Total

Jokes

I told my girlfriend the saying you are what you eat is total BS.

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My PE teacher once told me why there's 45 minutes of play every half of a soccer game.

The number of minutes is adjusted to the number of balls in the field. There's 2 team consists of 11 player each, who each has 2 'balls'.

So in total there's 44 ball plus 1 ball played, you got the number of minutes in soccer; 45.

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I told my girlfriend the saying you are what you eat is total BS,

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Was going to buy velcro today

But it was a total rip-off

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My horse will only let me ride him after dark.

He's a total night mare.

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Best pals, Frank and Paul, are out for a day of golf. On the third hole, Paul accidentally putts the ball into a field of buttercups. Determined to get the ball back onto the green, he demolishes half of the flowers in the process. As he raises his club to take another swing...POOF! Mother Nature

appears. "What have you done?!! As punishment for destroying my precious buttercups, you shall have no butter for your toast ever again. No butter for baked potatoes either. Actually, no. You shall have no butter for anything...for the rest of your life!" And then, POOF! She was gone.

In total shock and disbelief at what had just occurred, Paul turned around to look for his


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Uni partisan political poll v1.0

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Daddy, I inherited my intelligence from you, right?

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A superstitious man goes to the market to buy exactly 4.3333333333... kilograms of rice.

When the tender tells him that the total amounts to 13€, he starts panicking and says "get those away from me, they're cursed!".

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I lent an umbrella to girl yesterday.

It makes the total number of girls I have made wet this year to -1.

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I just spent half a day creating a belt made entirely out of watches

A total waist of time

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A young man with 3 testicles goes to see a doctor

The man is really self-conscious about having 3 testicles, and he's afraid it can badly affect his health if he doesn't get himself checked, so he decides to see a doctor. However, he reckons that seeing a female doctor would be very awkward so he makes sure it is a male doctor he's seeing

**Man:** doctor, I have a very rare condition but I'm too embarrassed to sa


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Every day we have hundreds of people coming into this country with no skill, no grasp of the language and a total drain on our resources...

Babies are fucking useless.

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I was a judge in a singing competition.

There were two contestants, Cardi B and a dog named Julie.

As it was expected, the bitch just couldn't sing at all. Felt like my ears were bleeding listening to total crap that the bitch had to offer.

However, Julie sang pretty good.

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Nothing says I have total faith in God

than the bullet proof glass on the Pope's car.

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I took a two last math test

Each part was worth half my total mark.

I got 21 percent on the first one and 18 in the second part .



Can't wait to tell my mom I passed!!

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"Remember, son, a smart person always has doubts about something. Only a total idiot can be 100 sure about everything."

"Dad, are you sure?"

"Absolutely."

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A bit dismayed at the lack of sportsmanship at the women's world cup...

...I mean the lack of shirt-swapping at the end is a total disgrace!

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A husband and wife were out playing golf.

They tee off and one drive goes to the right and one drive goes to the left .

The Wife finds her ball in a patch of buttercups .She grabs a club and takes a mighty swing at the ball .She hits a beautiful second shot ,but in the process she hacks the hell out of the buttercups .

Suddenly a woman appears out of nowhere .She blocks her path to her bag and looks at her and sa


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What's the difference between seeing a flying pig and a politician?

You know the pig is a total load of BS.

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She- you're a total dick and a drug addict.

Me- I am not a drug a dick.

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Why I'm tired

For a couple of years I have been blaming it on lack of sleep,not enough sunshine,too much pressure from my job,ear wax buildup, poor blood,or anything else I could think of.But now I found out the real reason.Im tired because I'm overworked.And here's why:The population of this country is 273 million.140 million are retired,That leaves 133 million to do the work.There are 85 million in


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A starfish once went to the store:

He was checking out and when he saw the total, he exclaimed, “ Wow, that cost me an arm and a leg!” The cashier said to him,” don’t worry, they’ll grow back.”

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So I saw a group of youths (6 in total) starting a fight with a ginger lad

He did some sort of MMA combination and knock ever one of them out, turns out he was the carroty kid.

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A friend once set me up on a blind date.

He said, "She's a lovely girl, but there's something you should know... She's expecting a baby."


I felt like a total idiot waiting in the club wearing nothing but a diaper.

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Everything today just gets you to spend more money

$12.99 but it’s really $13

$13 with free shipping but with shipping the total is $11

Your wife telling you she loves you

See what I mean

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What's 3 inches long, shriveled, and a total disappointment to my wife?

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Pizza Guy

Pizza Guy: Your total would be $29.34.

Me: But I cannot afford that much.

PG: But you have to pay somehow.

Me: Wait. *take out my wallet* I forgot that I have $30.

Porn Director: Cut it.

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I got a call from a total stranger. He was asking to meet me in the woods so that he could take a look at my penis.....

Weirdo never showed up.

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A total stranger called me last night. He asked if I would meet him in the Forest because he wanted to see my penis...

Weirdo never showed up.

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Have you heard about the perfume that smells of nothing?

I think it's total non-scents.

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I saw a newspaper add to buy a horse

I called the number and the guy told me to meet him at a well known farm to get the horse. I had to buy the guys expensive saddle and and harness in order to buy the horse so I did.

When I got home I got the horse saddled up and tried to ride it but it wouldn’t do anything. That’s when I realized it was blind. I was so mad, I stormed right back to the farm and demanded a r


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There are actually 8 deadly sins in total.

They just forgot to count Johnny.

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When you think about it, the ending for GOT makes total sense

Arya went west, Jon went north, Dorgon went east and the show went south

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A little boy asked his dad: "Can i have a girlfriend?"

Dad: when you grow up and be a nice gentleman, maybe you'll have one.

Boy: what if grow up and be a total piece of shit and an asshole.

Dad: language kid!.. In that case you're gonna have lots of'em.

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Reddit is a total shit show

But I do like looking at it in different places besides the toilet

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Indian: "That your cat?"


Pakistani: "Yes"

Indian: "Mind if I speak to him?'

Pakistani: "Cats don't talk.”

Indian: Hey catty, how's it going?"

Cat: "Doing all right."

Pakistani: (look of shock)

Indian: Is this your owner?" (Pointing at the Pakistani)

Cat: "Yes.&


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So, the 2nd rule about posting on Reddit is to 'behave like you would in real life'.

Funny; I've never before been *asked* to behave like a total asshole.

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The description of this sub is a total joke.

“The funniest jokes on Reddit. Hundreds of jokes are posted everyday and some of them aren’t even reposts.” Yeah right...

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An Englishman and a Welshman

Englishman: "That your dog?"

Welshman: "Aye"

Englishman: "Mind if I speak to him?'

Welshman: "Dog don't talk.”

Englishman: Hey dog, how's it going?"

Dog: "Doing all right."

Welshman: (look of shock)

Englishman: Is this your owner?" (Point


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An Englishman walks up to a Welshman one day...

Englishman: "That your dog?"

Welshman: "Aye"

Englishman: "Mind if I speak to him?'

Welshman: "Dog don't talk.”

Englishman: Hey dog, how's it going?"

Dog: "Doing all right."

Welshman: (look of shock)

Englishman: Is this your owner?" (Point


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My friends always ask why i never buy velcro.

It's a total rip-off.

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Talking animals

Indian: "That your cat?"

Pakistani: "Yes"

Indian: "Mind if I speak to him?'

Pakistani: "Cats don't talk.”

Indian: Hey catty, how's it going?"

Cat: "Doing all right."

Pakistani: (look of shock)

Indian: Is this your owner?" (Pointing at the


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Englishman: "That your dog?"

Englishman: "That your dog?"

Welshman: "Aye"

Englishman: "Mind if I speak to him?'

Welshman: "Dog don't talk.”

Englishman: Hey dog, how's it going?"

Dog: "Doing all right."

Welshman: (look of shock)

Englishman: Is this your owner?" (Point


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The Englishmen and the Welshman

Englishman: "That your dog?"

Welshman: "Aye"

Englishman: "Mind if I speak to him?'

Welshman: "Dog don't talk.”

Englishman: Hey dog, how's it going?"

Dog: "Doing all right."

Welshman: (look of shock)

Englishman: Is this your owner?" (Point


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20-Year double-blind university study in Sweden on the effects of diet on sex drive

Have you heard about this new study?

Researches in Sweden tracked 2,000 couples from the moment they first started dating out to twenty (20) years forward.

Obviously, most of the couples ended up getting divorced, but their behavior and health was still tracked throughout the study.

There were many interesting findings, all available in the Swedish Journal of


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Librarian: You have outstanding overdue book fees of $6,752.35 in total

Me: “Why thank you!”

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How many legs does a horse have?

All horses have two legs at the back. They also have fore legs at the front. That makes it a total of six legs. But six is an odd number of legs for a horse to have.

Reposted Without Any Remorse.

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I wouldnt't buy anything with velcro

**I wouldn't buy anything with velcro. It's a total rip-off.**

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What's the designer of the Galaxy Fold's favourite film?

Total Recall

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