Text

Jokes

The creator of predictive text died today

His funfair is next monkey

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A man and his wife are sitting in the livingroom one evening. He was tapping away on his phone while she was curled up reading a book when suddenly they heard her phone ping from the kitchen.

She went to the kitchen to read the text message from her husband "Could you bring me a beer from the fridge while you're there?"

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The amount of artists dipping their pen in the company ink is too damn high

text (optional)

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How do you greet the actor who plays Mike on Stranger Things?

-!

(Extra text so it doesn't get removed lol)

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Two men walked into a bar,

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People that lag

When I text someone and they take forever to reply I always say "you lag more than my dad"

My dad is dead

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What is black, white and read all over

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TIL

Today I learnt that putting '> !' before the text and '! <' after the text hides it. So i decided to put the joke inside it. >!the joke!<

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What's black and white and read all over?

Aw crap, I don't think this joke works in text...

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Three ways to forget your ex

1. Block your ex
2. Add me
3. Text me

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What is a hackers favorite pop group?

The Black IP’s


Note: Siri voice to text is solely responsible for this

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Do you want to hear the best joke ever?

Then find it and use text to speech.

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I have a Fisher Space Pen.

As the name says, it's best for writing the text between the words.

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There was a Samurai Could Beat 10 Men Alone...

Then 11 men gathered and beat him.

Bottom Text.

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Why do bees hum?

They don't remember the text!

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The answer is D

You travel back in time to personally give George Washington a smart phone. What is his first text?

A: Group text to his generals with strategy for keeping the British at bay?

B: Group text to congress discussing issues facing the nation?

C: Text a buddy about a new gun or the dentures his dentist made

D: Martha.....send nudes!


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What to French Cats text back when they receive something funny?

Lmao

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An attempt at OC after one year on Reddit.

I slept with a girl that works at Amazon last night.

I got a text from her today that said: “People who slept with me also bought a STD kit and this 5 star genital wart cream.”

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Auto Correct

Text to Neighbor:

​

Hi Fred, this Richard next door. I've got a confession to make. I've been riddled with guilt for a few months and have been trying to pluck up the courage to tell you face to face. at least I'm telling you in this text and I can't live with myself a minute longer without your knowing this.

&#


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Is it just me?

Or does everytime i text my dad, "wyd?" (what are you doing?) He always will always say, "talking to you."

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A prank

So someone random text me saying is this blah blah blah and I’m like yeah and there like you said this stuff on camera and I’m like no I didn’t and then they said we caught you on camera I was so scared cuss I don’t know them and then they said I can go to jail I got scared cuz they said call the or I will be arrested I called it was a prank lmao


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My neighbour showed up at my party last night.

Me: My friend Jack is coming as well btw

Them: The cannibal Jack or the Jack that can't spell?

Me \[checks my phone for Jack's text message: I can't wait to meat ur neighbours!\]: Yeah I'm not sure either.

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A programming engineer gets a text from his wife on his way home.

It said "please stop at the shops grab some bread, if they have eggs grab a dozen"

He came home with 12 loaves of bread

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A life saving text

Want food for free?








Walk up to someone in a restaurant and tell him/her to take a card in his/her head and to close his/her eyes, take as much food as possible, and run away.

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What kind of phone plan does an introvert get?

A text only.

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Text post are like children

You delete the ones that don't succeed.

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Matt : Hey Siri , text my wife that I will not be coming home tonight.

Siri : ok.

Siri (after a long pause) : Hey Matt , next time tell her yourself.

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My favourite text to the missus when I'm at the pub: " I'll be there in 5 minutes

....If not.... read this again"

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An interesting title

Your text post (optional)

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A man goes on vacation for a few weeks

While on vacation he gets a text from his friend saying, "Man Ive been on your wife since you been gone, sorry I felt bad should've told you earlier" This guy is super mad about it, goes home and kills his wife. Gets another text from his friend "Sorry I meant WiFi! Damn autocorrect."


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Like many young boys, I remember the first time I saw my dads dick.

I remember saying “Dad...

Don’t text me shit like that..”

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Why is called The Call of Cthulhu?

Like, doesn’t he know how to text?

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Ill never forget....

The time I saw my dad’s penis,

I said don’t text me shit like that

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I wont give you sex so you never text me

I swear, girls are only interested in one thing

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An interesting title

Your text post (optional)

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Help, I think the girl I had my first date with is homeless.

I told her to send me a text message when she got home, but it's been days.

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My wife always complains to me about my bad punctuation

She keeps replying to my text messages saying I dont know how to use interpunction but whenever i try to say anything she says im missing the point

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As a man, I'll never forget the first time I saw my dad's penis.

I said,"Dad, don't text me shit like that."

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You know what they say about taking notes in business school from sketchy characters

Con-text matters

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My wife text me saying myspacebarisbrokenpleasegivemeanalternative

I replied saying of course but I couldn’t help but think, what does ternative mean?

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Title of your post

Body of your text post

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Alabama 1000

Guy: Walks into a bar and screams 'I just got a text from my sister, she's pregnant'
Everyone else: 'Congrats dude'
Guy: 'I'm finally going to be a dad!'

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A 60 year old millionaire is getting married

A 60 year old millionaire is getting married and throws a big wedding reception. His friends are quite jealous and in a quiet moment one of them asks him how did he land such a hot 23 year old beauty? “Simple,” grins the millionaire, “I faked my age." His friends are really amazed and ask him how much he said. "Well", he replied. "I said I was 87!" - NOT


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I got a call telling me my wife

I got a call telling me my wife’s been taken to the hospital. “Oh my Lord, how is she?!” I asked. “I’m sorry to say she’s critical,” said the nurse. “What the heck is she complaining about again?!” - NOTE: A lot of creative work went into our website. Do not copy text without adding a link back to us. Thank you.


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A patient went to a doctor

A doctor accidentally prescribes him a laxative instead of a coughing syrup. - Three days later the patient comes for a check-up and the doctor asks: “Well? Are you still coughing?” - The patient replies: “No. I’m afraid to.” - NOTE: A lot of creative work went into our website. Do not copy text without adding a link back to us. Thank you.


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I hate people who quote misspelled text

They make me (sic).

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Do this for me please

okay looks guys and girls.... i'm really trying to get my friend good on april fools day this year... so if you could text his number asking about the free lawn mower on craigslist it would be the best.

609-579-7929

thanks and happy april fools day

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If a golfer never takes any Ls do they turn into a gopher

Yes I understand, the joke doesn’t work very well in text

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God and Jesus are playing a game on their PlayStations.

God and Jesus are playing a game on their PlayStations. Jesus gets a text from Lucifer that he wants to join them online. Jesus asks God if that's okay. God knows that it won't work because Lucifer plays on X-box.

He tells Jesus that Lucifer isn't cross-compatible.

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In my dream

My ears have so much vax in them that I purchased 2 packets of Q-TIP from my uncle's imaginary tool shop. Then I realised in the dream that these are not Q-TIPs but are fully closed Zip Ties and tried to repack them.

P.S. I know this is not the right subreddit. But I couldn't find another sub which allowed to post text or the right sub reddit.
P.S. II. English is my se


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