Substance

Jokes

In one far away planet...

There is a substance called ‘nue’. Once something falls in it, it can’t get out and will sink and suffocate. There was once a woman who owned a cat, and one day she insulted someone- but she didn’t know they were a super villain. So, the villain, being a villain, took her to his secret base, stole her cat and threw it in nue. As the girl screamed, the villain laughed and sa


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I hate jokes about ghosts.

They have no substance.

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Did you know that banana peel is supposed to be put under the controlled substance act?

It can give you bad trips.

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New research shows that Hitler had a substance abuse problem.

Apparently he liked to sniff marker pens.

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Is your substance too thick?

*Gives a more watered down version*

"I've got the perfect solution"

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A suspicious white substance was found today at Arizona Cardinals practice

Police concluded that the substance in question was actually the goal line, and we shouldn’t have to worry about any further scares this season.

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How many substance abuse counselors does it take to change a lightbulb?

One, but the lightbulb has to want to change.

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Dont buy Colgate whitening substance.

It guarantees whiteness within 14 days. It was been 2 weeks and I am still asian...

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I hate ghosts about jokes.

They have no substance.

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My dad explained to me how Steve Irwin was the perfect example of how sun screen is actually a terrible chemical substance and not to be used.

“It may have kept his skin from burning, but it didn’t do shit against harmful rays.”

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When Spiderman shoots a sticky substance all over someone he's "amazing"...

But when I do it I'm a pervert.

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What's the difference between an anti-vaxxer and a barrel of radioactive waste?

Nothing. They should both be locked up and labelled "dangerous substance"

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I came across a seabird covered in a sticky substance

So I asked him, “Hey bird, what happened to ya?”

That asshole just turns to me and says, “Why don’t you goo gull it?”

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I came across a seabird covered in a sticky substance

So I asked him, “Hey bird, what happened to ya?”

That asshole just turns to me and says, “Why don’t you goo gull it?”

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Want to hear a joke about vegans?

.....

Sorry there's not alot of substance to it.

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I am proud to call myself a true man of substance.

Cocaine, meth, heroin, you name it.

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During a science exam, a student gets the following question:

"A scientist is trying to identify, he has 1 mole of this substance and 235 grams of this substance. What does he have?"

The student answers : "He has a third arm"

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Which illegal substance does the universe take?

Asteroids.

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Sin City was a nickname given to Las Vegas because of all of its shenanigans, but do you know about Den City?

It's the degree of compactness of a substance.

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So when Spiderman produces a white sticky substance it's "cool"

Why is it whenever I produce a white sticky substance I'm considered a "massive pervert"?

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What substance is just as effective against crime stoppers as it is against criminals?

Criptonite.

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What thing is around 6 inches long, you put it in and out your mouth repeatedly and wait for a white substance to come out?

Toothbrush.

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Browns Anthrax Scare

Cleveland, OH Monday, September 3, 2018 – Anthrax Scare At FirstEnergy Stadium

Cleveland Browns football practice was delayed nearly two hours today after a player reported finding an unknown white powdery substance on the practice field.

Coach Hue Jackson immediately suspended practice while police and federal investigators were called to investigate.


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Sherlock Holmes: "Watson, what is this greenish substance found near the victim?"

Watson, knows it's a booger but is having a brain fart:

"Nose shit, Sherlock"

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What is the most abused substance in the water industry?

Plumber's crack.

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You hear about the molecule that beat his wife?

I heard it was substance abuse

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What's it called when a substance goes directly from solid to gas?

Premature evaporation

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My girlfriend bought me a Chemistry-related t-shirt that says, "I Like To Experiment" on the front.

So I bought one for her.

"Toxic Substance".

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What is fat, has no brain, and coated in an orange substance?

a Cheeto puff

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Eating yogurt helps me keep in touch with my feminine side.

You never know when or if a creamy substance will shoot at you.

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Giuliani says porn stars are not "women of substance." That can easily be disproven.

I mean, **your mom** is all the evidence we need.

\-\-\-

*it's just a stupid joke. I'm sure your mom is a lovely woman.*

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What do you call a substance which fails to reduce friction

lubrican't

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What is long and hard that I shake every morning to obtain a white substance?

My shaving foam can you perv.

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In the year 2030,

In the year 2030, space travel was expanding more than ever, and life science was seeing new revolutions every few weeks. Inventions in robotics and engineering were being created almost daily. But this new world came with a downside, the amount of harsh chemicals in the air were causing cancer to develop in people around the world many times more often than it usually does. A cure for cancer was


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The driver of a huge trailer lost control of his rig

and ploughed into an empty toll booth, smashing it to pieces. Some time after the driver had reported the damage, he watched as a repair truck pulled up and discharged a crew of workers. They picked up each broken piece of the wreckage and spread a creamy substance on it. Then they began fitting the pieces together. In less than a half hour, they had the entire tollbooth reconstructed and looking


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It's ok to be white. It's ok to black. It's ok to be brown. It is not okay to be yellow...

... You are likely suffering from Jaundice, which is a yellowing of the skin and the whites of the eyes. It's caused by a build-up of a substance called bilirubin in the blood and body's tissues. Seek medical attention as soon as possible.

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Rio 2016: China's bronze medalist in 50m air pistol has been caught taking an illegal substance

[deleted]

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HAHAHAHa Naughty Girl

Boy:what is that u keep in ur mouth

which is 6" long

and move it in and out

and wait for a white substance to come out?


Girl: y do u ask such question to me.

i cant tell such words


Boy:dont worry its tooth brush

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Why is water the only substance that expands when it freezes?

It wants to be a special snowflake.

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A Bilingual mexican dad was getting ready for work...

...and saw his son eating some cereal, but instead of milk there was a strange milk-like substance that smelled funny.

Dad: "what've you got there, son?"

Son: "cereal with soy milk."

Dad: "Hola Milk, soy tu padre!"

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What did the neutral substance say when its pH was suddenly lowered by another substance?

A-ceed what you did there!

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Maria Sharapova.

True woman of substance.

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There's a sport where Vitamin D is seen as a banned substance.

[deleted]

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I run a nonprofit organization that helps keep homeless substance abusers warm during harsh winters.

It's called Snuggies for Druggies

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The substance was mildly acidic on the pH scale

It was a solid 5/7

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I found a substance that works like catnip, except only for Chinese bears

I'd release it, but that would cause pandamoanium.

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"I am a substance that causes an immune system to produce antibodies against me."

[deleted]

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What did the Chemistry teacher announce to his class?

"I have a substance problem."

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After years of research scientists have discovered a substance that kill sex drive...

Wedding Cake

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Tom and John are walking in Central Park.

"Look, Tom, what's lying on the path?"

"Something brown. Do you think it may be chocolate?"

"No idea, let me check."

John dips finger in the substance and tastes it.

"No, Tom, that's no chocolate, that's poop. Good that we did not step on it."


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