Stress

Jokes

To who ever stole my stress ball

I WILL SLASH YOUR THROAT!

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My doctor has a great stress test.

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So this guy goes to the doctor...

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I'm crew on the new show, and the stress made me lose it. Then I hit Patrick Stewart.

Been working so hard. I'm punching Picard. Eight hours, for what?

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It makes me feel good

A man named Peter Venkman had recently become addicted to masturbation, and decided to get some help. When the therapist asked him why he turned to masturbation to deal with stress, he replied 'Busting makes me feel good!'

I really hope this isn't a repost.

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It makes me feel good

A man named Peter venkman had become a chronic masturbater, and decided to seek help to get rid of his problem. When his therapist asked him why he turned to masturbation so much when dealing with stress, he replied 'Busting makes me feel good!'

I really hope this isn't a repost. I just came up with it


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In the zoo, my son asked me why the monkeys were throwing their poo at one another.

"It's a way to release stress," I told him.

The next day he got sent home from school.

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I just bought a book about combatting stress-eating.

It was delicious.

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My doctor suggested yoga to reduce stress.

I told her that sounded like a stretch.

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A family of three was having dinner one night

Son: Ehem... I think it's time we address the elephant in the room.


Dad: Sure son; honey, I love your hair today.


Son: No, Dad; can I be frank?


Dad: Sure, Frank, would you like it to be legal or like a nickname?


Son: Dad, we know you have a mistress!


Dad: No, Frank, I have real stress; it'


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I cant stress this enough

[deleted]

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A man goes in to see the doctor

He says, “Doctor, you have to help. The stress is getting to me. I’m a teepee, I’m a wigwam, I’m a teepee, I’m a wigwam, I’m a teepee, I’m a wigwam, I’m a teepee, I’m a wigwam.”

The doctor interrupts him and says, “Relax man, you’re two tents.”


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My doctor told me to start killing people

Well, his exact words were "you need to start eliminating the stress in your life".

Whatever, same thing.

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They say having sex reduces stress levels. I call BS.

I had sex last week and the cops have been after me ever since!

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Apparently it is believed that those who were executed by crucifixion died with a erection due to the stress the body went through.

Just imagine all his followers watching Jesus die with a raging boner.

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How to avoid stress at work

1. Don’t go to work.

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What is an antisemetics favourite star?

Betelgeuse

(Note this joke works better verbally because you can stress it to sound as much like “beat all jews” as possible)

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Down boy! Relax!

Heel and be still Dog. Feel free to lay down somewheres and stop trying to stress me out right now. Thank you.

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What kind of Topography should you read when your stress levels are raised?

Relief maps

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They say triangles are one of the sturdiest shapes and are able to support huge amounts of stress.

I guess that explains why yo' mamma always wears platform heels.

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I have a condition where I start masturbating whenever I'm put under stress

Apparently I should have disclosed that disability *before* I got hired

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My doctor said I needed more consistency Im my life to help manage stress.

So I became a YouTuber.

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A recent study shows that masturbation is twice as effective as sex when it comes to stress relief.

One in hand is worth two in the bush.

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Bad puns only increase stress

It’s a shame, I’d like to feel a little karma

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TIL about a bear that was moved to a zoo because he went bald from stress.

I told my wife about this and she asked what a bear could be so stressed about.

Current events, I replied.

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Did you hear about the man who relieved his stress almost instantly?

He’s dead

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Have you heard about the germaphobic prostitute?



Dead. Stress-induced stroke

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What do you say about someone holding a poo emoji stress ball?

Somebody who knows how to handle their shit.

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Been goin through a lot shit lately, but I shouldnt stress it.

Life as toilet paper is too short.

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Doc, you gotta help me. I'm under a lot of stress. I keep losing my temper with people.

Doctor: “Tell me about your problem.”

Patient: “I just did, you fucking retard!”

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Who helps me most when I need to relieve stress?

My right hand, man.

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In a night club a guy sees a girl he likes.

The guy starts dancing closer to her but nothing happens .

After a while ,he sees the girl leaving to the ladies room .He follows her in the hope you can get a word with her ,as its loud and dark in the club .

Nervously ,he starts waiting for the girl by the ladies room .

He starts thinking of all the pick up lines he knows ,then he thinks of all the scenari


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What do you call a city bus that helps reduce stress from metal?

Annealing Bus

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What do you call a city bus that helps reduce stress from metal?

Annealing Bus

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Bro how do you manage your stress

Bob: Mike, I've a personal question. How do you manage the stress that comes with this work.

Mike: Bob that's very simple. When I reach home, I take my wife to a nice fine dining. I get her a nice bottle of wine, good food and amazing dessert. After that, my wife gives me so much pleasure in the bed, which takes the stress out.

Next day Mike asks Bob: what'


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My doctor said I should start killing people.

His exact words were that I need to reduce stress in my life. Same thing.

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My Doctor told me to start killing people....

Well not exactly in those words, but he said "I had to reduce the stress in my life".

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I just flew into town, and boy are my arms tired.

I just have bad fear of flying, and I masturbate to relieve stress.

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When under pressure, just start counting in spanish

It undo stress

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Actual exchange the morning of my wedding yesterday:

Photographer (to bride): scale of 1 to 10, what's your stress level at?

Bride: 8

Groom (me): WOOHOO SINGLE DIGITS

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An extremely Italian man sees a doctor about his eating disorder

Doctor, I need your advice: I stress eat soppressata to suppress'a my feelings

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I'm almost certain that I have numerous physical and mental disorders.

I definitely have depression, binge eating disorder, generalized anxiety disorder, panic disorder, manic episodes, ADHD, premature ejaculation, insomnia, learning disabilities, Tourette's, and acute stress disorder.

But every time I go to the doctor they just tell me I have hypochondriasis.

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My parents keep complaining that I'm unemployed. I don't know why all the stress, I already made my resume.

Companies are welcome to come and take it. I'm home 24/7.

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My own stress is stressing me out

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My therapist told me to write angry letters to the people I hate and then burn them to relieve stress.

I did that, but now I don't know what to do with the letters.

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My therapist asked me if I was a stress eater. I said of course I'm not a stress eater.

If I could eat stress, I wouldn't need to eat all this food when I'm stressed out!

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I got really anxious after I watched a play yesterday

I must have Post Dramatic Stress Disorder

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How to relieve stress from your anus?

By taking a shit

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Despite the stress of the court case and abuse allegations they say that.....

Bill Cosbys wife hasn't lost any sleep over it.

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Got fired from my job and one of my testicles got bigger

That must be my stress ball.

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