live with laugh? Roommate btw


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EBay is so useless.

I tried to buy a lighter, but all they had was 13,749 matches.

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I was in my herb garden yesterday and one of my plants told me I was useless.

I think it was discouragemint.

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This thesaurus I purchased is useless

Not only is it terrible but it's terrible

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I had my appendix taken out when I was a kid. They said it was useless,

but based on my life since then, I'm guessing it controls motivation.

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French public toilets were useless in the war

Always occupied

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My mom: son, why did I find "how to delete your history" in your history?

Me: because it was useless.

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At a Mathematical Functions party...

... 2^x and 3^x notice that their friend e^x is standing alone in a corner looking kinda sad. They decide to approach him and try to convince him to have a little fun with the other Functions, but he refuses. So 2^x asks him:
"Come on man try to have some fun, integrate!"
To which he replies:
"Nah it useless... in any case it doesen't change anything..."


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Polish public toilets were useless during the war

They were always occupied

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Being sexist is like being a woman

It's stupid and useless

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At Hitler's mining camp.

“Sir, we are mining too many useless ores”
*Hitler rubs chin* So mine less
[Grammar Nazi busts in] “MINE FEWER”
[Hitler looks up] Yes?

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Nazi Mining Officer visits Hitler

Nazi Officer: Mein Fuhrer, we are mining too many useless ores
Hitler: So, mine less
Grammar Nazis from the side: *Mine Fewer
Hitler looks to the side, Yes ?

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If you ever feel useless in your life..

Remember there is a guy at BMW factory, installing blinker lights.

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A masked robber stole all the mechanical pencils.

Police are looking for serious witnesses.

So far, their leads are all useless.

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What do you call the useless piece of skin around a vagina?

A woman

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Communism joker are not funny

Useless everyone gets them.

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What do you call the useless bit of skin around a womans vagina?

The woman.

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What is that useless skin connected to the vagina called again?

Oh right, the woman

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What do you call a broken smartphone?

Useless

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What do you call the useless piece of skin on the penis?

The man.

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What do you call a useless piece of skin on a dick?

The man

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Depressionsuicide jokes are basically yo mama jokes of our generation they're lazy, unfunny and useless

Just like me

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What was one of the greatest inventions of all time, yet was completely useless when it was first made?

The telephone, who r u gonna call?

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My dad gets mad that me and my brother don't do anything but lay around all day.

He said "If I'd have known you boys would be this useless I would have named you thoughts and prayers"

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