Suicidal

Jokes

What did the suicidal depressive say to the arsonist?

Go on then, enlighten me.

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Why does the suicidal and mentally disabled guy have holes in his mirror?

He kept trying to shoot him self

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What do you call a suicidal, hypochondriac?

Disappointed

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Dude, your girl left with another man.

Good.

What?

She's an emo suicidal mess. Now she'll try to hand him the death knife. She was a burden.

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I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs, my savings, my pension, the high cost of housing...

... so I called the Suicide Hotline. I got a call center in the Mid East and when I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck.

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What do you call a connected person in prison?

Suicidal

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Why did the suicidal chicken cross the road?

To get to the Other Side.

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Did you hear about the suicidal homeopath?

He took 1/50 of the recommended dose.

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A French man loses his favorite olive oil, and becomes suicidal...

I've lost my huile d'olive!

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Why did the chicken cross the road?

Now, the classic answer is "to get to the other side". This will amuse and also baffle most young people because it's a dumb joke. Of course it is crossing to get to the other side....but...what you don't appreciate at a younger age is that this is a dark joke and the chicken was (and may still be) suicidal.


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I told my therapist I was suicidal.

She told me to stop by the receptionist's desk immediately after my appointment to make sure my bill was completely paid off.

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I'm so done with my suicidal cannibal friend

He's so full of himself

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What did the psychiatrist say when i told him ive got suicidal thoughts?

Next time youll have to pay in advance

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I hate suicidal cannibals

Their so full of themselves

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There was an asteroid impact event in the neighborhood town. I went to see the spectacle.

I saw a glowing green celestial stone inside the impact crater. As I was moving towards it, I became all gloomy and suicidal that's when I heard a man shouting

"Mate! You are in a depression"

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Managed to talk a suicidal man down from a window ledge

By shouting

“JUMP!”

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What does a suicidal person say to greet their suicidal friend?

“How’s it hanging?”

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My suicidal friend wanted to become a pilot.

I pushed him off a bridge to have a flying start on his dreams.

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Why did the suicidal chicken cross the road?

To not get to the other side

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Why did the suicidal chicken cross the road?

To not get to the other side

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My suicidal friend wanted to hangout, but instead did something that brightened my day up

So instead hanging himself, he set himself on fire.

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I told my friend that I was feeling suicidal. He told me to talk to the mental health clinic for help

They seemed totally against the idea, I guess I’ll do it myself!

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My suicidal friend did what he always wanted to do and it brightened my day up.

He set himself on fire.

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Suicidal Butter

There once was a suicidal piece of butter. All that butter wanted to do was die, much to the chargin of the other pieces, who wanted the butter to stop. The butter piece finally decided that it was time to die. So, the butter went and jumped on a piece of toast. The rest of the butters were yelling at him to stop, and some were even crying (Except Jimmy, Jimmy wanted to see him do a flip.), but no


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What happened to the suicidal guy who wanted a high five?

he was left hanging.

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What did the curtains ask the suicidal man?

Wanna hang later?

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What does a suicidal person say after a good joke?

Dude, I'm dying laughing over here, please *don't* stop!

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I told my psychiatrist I got suicidal tendencies

He said from now on I have to pay in advance.

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I dont like to make fun of Hitler

I don’t think joking about suicidal people is funny

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A policeman and a duck walk into a bar

A policeman and a duck walk into a bar. "Give the duck anything he wants", says the policeman. The bartender says, "we don't usually serve ducks, but since he's with you, sure. What'll you have, duck?"

"I've tried drinking and it doesn't help. Just kill me."

The bartender asks the cop, "What's his problem?&


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LAST WEEK I TOLD MY PSYCHIATRIST I HAD SUICIDAL TENDENCIES.

He then replied "well starting from now you need to pay in advance"

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LAST WEEK I TOLD MY PSYCHIATRIST I HAD SUICIDAL TENDENCIES.

He then replied "well starting from now you need to pay in advance"

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A suicidal electrician came to my house.

I told him he really needs to change his outlet on life.

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Why did the chicken cross the road?



To get to the other side.

As in the afterlife.

Because the chicken was suicidal.

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Two men are watching the news

Two men are watching the news, when they start talking about a suicidal woman on top of a building, about to jump.

One of the men tells the other.

"I bet you 50 dollars she won't jump."

The other man thinks for a second, then accepts the bet.

But, the suicidal woman on the news eventually does jump. So the man starts looking for hi


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Went to my therapist last week and informed him I had suicidal tendencies....

He told me I needed to start paying in advance.

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What do you call a manic-depressive math professor with suicidal tendencies?

Sinusoidal.

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I finally told my therapist I was having suicidal thoughts

He said I have to start paying in advance

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What did the suicidal dyslexic say to their therapist?

“I want to shit myself.”

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What's the difference between astronauts and people with suicidal tendencies?

Their interpretations of the phrase, "good bye world".

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I suffer from severe procrastination. The effects of which has caused me to spiral into suicidal depression.

The good ^^^^or ^^^^bad thing about it is that I seem to never quite get around to killing myself.









^^P.S. ^^^^I ^^^^am ^^^^a ^^^^procrastinator, ^^^^and ^^^^possibly ^^^^depressed. ^^^^I ^^^^am ^^^^not, ^^^^however, ^^^^suicidal! ^^^^The ^^^^post ^^^^is ^^^^only ^^^^intended ^^^^as ^^^^a ^^^^joke.


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Whats one thing you should never say to someone suicidal?

Hang in there.

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What was the suicidal Catholic gay guy doing?

Hanging in the closet.

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Instant Cure

I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs, my savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc., I called the Suicide Lifeline.
I got a call center in Pakistan , and when I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck.

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What are bath bombs for suicidal people?

Toasters!

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If I am killed by a disease that gets named after me, add this to my eulogy:

He wasn't suicidal but...

his body was

his kidneys went out in a murder-suicide!



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What were the suicidal cowboy with dysentery last words?

I'm going to die-a-YEE HAW!

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What do gay and suicidal people have in common?

They’re both in the closet.

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What do you call a suicidal male porn star?

Hung.

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Why did the suicidal guy cross the road?

To get to the other side.

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