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Jokes

Studies suggest that approximately 90 of the world's population is right-handed.

On the other hand, 10% of the world's population is left-handed.

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Today's reports suggest Epstein killed himself

Talk about fake noose

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What did Zelda suggest to Link when diplomacy didn't work?

Try-force

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Recent studies suggest that masturbating 2x a week increases life expectancy by 20.

I’ve done the math.

Be jealous bitches. I’m immortal.

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Studies suggest that

Studies suggest that 90% of sentences beginning with “studies suggest that” are actually not true.

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Whenever I receive a nude picture, as a respectful gentleman I suggest that they cover up and show themselves some self respect

Go ahead, ladies, send me a nude and see what I say.

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Whenever I am offered a nude picture, as a respectful gentleman I reject the offer and suggest that they cover up

Go ahead, send me a nude and see what I say.

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Sometimes Ill just start singing at the bar, People say Ive got a drinking problem...

Only to be RUDELY interrupted by some presumptuous l’il shite who thinks he knows me, knows where I’ve been and where I’ve come from.

Having the gall to suggest that I’ve got no problem drinking at all, or something to that effect.

So I’m really starting to think all my friends are in low places, I really do.


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An elite task force is sneaking through sewage pipes

Their leader stop his team and begins to explain their mission.

Leader: “Okay men, some of you may know what dangers we are about to face, about 2 miles down we will reach an opening to a hideout with some of the worlds most dangerous assassins”

Corporal: “It’s okay sir, we’ve been training for this moment for years!”

L: &l


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BREAKING NEWS - a prince died...

...all alone in a hotel room. Evidence suggest he had tried for 18 years to find someone to transfer his funds out of Saudi Arabia.

He was even willing to give them 20% of the share.

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Nursery Rhymes are outdated

Nursery Rhymes have not changed with the times. Take for example, the popular English rhyme, London Bridge is Falling Down", it is so old, most people can't relate to it. We should modernize these rhymes as a way to keep an important tradition alive. I suggest the following:

Notre Dame is burning down,
Burning down, burning down.
Notre Dam is burning down,


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Why do gastroenterologists suggest their patients with constipation eat mousseline?

It keeps the trains running on time.

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Can anyone suggest a joke where ltsilencegt is the punch? I have one...

People accuse me of not finishing my sentences. To those people I say...

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My doctor said i have an auto-immune disease.

So can anybody suggest a good manual car?

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Can't believe Corbyn is now in charge of Brexit...

How a man who has decided to sit with the most despicable and dangerous groups of people is allowed to do anything regarding the future of the UK is a disgrace. Some people may try to argue he has precedence, but I would suggest dealing with the IRA or Hezbollah is nothing compared to the current Tory party.


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One of my friends from Beijing is a big fan of Taylor Swift ..

He asked me to suggest some good album of her .

So I told him to try TS 1989 .

I haven't heard from him ever since .

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Could you guys suggest a good deodorant for my stinking wife?

It's only been 4 days since I've cut up the slob but the smell is becoming unbearable now.

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When I find out people are into weird stuff like bdsm

I suggest they read some serious criticism of the bdsm subculture and how it glosses over abuse. Because some of those blogs are kind of hot but the average perv might not think to check them out.

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Two old friends in their 80s are sitting in public park on beautiful Saturday afternoon...

They see a food truck parked nearby.
-“Would you like some ice cream? Just like when we were kids.”
-“Of course! My treat. What flavors would you like?”
-“I’ll have chocolate & vanilla. Thank you”
-“and I’ll take my childhood favorite: strawberry & pistachio!”
-“But listen, the doctor sa


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Girl: Guys please suggest some english language movie?

Guy: Genre?

Girl: Thanks!! I will watch it today.

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My roommate went and got her hair done yesterday...

When she came home she immediately starts telling me how bad the hairdresser messed up. Dead hair, something was on for too long, blah blah blah. Well, she was really upset about it and kept bringing it up. So she says, "It's really a bummer because I spent so much money on something that I don't even like." So I said to her pretty seriously, "Well, then why don't you


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Since the success of The Rock, fans suggest more wrestlers should participate in acting.

They are. It's called wrestling.

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If Donald Trump really wants to get his wall and slow down illegal immigration

I suggest a rock climbing one

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I was walking through a rough area when somebody threw a dirty nappy out of a bedroom window.

It landed by my feet, splattering my shoes. I looked up and there was a woman staring at me by the window with a cigarette in her mouth and her hair all over the place.

"Have you ever heard of a bin?" I shouted.

"Oops," she replied sarcastically. "Is that where nappies should go?"

I said, "Yes, and suggest you throw yourself


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A Submarine Captain is walking down the street...

... when he sees a Buddhist monk fixing a fence.

"Hey mister, I'm having some trouble running my submarine. None of my crew like me. You're a wise man, what would you suggest?" asked the Captain.

"Make sure to switch everybody's positions very often" said the monk.

"Why?" said the Captain.

The monk r


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What kind of water wouldn't and australian suggest you drink before a fight?

Stale mate

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How do you start a rave in Ethiopia?

Duct tape a piece of bread to the ceiling.

Edit: I in no way intended to suggest that Ethiopians have ceilings. Apologies.

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A flock of crows flew beak-first into window at horrifying speeds.

Experts suggest it was a murder suicide.

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Patient: Doctor, my body hurts in so many places

Doctor: Well, I suggest you stop going to those places

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A Radio talkshow have a competition for a new word....

As the show goes on there’s a few entries but nothing decent until a man called John dials in with his suggestion
Presenter : Hi John let’s hear what your suggestion is
John : My word is Goan
Presenter : Okay John can you use it in a sentence
John : Goan fuck your self
- Presenter cuts the line and apologises -
A few minutes later John dials back in


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Doctor, I've noticed I'm losing my memory. I'm having a hard time remembering things. Would would you suggest?

Well, the first thing is to pay my bill then.

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Irony of Indian law system



I have two questions for the lawmakers of our country:

1. If the legal age of a Man to get Sexually active is 18 years and the legal age for him to get married is 21... then what are we actually suggesting he should do these 3 years?

2. Now if the legal age for a Man to get married is 21 years and the legal age for him to start drinking is 25 years... then h


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Studies now suggest that trees live longer when they are not cut down.

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AIDS or Alzheimers

A man noticed his wife wasn't quite the same as she used to be. So he takes her to the doctor. The doctor does a bunch of tests. He calls the man into the office. He says, "Well, I've narrowed it down to two things. It's either Aids or Alzheimers." The man says, "Oh, My God!!!! What am I going to do? How do I know which one she has?" "Well," says the do


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It always makes me smile when people suggest switching to the metric system.

Or should it rather make me skilometer?

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What hymn did the snarky gamer suggest for Sunday mass?

The Halo: Combat Evolved theme song.


Everyone rejoiced.

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What would you suggest to Facebook to do to Twitter in the bedroom?

Flicker

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In 20 years, computers will be over 10,000 times more powerful than they are now

In fact, some researchers suggest they may even be able to run Windows 10 without crashing.

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A second opinion

Doctor: Your test results came back, I'm afraid you do have cancer. I suggest we treat you with chemotherapy as soon as possible.

Patient: Hmm I don't know.... I'd like a second opinion.

Doctor: Okay. You are also ugly.

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They say you should drink apple juice in the morning.

Studies suggest OJ will kill you.

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This is for the long jokes.

To keep the long joke reading to an eye rolling, troll subverting minimum, I suggest: STTE

SKIP TO THE END

I read the majority of long jokes this way. You all now have two cents.

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Penises are an important part of human culture and anatomy and must be honoured

I suggest we erect a statue

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The population of the Earth has more than doubled since 1950.

Might I suggest we all eat less food?

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How did the woman react when the doctor suggest she have a brain biopsy?

She gave him a piece of her mind.

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"Your retardation is disadvantageous. I suggest you all vamoose with great impunity."

-Thesaurus Rex

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Patient: Doctor help me please, every time I drink a cup of coffee I get this intense stinging in my eye.

Doctor: I suggest you remove the spoon before drinking.

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Recently my wife wanted to name our daughter, but she's bad at it so I need someone to suggest a name.

Like, Miss Carriage, what kind of name is that?

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Patient: Doctor help me please, every time I drink a cup of coffee I get this intense stinging in my eye.

Doctor: I suggest you remove the spoon before drinking.

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AIDS or Alzheimers?

A man noticed his wife wasn't quite the same as she used to be. So he takes her to the doctor. The doctor does a bunch of tests. He calls the man into the office.

He says, "Well, I've narrowed it down to two things. It's either Aids or Alzheimers."

The man says, "Oh, My God!!!! What am I going to do? How do I know which one she has?&quo


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A friend once told me...

There's this article on tumblr that i suggest you read. Its about the elections!
I politely refused and said:"no thank you, i already reddit."


Please forgive me.

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