Stock

Jokes

A man in a business suit walks into a bar holding a briefcase, with a parrot on his shoulder

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A stock broker was at a fancy restaurant.

He was very famous so many people would bombard him with questions of to make money fast. While he was ordering his steak, the waiter asked him how would he like it seasoned. On the other hand, inquisitive diners asked him for his favorite company.

"S&P"

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I was thinking that today I should dump this girl that I have been seeing

then again, maybe not yet, stock up on nuts for the upcoming winter..

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I boiled a funny bone once...

It turned into a laughing stock.

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I boiled a funny bone one...

It turned into a laughing stock.

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Why do guys who like big asses always seem to make the right stock trades?

They're very good at finding the bottom.

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If you boil the funny bone, it'll become a laughing stock

..... Now that's what i call humerus

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What happens when you boil your funny bone?

You become a laughing stock.

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Tim lost his job as a stock broker, so he decided to start a new life for himself away from the big city.

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What happens when you boil a funny bone?

It becomes a laughing stock.

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Which mutual fund did the slut invest in?

Dodge & Cox Stock Fund

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3 Chinese Immigrants

Lee Bu, Chan Chu and Fred Fu immigrated to the USA. They decided in order to become Americans, they need to Americanize their last names.

Lee Bu changed his last name to Bucks.

Chan Chu changed his last name to Chucks.

Fred Fu left the USA to Canada after becoming the laughing stock of the neighberhood.


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I bought a warehouse full of soup stock

Now I'm a bouillonaire

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A guy walks into a bar and orders a bear.

Sadly, they had run out of stock. The next day, he walked in again and ordered the same.


The bear was huge.

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What do you get when you boil a funny bone?

Laughing stock.

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What do you get when you boil a bunch of funny bones?

Laughing Stock.

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If you boil a funny bone it becomes a laughing stock.

That's humerus.

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If you boil a funny bone...

It becomes a laughing stock.

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If you boil a funny bone it becomes a laughing stock.

That's pretty humerus.

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If you boil your funny bone, it becomes a laughing stock. Isn't that humerus?

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I've opened a stock exchange at our office.

Currently, you can trade calf and duck stock.

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What did they name Game of Thrones' first stock exchange?

Investeros

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After I lost my life savings on Walk Street,

I had to take stock.

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If you boil a funny bone

It becomes a laughing stock

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Two dudes chilling in the World Trade Center...

Dude 1 : Hey Dude 2, can you check our last stock purchase again please?

Dude 2 : Sure.. *pulls out phone* wait why the fuck am I getting airplane wifi?...

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As two hungry goats tried eating movie film stock...

...one turned to the other and said, "I don't know about you, but I thought the book was better."

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Four Men Went Golfing Together

Four men went golfing together one day; three headed to the first tee and one went into the club house to take care of the bill.

The three men started talking, bragging about their sons.

The first man told the others, "My son is a home builder and he's so successful that he gave a friend a new home - for free."

The second man said, "My so


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A woman goes to Wal-Mart

A woman is in Wal-Mart shopping.
A lady was looking at the frozen turkey, she was looking through them and she was getting frustrated.

A stick boy comes up with a cart of more frozen turkey and starting putting them in the cooler on the floor.

The woman looks at the stock boy and asks “ Do these turkeys get any bigger?”

The stock boy looks


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Bouillon is most commonly stolen around the holiday season

It's a good time to take stock

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I tried selling jokes on Wall Street.

But they made fun of my idea... It was quite the laughing stock.

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Starting next Monday, you can trade mushrooms on the stock markets

The SEC has determined that mushrooms are fungible.

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What do you call a ork that works in the live stock department?

Cow-orker.
I'll see myself out

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A man calls an aquarium factory.

He says, "I understand that you manufacture custom fish tanks of all sizes?"

"That's right."

"Perfect. You see, my company manufactures silicon breast implants. We've found that our products last longer when stored in water. If we had some kind of very large glass storage containers, capable of holding many implants at once, we could inc


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A man walks into a bakery and asks the store owner if he has a thousand loaves of bread

The owner looked at the man likes he’s crazy and said “sorry we don’t stock that much bread at once”

The man comes in the next day and asks the owner “do you have a thousand loaves of bread”

The owner replies “I told you already, we don’t stock that much bread at once!”

The same thing happens the next day


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Why are hedge fund managers called that?

They hedge their bets on the stock market

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I tried to buy Ferrari stock yesterday, but all I got was a bunch of leftist news articles

I don't know why. All I typed in was "RACE equity".

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A retired stock broker moves to the country

He buys a large plot of land and is living by himself for a few months when he gets a knock on the door.
The man answers the door and a large country boy is standing there.
"Muh name is Bubba, I'm your neighbor with the farm across from ya"
The man is excited as he hasn't really seen another person in months "Oh! Nice to meet you!" He says enthusi


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Boiron (homeopathy manufacturer) just suspended stock market quotation...

...I suppose they must be happy. The more diluted their stock value the better, right?

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What's the difference between a whole bunch of babies and a large stock of bowling bowls?

You can't stack the bowling bowls using a pitchfork.

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How many jontrons does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

your entire stock

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Why are corn fields great comedians?

Cause they make a laughing stock out of everything!

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Is it racist to prefer limited edition vinyl records over stock vinyls?

Because stock vinyls are typically black, but limited edition vinyls are colored.

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I bought stock in an escalator company.

Profits are on the rise

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What do you call it when a bunch of stock markets suddenly show in the same place!

An investation.

(Credit to my 10 year old nephew James)

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My dad bought stock in a banana peal company

Profits have been slipping

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I invested some stock in a TNT company yesterday.

Let's just say business is booming

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What soda do conspiracy theorists stock up on ?

Dr.prepper

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What kind of meat do end of the world, conspiracy theorists stock up on?

Prepperoni

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I tried to invest in the gravy industry

But there wasn't much stock in it.

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Where can you see a black person, a racially ambiguous person, an Asian person, and an older white person all smiling and getting along?

A corporate stock photo.

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