Touching

Jokes

Why do bacteria wait 5 seconds before touching food?

They first need to skip an ad

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2 men are out on a golf course and the first man is about to tee off.

He lines up his shot, starts his backswing, but just before he he swings a funeral procession drives by on the road beside them. He immediately stops and kneels, and closes his eyes in a display of solemn respect until the procession goes by. Then he gets up and starts to tee off again. But the other man says, "Whoa, hold up, that has got to be the most touching thing I've ever seen! You


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A Sunday School teacher is teaching kids about Heaven and asked the class their thoughts on which part of them would get to Heaven first.

Little Suzy says it's her heart, because she's so caring and loving. Angie says it's her brain, because she's smart and uses it to help people.

Tommy looks around and say "No, no, no. It's not your brain or heart. I know the answer to this one. It's your feet."

"Why your feet?" asked the teacher.

Tommy says, &


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Who knew touching some nipples really makes the whole concept of "tits" an awesome thing as a male.

Good to know there's plenty under my keyboard.

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A very talented and successful musician is on his death bed and about to die so he calls in his local radio station and makes a touching last minute request

They reply "Don't go anywhere because we'll be right back after these messages from our sponsors"

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What did the priest say to the kids' class

A lot of touching words.

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Why did Drax the Destroyer start groping Star-Lord every time Star-Lord boasted about himself?

He was touching wood.

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Political For someone who starts every sentence with look

Joe Biden sure does a lot of touching.

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I was arrested for pushing the demo button on an Elmo doll.

He accused me of touching his test-tickles.

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A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course...

One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer.

His friend says: “Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man.”

The man then replies: “Yeah, well


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I can crack an egg without even touching it

All I have to do is tell a joke and it cracks up

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The worst part about kissing a perfect ten...

... is the cold feeling your lips get from touching the mirror. 

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My wife doesnt give me a lot of action, but luckily my dick is a theremin

you can play it without touching it.

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What do smartphones and baseball have in common?

You're safe when you touch home, but most of the time you're just touching balls.

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If you let me touch your wife's ass and smack it, i will pay you $100,000

Says a guy to his best friend. His friend gets furious and asks him to mind what he is saying. Later in the evening the best friend tells this incident to his wife, and she got more angry at him deny such offer. She says 'you can stand right there with us, he is not gonna fuck me. I mean $100,000 for touching and smacking my ass is worth it, we can buy hell lot of stuff'. The husband agr


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I met Michael Jackson once when I was 9 years old

It was a touching experience.

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(NSFW) Snow White and Prince Charming are on a date.

They kick the 7 dwarves out so they can have the cottage to themselves to do what they're gonna do. The dwarves decide to spy on the couple, and peek in the window by making a ladder and standing on each other's shoulders.
Prince Charming kisses Snow White, and the dwarves start telling each other, passing the message down the ladder, one dwarf at a time: "HE'S KISSING H


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Dirty diaper

me: [throws away a dirty diaper]

wife: OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!

me: it's gross i'm not touching that

wife: GET THE BABY OUT OF THE TRASH AND CHANGE IT!

me: ugh fine

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My girlfriend left me because I have a fetish for touching pasta (part2)

I'm not sure why she got so mad when I gave her large tortellini's to hand out to her friends at her birthday party.

I guess she's not a fan of pasta parcels...

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My girlfriend left me because I have a fetish for touching pasta.

I'm feeling cannelloni now. 😔

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Breaking pop star news

This just in: Ariana Grande, during an exclusive tell all interview, reveals for the first time her deep sadness and grief in the harrowing wake of the 2018 concert bombings that left so many young fans brutally maimed and killed, and shares plans for a new single.

Entitled “Thank u, legs” the song is a touching tribute to a newfound appreciation for retaining bipedal move


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A girl goes to her mother and says...

“Mom, I think I’m pregnant”

The mom says, “I’ve told you so many times, when someone is touching your boobs, say ‘don’t’. If they are touching your vagina, say ‘Stop’.

The girl looks at her mother and says

“Yeah but he was touching both”


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What did Pope John Paul II say when he caught the rabbi touching a kid?

He said: Mnfgsssnnborntlgj

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What did Paul Ii say when he caught the rabbi touching a kid?

He said: Smmjkllomkmmry!!!

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A lot of Michael Jackson's songs make me cry

They're very touching.

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Just watched a documentary about the guy who, after a very hard upbringing, became the World Champion of Tag

It was really touching.

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When vanna white dies...

do you think her family will receive a lot of touching letters?

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Another funny joke

aight not sure if you all know this one but here it goes

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three girls were sitting in a cafe, says one of the girls just slightly cries and says "my boyfriend Kevin won't talk to me!" the two of the girls were kinda curious and asked her why, "i tried to seduce Kevin by touching one of his balls..but they were warm!! too warm like a fre


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How do you fit 2 elephants in a bottle without them touching each other?

You put a third in between them

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Watching INSIDEOUT:

**(Sadness touches a memory)**

Me: STOP TOUCHING STUFF YOU TWAT!

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Hey, do you know that feeling of touching a girl's boob?

Yeah, neither do I.

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How to hurt someone without touching them

Just say papercut on the dickhead...

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An motorcyclist got home late one night.

And he decided to take a bath. He suddenly ran out of the bathroom naked shouting....Ghost! Ghost! Ghost!

On hearing this, his neighbours rushed out,
Narrating his story, he said he has poured water on his head for about 5 times & the water was not touching his head.
only to discover that the idiot did not remove His helmet before having his bath


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Why are nonces good at the recorder

Because they are very experienced in touching small holes

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Water is wet

ok so i know people say water isnt wet, because u actually have to wet something with the water first. but lets say you have a water in a glass, right. the glass is now in fact wet, right? cause its touched by the water. But the water is also in touch with the glass. water has to always be in contact with something. so lets say u have water. where do u have ur water? in the spring? ok so the sprin


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New Scam - Long but worth the read.

Over the last few months I have become a victim of a clever 'Eastern European' scam while out shopping. Simply dropping into the local mall for a bit of shopping turned out to be quite an experience:

Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends. Here's how the scam works:

Two seriously good-looking voluptuous 20-21 year


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I'll tell you how I became the world champion of hide and seek

But be prepared to cry. It's very touching.

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Two white and two black men are sitting in a sauna

Suddenly one of the white men asks the black men: "Do you know why your palms are the only white places on your body?

Because when your were poured over with tar, your palms where the only thing touching the wall"

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One of the black men then replies: "Do you know why your assholes are brown? Because when we were taking you from b


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He touched her hand and she touched his hand

What a touching story

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What is the scariest thing for Germophobia?

finding out the soap dispenser is empty.

[Not because there is no soap to use, but because they realizes that after touching the empty dispenser which possibly had been touched by many.](#s)

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A trucker died in Ireland. A local snack entrepreneur gave a touching speech at the funeral.

“He was driving me nuts alright until the bloody car crash.”

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A trucker died in a horrible accident in Ireland. A local snack entrepreneur gave a touching speech at his funeral.

“He was driving me nuts alright until the bloody car crash. ”

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A blind person is touching sandpaper and ask...

who wrote this nonsense?

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On the job training.

"So, Howard, how does your on the job training go?"

"Well mom, I'm not going to lie, I saw some pretty messed up stuff. Like yesterday, I saw my superiors behave very inappropriately in front of kids and touching them in weird ways."

"Well, Howard, I did tell you that being a Catholic priest is hard."


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What does a 9 volt battery and your partner's asshole have in common?

You know it's silly, but nevertheless you will end up touching it with your tongue

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What's the best way to prevent two lips from touching each other?

Counting from 1 to a million
EDIT: Our lips don't touch each other when shout at OP

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So three people are sentenced to death by guillotine.

First comes the bartender. The executioner asks if he has any last words, and the bartender exclaims "free drinks for all if God spares me!" The executioner pulls the lever and the blade stops before touching the bartender. The crowd considers this an act of God and successfully demand the bartender be freed.

Next comes the insurance broker. The executioner asks if he has an


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Why did Elon Musk name his company Spacex?

Because Spacey was touching kids

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Dogs are like fat people

They’re all cute and cuddly until you try touching they’re food

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My little brother lost his first tooth today

That’ll show him for touching my fucking PlayStation

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