Tool

Jokes

Why are posts about the new Tool album getting so many Reddit awards?

Because it is worth its wait in gold.

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I misplaced Dwayne Johnsons cutting tool for the origami workshop...

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The Kindest Cut

What do you call a cutting tool that returns a favor?
...
A reciprocating saw.

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What isnt the sharpest tool in the shed because its been used so much?

A hoe.

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Why should you never use a tool for sorting big and small fences

It's a fence-sieve

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Just Scrabble Stories

Womba.... A robot tool to clean up your womb.

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In 1859 before the advent of daguerreotypes, a gold rush broke out in southern California when a girl found less than an ounce immediately upon arriving at a picturesque site in the nearby mountains, but historians are skeptical that she found it so easily, because at the time

there were few available mattocks, the tool with a pointed end used to dig for gold, and no one would would have shared them from neighboring San Francisco. I don't think it happened either because in Los Angeles, everyone knows that an insta gram doesn't happen without pick shares.

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Was hit over the head with a power tool yesterday.

I was standing there, minding my own business, then 'Bosch'

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A zoo housed the world's most intelligent chimpanzee,

This chimp was so smart, it had move beyond fishing termites from a nest with a twig. It had crafted it's own knife, fork, and plate from two sticks and a flat rock. He had even named them his one-point tool, his four-point tool, and his big flat tool. At feeding time, spectators from far and wide flocked to marvel at the world's smartest chimp and his ingenious tools.



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What's the difference between a hoe and a prostitute?

One is a tool. The other is your mom.

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So my mom decided to sell her house, but shed always promised shed get the boulder out of her front yard.

It was an eyesore, but she couldn’t handle it herself. I was still in college, so on a long weekend, I loaded all the guys I could in my car, drove the 11 hours home. We borrowed a truck, backed it right up, and tried to lift it. We couldn’t move it.

So I called in all the old high school friends I could reach. It still wouldn’t budge.

So we get scientif


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I misplaced Dwayne Johnsons cutting tool for the origami concert

I can’t believe I lost the Rock’s Paper Scissors.

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I got pulled over the other day...

A rookie police officer pulled me over for speeding and had the following exchange:
• Officer: May I see your driver's license?
• Me: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.
• Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?
• Me: It's not my bike. I stole it.
• Officer: The motorcycle is


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A rookie police officer pulled me over for speeding and had the following exchange:

• Officer: May I see your driver's license?
• Me: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.
• Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?
• Me: It's not my bike. I stole it.
• Officer: The motorcycle is stolen?
• Me: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's


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A rookie police officer pulled me over for speeding and had the following exchange:

• Officer: May I see your driver's license?
• Me: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.
• Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?
• Me: It's not my bike. I stole it.
• Officer: The motorcycle is stolen?
• Me: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's


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A rookie cop pulled me over and this was the exchange.

• Officer: May I see your driver's license?
• Me: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.
• Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?
• Me: It's not my bike. I stole it.
• Officer: The motorcycle is stolen?
• Me: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's


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The professional class shouldn't be upset with these recent abortion bills.

Becauae they get a free abortion tool with every garment they dry clean.

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Jeremy Clarkson's 3 rules of car repair:

1. Always use the right tool for the job.

2. The right tool is always a hammer.

3. Every tool can be used as a hammer.

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3 rules of construction: 1. Always use the right tool for the job.

2. The right tool is always a hammer.

3. Every tool can be used as a hammer.

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My favorite tool is an axe

It’s goes “wack”

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New kid on the jobsite today asked what was the proper name for the tool we were using (plumb bob)

I told him "Plumb Robert".

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Did you know Magic Johnson had his own machine shop?

It was called “Touch my Tool and Die”.

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Gateman

Billy was proud of his endowment.

He shows up at the headquarters of the BigDix association in Vegas and announces he wants to run for president.
He walks up to the receptionist and asks for a form.
Receptionist says he must first submit for verification.

Billy pulls up his pants and shows his instrument tucked into his socks.

Receptionist respon


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What does a Tool fan and an unvaccinated child have in common?

Neither one will be alive when their next album is released

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What tool do ghosts use when making shelves?

A spirit level

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I hate the tool business

It really screwed me over

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It tunes and scoops?

What do you call a tool that both tunes and scoops?

​

A tuning spork!

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Describe your favourite farming tool with two adjectives...

Sick-cool

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What do you call an unexpected pruning tool?

A non-secateur.

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What is a sheeps favorite office tool?

A lamb-inator

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My wife texted me that she saw some MAGA tool checking out at tje grocery store who had a gun in a holster strapped to his leg...

I responded, "hey he's just excercising his right to bear arms on legs."

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My rapper friend has started a really successful gardening tool delivery business.

He’s got hoes in different area codes.

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What do you call a tool used by a Polish combat medic?

A Warsaw

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Theres not much video gamers and the Cartel have in common

Except maybe a tool assisted speed-run

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Guy in a bar called me a tool

So I got hammered and nailed his girlfriend. Guess he was right

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A man goes to a tool store to buy a chainsaw. The server sells him the top-of-the-line model, saying that it will cut through over 100 trees in one day.

The man takes the chainsaw home and begins working on the trees but after working for hours he only cuts down two trees.

“How can I cut for hours and hours and only finish two trees?” he asks himself.

Next day the man brings the chainsaw back to the store and says it doesn’t work properly.

“Hmm, it looks okay,” says the server, a


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Some guy called me a tool.

So I got hammered and nailed his girlfriend. Guess he was right

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Who should play a car mechanic wielding a hefty tool in any film?

Hugh Jackman.

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Some people think of fanny packs as being a useful tool to hold your belongings,

I personally think they’re just waisted space.

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Last night, I went to watch a Tool tribute band perform in front of a wild crowd. The last song they did was a cover of The Pot.

I must say, by the time the show ended they really had to put The Lid on.

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A tool?


Dad: A woman at work must think I am some kind of tool. She keeps telling me, “you ratchet.”

Son: You ARE a tool. A CORPORATE tool.

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What do you call a tool you think you use to stop bleeding from shaving but your just not sure if it will get the job done?

A skeptic pencil.

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What do you call a tool you think you use to stop bleeding from shaving but your just not sure if it will get the job done?

A skeptic pencil.

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Steven King

https://www.usatoday.com/story/news/politics/2019/01/17/iowa-steve-king-fundraising-campaign-white-nationalism-supremacy-house-resign-denounce-nyt-district/2604827002/

Knock knock?
Whose there?
Mickie!
Mickie who?
Mickie doesn’t fit in the keyhole.

So yeah, Steve king is a racist tool happy to get money from white supremacy.

What


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What's another name for a wood-cutting tool?

A sexist lumberjack.

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Whats the approximate Venn Diagram of Tool fans and Joe Rogan fans

It’s a Perfect Circle

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Some guy called me a tool.

​

​

So I got hammered and nailed his girlfriend. Guess he was right.

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I won a raffle at a Home Depot once.

They gave me a choice between a tool that can help me climb to high places, or a pair of goggles to protect my eyes.

I chose the latter.

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I want to start a tool company with my girlfriend, Jenna

Thinking about calling it Jenna-tools

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Im not the brightest shed in the tool

But you definitely read that wrong

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