Swear

Jokes

Today, a vegan woman approached me...

...she claimed we knew each other, but I swear I've never met herbivore!

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To the fucking idiot who stole my shit

I will find you, I swear.

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If you listen closely you can hear the polite squirrel swear

"Aww nuts!"


(its name is probably Carl)

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Why'd the chicken cross the road?

How did the chicken cross the road?!

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WHO IS THE CHICKEN?!?!

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I swear I'll get to the bottom of this cluckspiracy!

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I didnt do it!

It had been a long day in court & Larry was trying to get George to confess.
Larry: Admit it! You followed her home. Then, as she turned a corner, you stabbed her.

George: i didn't do it. I'm innocent.

Larry: Don't lie to me. Prints of your shoes were found in her garden.

George: I'm telling you i didn't do it! I've


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I was onboard a flight when a stewardess announced The pilot is having a heart attack! Does anyone know how to fly this plane?

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Husband(After 50 years of marriage):I want to know that you are loyal to me. ...

Husband(After 50 years of marriage):I want to know that you are loyal to me. Am I the only you slept with?

Wife: Darling, I swear, you are the only one I slept with. Other people never let me sleep.

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What happens when you throw a potato in British fire?

They burn into a crisp.

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A.N: You have probably heard this before. I swear I am not copying anybody.

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Walked past a person with down syndrome earlier today.

I swear I've seen that face before.

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The Lying Game

This is less a joke and more a way to make some dingus you know look silly. Sorry if it doesn't belong here.

Joker: Have you ever played the lying game?

Dingus: No. What is it?

Joker: Oh, it's simple. I ask you five questions and all you have to do is answer with a lie to each one. If you tell the truth, you lose. You wanna play?

Dingus


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This sub seems familiar...

I swear i've reddit before.

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Mixed races make me sick

I swear, that labradoodle doesn't taste like noodle...

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Need Jokes fast...

I need as many dead puppy jokes as possible... it's for a friend... I swear.

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My parents say "please excuse my French." before they swear.

When the teacher asked me what French I knew on the first day of school, she didn't like my answer.

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Which flowers swear?

Hibiscusses.

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You must work in a hotel...

Cause I could swear you were just checking me out!

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"Go make me a sandwich" I told the girl in front of me, and an angry feminist mob came and beat me up

I swear it, that's the last time I go to a Subway

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I will NEVER EVER set a foot in this office again unless boss takes his words back, I swear!

This morning he said, "You are fired."

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My friend made a vow that he would never swear.

But then one day he said fuck it.

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She doesn't believe me.

I told my girlfriend earth is flat.
She didn't believe me,Told me to swear on Noah's ark.

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I don't drink, smoke nor swear and I alwa....

Oh god fucking dammit, my cigarette fell into my beer

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What are some of the funniest swear word's you or someone else have said or heard?

For example thundercunt, fucktrumpet, or cumbubbles.

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Two tightropes are side by side.

One is made of polyester, the other nylon.

The tightrope walker makes it across the polyester rope with no trouble, but on her way back across the nylon line, the rope gives a little too much, and she falls to the net.

The polyester rope looks over in disappointment. "That was a disgraceful performance! Once the pressure hit, you just instantly bowed to it! Did you


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The other day, I posted a meaningful phrase on roriginalquotes

It was very well-received, but a comment bugged me bad. It says "The OP is very creative".

I swear I didn't plagiarize from any poster.

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If you have a secret, and you said "I swear, I'll never tell a soul" ...

You can rest easy... And just find you a ginger friend.

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Judge: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth?

Me: No.

Judge: *(Covers mic)* What do I do?

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Husband is on his deathbed...

A husband and wife have four sons. The oldest three are tall with red hair and light skin while the youngest son is short with black hair and dark eyes.
The father was on his deathbed when he turned to his wife and said, "Honey, before I die, be totally honest with me: Is our youngest son my child?"
The wife replied, "I swear on everything that's holy that he is you


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I'm not sexist i swear.

Why don't wemen need a watch?



Because they already have pne on the oven.

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All of my posts consistently get too hot. Honestly on fire would better describe them.

Like I don't even try it just happens! But I swear if it happens to me one more time someone else better start trying to fence off this damn volcano.

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Im not dyslexic

I swear to dog

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Im finally coming out of the closet

It’s been 25 minutes. My little brother sucks at hide and seek

I swear if he’s playing Fortnite right now.

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So my girlfriend got a new dog

That fuckin' creature bit me and I had to run to ER because it wasn't vaccinated. Unfortunately, when I defended myself I accidentally killed it. I swear I was just trying to keep it away from me..

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>!Who's gonna take care of her dog now?!<

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Why do people who commit incest not swear

cause they kiss there mother with that mouth

Sorry for any errors

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How do you count the number of times you have given a Fuck?

Get a swear jar

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So a priest is walking across the market and he hears a fisher yellDAMN FISH GET YOUR DAMN FISH so the priest walks up to the fisher and says you cant just swear like that youll make god angry on which the fisher replies this is an misunderstanding these fish were caught at the dam theyre

Dam fish” The priests understands what the fisher means and buys 2 dam fish when he comes home the priest asks his wife “can you cook these dam fish for supper tomorrow”on which the wife replies surprised”dear you’re a priest you can’t just swear like that” on which the priest explains the situation. The wife understands and cooks the fish. The next day th


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The 4 year old and the 7 year old

There was two brothers. One was 4 and one was 7. One night the older brother said to the younger one "I believe that we are old enough to swear now. In The morning we will both say a swear word to mum. Ill go first then you do it." The little brother agreed to this.

The next morning the mom asked the 7 year-old what he wanted for breakfast. He said " I'll just have


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"And I swear that I don't have a gun" - Kirk Cobain (Come As You Are)

He did in fact, have a gun

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Whats the name of a Mexican farm worker who has a ring of keys? (Not racist I swear)

Cesar Llaves

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Wanna hear a great joke about the African country Uganda?

I swear Uganda like it

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My wife approached me and started to do this odd thing with a drinking straw

I swear, sometimes she treats me like I'm completely imbibible.

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Instead of a swear jar, I have a negativity jar. Every time I have pessimistic thoughts, I put a dollar in...



It’s currently half empty...

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According to West Virginia law, if you swear in public youre liable to pay $1 to a swear jar...

...fuck.

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Joined the Tourettes Society today ...

It only took a minute to swear me in

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Did you know that birds swear the most of any animal

They have fowl language

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Suicide Jokes are never funny.

I swear to god I'm gonna shoot myself if I see another one hit the front page.

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I wont give you sex so you never text me

I swear, girls are only interested in one thing

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I swear, Ill castrate you!!

“Do it, you won’t. No balls bro.”

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Why do Christian women cheat on their husbands?

Because Mother Mary is their inspiration.

('Oh Joseph, holy spirit knocked me up. I swear honey, it was not another man's semen!!!'

'Sure darling. I totally trust you.')

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I don't smoke, drink or swear.

Wait, my fucking cigarette fell in the whisky.

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My autocorrect is finally suggesting swear words.

However, now I have to be careful when I'm actually talking to my mom about ducks.

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