Tick

Jokes

OC Kid's joke... What do you get when you cross a loon (bird) with a common summer pest?

A Loon-a-tick

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A flea and a tick are hanging out on a lion's pussy... (stupid)

Tick: "jesus christ bub, ain't she wicked humid today"

Flea: "I can tell you're not from around these parts."

Tick: "I just moved into a place near the hood, but I was born and raised in Mane."

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Peeing on my flowers

A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her.

One of the bags was ripped and every once in a while a $20 bill fell out onto the sidewalk.

Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag."

"Oh, really? Darn it!" said the little old


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People with tourettes

What makes them tick

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Good math is like a good clock.

It just takes a rhythm, a tick.

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Can a clock make a flea fly?

No, but it can make a tick talk.

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Can a clock make a flea fly?

No, but it can make a tick talk.

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What's the difference between a tick and the Eiffel tower?

None, because they're both paris sites.

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I matched with a deer on Tinder.

It sent me a tick pic.

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What do you call a bug on the moon?

A luna tick

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What do you call a parasite that keeps looking over its' shoulder?

A nervous tick.

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This little old lady is quite the entrepreneur.

A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her.

One of the bags was ripped and every once in a while a $20 bill fell out onto the sidewalk.

Noticing this, a policeman stopped her and said, "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag."

"Oh, really? Darn it!" said the little old


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Harvey's grandfather clock suddenly stops working right one day.

He loads it into his van and takes it to a clock repair shop. In the shop is a little old man who insists he is Swiss but has a heavy German accent asks Harvey, "Vat sims to be ze problem?"

Harvey says, "I'm not sure, but it doesn't go 'tick- tock-tick-tock' anymore. Now it just goes 'tick...tick...tick.'"

The old man says


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Whats ticktock crocks favorite thing to ware around the house

His tick tock crocs

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I was talking to a man with tourettes the other day and he just started shouting at me...

I don’t know what I said but something made him tick!

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What is the difference between a tick and a lawyer?

A tick falls off when you die

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Terms and Conditions Apply

"Tick Accept" -NEXT

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After Notre Dame burnt down during renovation, Big Ben is worried.

It has a nervous tick.

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Playwrights really tick me off.

They always make a scene.

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An American soldier was captured by the Germans during WWII...

An American soldier was captured by the Germans during WWII. He was placed into a detention cell and soon a neatly uniformed SS officer comes to interrogate him.

“Vhere is your unit based?” asks the officer in accented English. But the soldier looks him dead in the eyes and says only “Tick tick tick...”

The officer asks further questions but the s


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Why do clocks swear a lot?

Because they have a tick.

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So my clock only went "tick tick tick"...

and I took it in to a German watchmaker. He looked at it menacingly and said "Ve have vays of making you tock."

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What kind of Tick is explosive?

A dyna-mite.

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We must discuss Lyme disease now.

It's time to have a tick talk.

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Three ticks are living in a girls vagina

The first tick says “You know what? I’m gonna become an electrician so it won’t be so dark in here”

The second tick says “I’m gonna be a plumber so it won’t be so wet in here”

The third tick says “I’m gonna be a boxer” the other ticks look at him confused and ask him why would he want to be a boxer?
H


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Two Middle-earth entomologists are looking at a small insect...

"It looks like a tick", says the first. "No, it has wings, I am certain it is a beetle", says the other.

After some arguing, they call in an expert.

Gandalf takes one look and says,

"Fly, you fools!"

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What did the doctor say to the man that came in with a nervous tick

Weird flex but okay

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A brunette is checking the mail before work...

When she notices her internet bill is about two hundred dollars more than usual.

Concerned, she calls her internet provider and asks why her bill is so much. "Well," the representative explains, "you've exceeded your bandwidth allotment this month by over 300%." The brunette can't imagine why, but she decides she needs to change her browsing habits. So sh


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A brunette is checking the mail before work...

When she notices her internet bill is about two hundred dollars more than usual.

Concerned, she calls her internet provider and asks why her bill is so much. "Well," the representative explains, "you've exceeded your bandwidth allotment this month by over 300%." The brunette can't imagine why, but she decides she needs to change her browsing habits. So sh


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What do you call a tick on the moon?

Lunatic.

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I was at university for a lesson today, and my psychology lecturer asked us what makes a terrorist tick.

Apparently, "a bomb" was not the right answer.

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Origin of PROPHYLACTIC

* "PRO" - like Pro and Con: Good thing and Bad thing
* "PHYL" - from the Old English "fyllon"; *to make full* or *to fill*
* "LAC" - from the Middle Dutch "laken" or "lack"; *to not have*
* "TIC" - also "tick"; any of numerous bloodsucking parasites

So a prophylactic is a (good thing) (to


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What is another name for the tick-tock croc from Peter Pan?

A Clock-odile.

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My dad used to beat me

At tick-tax-toe


With his belt

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I'm so hungry that I could eat a watch.

But that would probably just tick off everyone.

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I have a nervous tick

I gave him a drink, I think he'll be fine

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Do you work in an Amazon warehouse?

Because you tick all my boxes.

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TIL where the word 'politics' comes from

'Poly' is from the Greek meaning *many*, and 'tick' is from *a bunch of blood sucking parasites*

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TIL learned where the word 'politics' comes from

'Poly' is from the Greek meaning *many*, and 'tick' is from *a bunch of blood sucking parasites*

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What do you call a crazy parasite on the moon?

A Lunar-tick

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What did the detective say while interrogating a clock accused of murder?

"LISTEN PUNK! We know what makes you tick, and we have ways to make you tock!"

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What do you call a tick that lives on the moon?

A lunatic.

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People with tourettes...

What makes them tick?

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The clock was tired of doing tick-tack all the time...

[deleted]

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People with Tourettes

What makes them tick?

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A wood tick walks into a bar...

Thirty minutes later he takes his seat on a barstool between two ravishing women. The bartender says, "You chose a nice spot between Mary and Mary. What would you like, friend?"

The wood tick replies, "Nothing, thanks." Looking left and then right, he continues, "I'll make my own Bloody Marys."


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Girl, do you have Lyme disease?

Cause you tick af

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A lady took her clock to a clock repairman.

"What seems to be the problem?" he asked.

"This clock just goes tick, tick, tick." she replied.

"Ahh, don't worry lady, we have ways to make them tock".

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What do you call a gay tick?

Sodomite

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So a man dies, goes to Heaven, and sees St. Peter.

So a man dies, goes to Heaven, and sees St. Peter. There are many clocks surrounding him so the man asks, "What are these clocks for?" St. Peter replies, "These are lie clocks, they tick once for every lie you tell. Here we have Mother Teresa's clock. She has never lied so the clock has not moved. Honest Abe has only lied twice in his life, so it has only ticked twice." Th


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