Teach

Jokes

It doesn't matter how much kindness and generosity you teach your Children..

German Kids Are always going to be Kinder

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A physics student ask his teacher

A physics student ask his teacher: "Can you point me to someone who can teach me a way in which quantum mechanics can be united with general relativity"
The teacher answers: "I'll see if I can pull some strings for you"

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Socrates once said the love of pedagogy should inspire all those that teach to do so without compensation

He was poisoned by the Greek Teachers Union

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A man wanted to teach his sons the evils of alcohol

So he takes out two glasses. Fills one with bourbon and one with water.

He puts A worm in the bourbon and a worm in the water. Worm in the water lives, worm in the bourbon dies.

He turns to his son and say "now what does that teach you about the evils of alcohol?"

His son thought about it for a second and says "well if I drink bourbon I won&#


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A thief meets with a rascal....

The thief tells him: "I'll teach you how to steal if you teach me the art of being a rascal"

Both agreed, so the thief broke into a house and stole a TV then told the scoundrel: "now for your part of the deal"

The rascal said: "you sure you wanna know how to become a rascal?"

"yeah"

"Well the pol


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Traffic lights teach us that if you see a green man, you should start crossing the road.

So that's how I avoid environmentalists.

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I did't start this Dojo to teach kids discipline.

I started this Dojo so people would pay me to fight their children.

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Have you seen the documentary where they teach orphans how to combine fractions and create integers?

So wholesum.

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Three freshmen meet for the first time in a college dorm....

and introduce themselves, mostly trying to impress one another.

The first one says, "My family has been in America for more than 200 years. My father is C.E.O of the biggest bank in New York and he gave me a BMW to drive around the campus."

The second one says, "That's nice."

The third one says, "My father is one of the biggest


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They say never to go grocery shopping when youre hungry.

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If I had a parrot, Id teach him two or three pirate jokes and he would just repeat them over and over again, week after week the same jokes. Every time people would be mesmerized.

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Give a man a fish and feed him for a day, but teach a man to fish...

And lose your leverage

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Why cant they teach drivers ed and sex ed on the same day in Mexico?

They had to give the donkey a break at some point

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Horse, Chicken, Cow

So there is this horse, he is watching TV and sees this really awesome band. He really zeroes in on the lead guitarist. He wants to learn so bad. So he calls the local music instructor and asks if he can teach him to play the guitar. So after a few months, the horse plays exactly like his favorite guitarist.

He invites chicken over, and plays for chicken. He then shows him the ba


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I love gin.

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What do math and history have in common?

They both teach people about inequalities.

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My dad once caught me smoking a Camel. He got so mad, he made me smoke the whole pack...

...just to teach me about brand loyalty.

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What did the cat say to the paper shredder?

Teach my your ways!

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My wife and I have been together for 69 years

Still when we are intimate, I have to teach her proper gum control.

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Teach a man to fish

and you feed him for life.

Give a man to fish and you'll get thrown in jail for murder.

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At the grocery store a lady approaches a man and says, "Hey, I think you're the father of one of my kids." He said, "Are you the stripper from that bachelor party that I made passionate love to while my mates sprayed whipped cream all over our butts and I never told my wife?"

"No, I teach your son in my 4th grade class."

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Give a man a fish, and his family will have a meal for the evening...

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In he's feat with Anitta, "Poquito", Swae Lee says "Pourin' up 'til we in wheelchairs"...

...someone should teach this guy about safe driving.

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Why do Driving Instructors make good Physical Therapists?

Because they can teach fine motor skills

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A priest is asked to teach a sex Ed class to a bunch of 5th graders.

Priest: hello children, welcome to sex Ed, where I will be teaching you about sex. First off, can I have a volunteer to help me with a demonstration?

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If I had a dollar for every school that didnt teach taxes...

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What do you call a tutor that only tutors women?

A Teach-Her

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You give a man pea soup

and he'll eat for a day. But you TEACH a man to pee soup...

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Kid roasted his Pre-k teacher.

Tommy went to Pre school and his teacher handed out a coloring paper with a duck holding a umbrella. Tommy colors the duck blue. When the Teacher was collecting the papers from the student she notices that tommy colored his duck blue. So the teach goes up and says to him:

Teacher: “Tommy, have you ever saw a blue Duck?”
Tommy: “Yes, The same amount of times as


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To teach me how to swim my dad rowed me out to the middle of a lake and threw me in.

The swimming was easy, it was the burlap sack that gave me a hard time.

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How did the Polish mother teach her son to put on his underwear?

Yellow in the front, brown in the back.

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Make the little things count

Teach midgets math

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Give a man a fish, and he will eat for a day.

Give a man a fish, and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

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Teach a man to fish, and you feed him for a lifetime...

... Give a man a pen, and he'll draw a penis

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As teacher, I think its important to make the little things count...

so i excusivly teach maths to midgets

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Can't afford an abortion? We have the solution for you!

To make your abortion cheaper, what we do is that we let you do it yourself! We teach you how to perform the procedure! Note: due to a ton of customers, we will have to delay it for roughly 8 or 9 months for you to get your private lessons, then you can do it.

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Two Whales

A male and a female whale were swimming along the coast of Japan and noticed a whaling ship not too far from them.

The male whale gets angry at the sight of the ship because his father was killed by whalers a few years ago. He decides that he wants payback. He turns to the female whale and asks her, "Hey, you know how these whalers keep murdering our friends and family right?&


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What martial art do they teach pencil ninjas?

Taekwonderoga

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How do you teach a blonde math?

Subtract her clothes, divide her legs, and square root her.

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Another 1

Date: I like to live life on the edge
Me:*trying to impress her* I put my foot infront of the yellow line at train stations.
Date: *cleary impressed and distracted by my edgy lifestyle *
Me: *kicks her chair lightly*
Date: *falls of chair* that's so hot, but why did you kick my of my chair?
Me: to teach you a lesson on why you should never live your life on the


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Tell a man a joke and he'll laugh for a moment...

Teach a man to joke and he'll become a dad.

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I tried to teach my dog to heel.

But it just kept bringing me shoes.

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Mom tries to teach her daughter about Sex .

A girl just turned 16 and she's a cutie . So her mother is worried for her that she might get pregnant or other sexual mistakes . So she decides to talk to her daughter about Sex and Men . But she is a little nervous as most parents are . Anyways she knocks in her door and goes to sit in her bed besides her daughter .

And she says nervously , " Now that you're sixteen ,


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An elementary school teacher took her kids outside to teach math...

Each kid got onto the playground and waited their turn for the slide, the teacher prompting a question each time a child went. "What is the square root of 144 Timmy?" Timmy pondered for a while before going down the slide, coming down, and happily hopping off with a smile on his face. "The answer is 12 Ms. Johnson!" She would asked the other kids complex multiplication, exponen


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English teacher replaced somebody

What does an English teacher first teach when the Earth Sciences teacher resigned?

Geologic time *periods*.

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Guy goes to the doctors, Doctor says sorry you have got "AIDS" guy says is there anything I can do? Doc says eat the strongest hottest curry there is for 2 weeks. Guy says will this cure it.

Doctor replied,

No but it will teach you what your ass-hole is for.

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Is this Chad? May I speak with you regarding one of my kids?

Chad: Oh. Is this Jenny?

No

Chad: Lucy?

No

Chad: Gemma?

Sir, I teach your kid. He's been absent the past few days.

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God's Punishment

There lived a rabbi who was an avid golfer and played the game at every opportunity. He was so addicted to the game that he would get withdrawal symptoms if he didn't play. One day the rabbi thought to himself, "What's it going to hurt if I go out during the recess and play a few rounds. Nobody will know, and I'll be back in time for services."

Sure enough, at


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In grade school, I had a math teacher named Mrs. Baker...

To this day, I do not understand why she tried to teach us that 6 + 6 equals 13.

^(inspired ^by ^Mitch ^Hedberg)

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Dating techniques

One afternoon, Schmitt met up with his ex-colleague for a cup of tea. Schmitt had been single since the day he was born, so it was to his frustration when his previous lab partner, Martin, was no longer single. After another subtle round of boasting (or so Schmitt thought), Schmitt decided to ask for help.

“Come to think of it,” said Schmitt, “your dating techniques


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