Tummy

Jokes

I heard a report about a bad outbreak of the tummy bug,

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

"Does this make me look fat?" she asked.

"No" I replied, "Puffing your tummy out and walking like a penguin only makes you look foolish."

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

Two cannibals were walling down the street.

They were going to meet with all the other cannibals in their village, but as they're walking together, one turns to the other and says: "I don't feel so good."

The other one goes: "What's wrong?"

The first one whimpers: "My tummy, it hurts."

The second one says: "It must have been something you've eaten


read more
UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

I heard a report about a bad outbreak of the tummy bug, apparently 9 out of 10 people there suffered from diarrhea.

I can’t stop thinking about that tenth person who apparently enjoyed it.

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

Why was G so upset?

Because he had a tummy H. (Tummy*ache*)

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

Little Johnny walks in on his dad having sex with his aunt.

Aunt was going up and down on his dad.When he sees little Johnny he is embarrassed and quickly tries covering up.

"So,..Son, see Aunty was ju.."

Little Johnny interrupts before dad could say further and says, "I know she was helping you flatten your tummy by going up and down, right?"

Dad is perplexed as it was the exactly what he was goi


read more
UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

Marriage is a tummy ache

Divorce is a laxative

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

Favourite song of cocaine smugglers?

Yummy, Yummy, Yummy i got coke in my tummy

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

Why men are the best cooks

Because with 2 eggs, a sausage, and a little bit of milk they can fill a girl’s tummy for 9 months

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

A lady with a mildly upset tummy gets on a street car for a cross town appointment...

When approaching the first stop, she notices the street car’s brakes make a horribly loud racket. Given the state of her upset tummy she decides that she can take advantage of the street car’s worn brakes. Cautiously, upon approaching the next stop she perfectly times the release of a small amount of pent up gas with the rumble of the street car and releases the smallest little poot.


read more
UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

The first day of first grade

The teacher asked the children what they had done over the summer.
One little boy raised his hand and said, "I went for a ride on the choo-choo."
"That's very nice," the teacher said, "but now that we are in first grade, we don't say choo-choo, we say train."
The next child raised her hand and said, "I had to have an operation on my tu


read more
UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

Little boy walks in on his parents having sex..

*“Daddy what are you doing? Are you hurting mummy..??” * The boy shrieks.  

*“No son not at all! Don’t worry, Daddy is just laying on mummy trying to put a little brother or sister in mummy’s tummy for you”* explains Dad  

Little boy goes *”Oh for fuck sake, can’t you do her doggy style? I’d


read more
UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

A little boy walks into his parents'....

room to see his mom on top of his dad bouncing up and down.
The mom sees her son and quickly dismounts, worried about what her son has seen. She dresses quickly and goes to find him.
The son sees his mom and asks, "What were you and Dad doing?"
The mother replies, "Well you know your dad has a big tummy and sometimes I have to get on top of it to help flatten


read more
UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

A woman just gave birth but the doctor took the baby before she could see it

The doctor come back into the woman’s room
« How’s my baby? » she asks. « There’s a bit of a problem with your child madam, he has no eyes.. »
The woman is taken aback but doesnt care its her baby she will love him no matter what.
« I want to see him and play with his little hands » she says. &la


read more
UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

Flat tummy

[deleted]

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

A kid asks his mom why she's always bouncing on Daddy's tummy

This kid went to ask his mom one day why she's always bouncing on Daddy's tummy. He didn't understand and would assume that it would hurt.

The mom responded that she was doing that so that Daddy's tummy would not bloat up and get fat.

The kid then replied, "Mommy, that's never going to work because the babysitter keeps blowing him back up.&q


read more
UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

I heard a report!

I heard a report about a bad outbreak of the tummy bug, apparently, 9 out of 10 people there suffered from diarrhea. I can’t stop thinking about that tenth person who apparently enjoyed it.

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

Men are better cooks

With just a piece of sausage and an egg, they can fill a woman's tummy for 9 months.

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

Three girls meet on the first day of school.

They ask each other what their names are. The first girl says in a sweet voice "My parents named me rose, because when my mummy was pregnant, a petal from a rose drifted down and landed on her tummy." The second girl says softly "My parents called me violet, because when my mummy was pregnant, the petal from a violet floated down on to her tummy." Then they both turn to the thi


read more
UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

A woman is looking at herself naked in the mirror

....she rubs her tummy and says to her husband "I feel ugly, fat and disgusting. Pay me a compliment"
Husband says "well, your eyesight is spot on"

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

A little boy goes to the circus for the first time with his mom and dad...

His dad gets up and goes for a piss. While he's gone, one of the elephants rises up and rests his feet on a giant red ball. The little boy sees the elephant's genitals flop down and is shocked.

"Mommy! What's that thing under the elephant, that long hanging thing?"

Embarrassed, the mother says, "Oh, that's nothing. Don't worry about


read more
UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

My wife told me to get her something she can use for her birthday this year.

So I got her a face-lift and a tummy tuck.

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

A very thirsty man walks into a grocery store

He asks the employee for 2% milk.
The employee eagerly shows him the milk.
Wrought with thirst, the man guzzles the entire gallon before he even realizes how salty it is.
Perplexed, he turns to the shopkeeper and asks if the milk is sour.
The shopkeeper replies "well of of course it is going to be little bit sour, it is 98% semen, silly!"
Still confused,


read more
UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

A little girl and her doggie

A little girl in a pretty dress with a tiny dog is walking down the street. A passerby asks her for her name.

- It's Rose, she says.

- Oh, what a beautiful name. Why did your parents choose it for you?

- My mommy says that when I was inside her a rose petal fell on her tummy, so she called me Rose.

- What a nice story! And what is your doggy


read more
UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

How does J.G. Wentworth tell you that he's hungry?

"It's my tummy, and I feed it NOW!"

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

How come when a woman is pregnant, people rub her tummy...?

How come when a woman is pregnant, people rub her tummy and say, "Congratulations" but no one rubs the guy's balls and says "Good job"?!

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

What do you call the bloated tummy of a starvation victim?

A *Boer* belly

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

What does Professor Xavier say when he wants to be tickled?

“tummy, my X-Men!”

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

Little Timmy walks in on his parents having sex

He sees his mom bouncing up and down on his dad. "Mommy, what are you and daddy doing?" The parents, obvioulsy very embarassed, are trying hard to make up a harmless explanation. "Uhm... I'm a... I'm sitting on daddys tummy to make all the air go out of it... because he's a bit fat..." stutters his mother.

"There's no use in that, mom. The


read more
UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

Where does babies come from? Slightly NSFW

A young mother was pregnant for the second time and her little daughter wondered how she got pregnant (the basics of getting pregnant). The mother explained that a baby grows in the mothers tummy and that it all started with one egg and one spremcell, or semen. Dad has the semen and mom has the egg.

Then the little girl asked: ''If you need semen and eggs to make a baby, and


read more
UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

Two ladies are in the gym locker room ....

changing into their running outfits. One lady notices her friend's tummy and asks: "Sara, why is there wax in your belly button?" Sara says, "Oh, you'll never believe how romantic my boyfriend can be. He just loves to eat by candlelight."

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

Little Johnny catches his mom and dad...

Mom and dad are having sex when little Johnny walks in. Quickly, dad tells him to leave. When mom and dad come out of the room, they explain to Johnny that sometimes daddy's get a big tummy and mommy's have to jump on it so it will deflate. Then Johnny replies, "But why does mommy have to deflate it when Ms. Jane next door just comes over every day to blow it back up?"


read more
UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

So Frank and Bill are at Bill's house

And it's getting late out (they lived very close to eachother, also: they are each 8 years old) so Frank has to go home for dinner (there houses were seperated by woods) and Bill tells Frank "Watch out for the ghosts, vampires, and goblins!" "What do I do if I hear one coming?" Frank replied, "If you hear a ghost, squawk like a chicken, if you hear a Vampire rub your


read more
UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

Two kids watch a pot-bellied man undress in a changing room,

One of them say "What is in your tummy that makes it so round?" To have some fun the pot-bellied man says, "A bomb". Dumbfounded the second child says, "What a short fuse!"

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE