Startled

Jokes

A man walks into a bar with a crocodile

The man behind the bar says to him "what the fuck are you doing with that crocodile?"

The man looks at him and says "he can do tricks!"

The man behind the bar responds "Tricks?! You barmy bastard, get out, get out!"


The man says "I'll show you!" and pulls his cock out and puts it in the crocodiles mouth. The


read more
UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected:

​

* a half-gallon of 2% milk
* a carton of eggs
* a quart of orange juice
* a head of romaine lettuce
* a 2 lb. can of coffee
* a 1 lb. package of bacon

As she was unloading her items onto the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her was watching.

While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the d


read more
UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

A Dumb Blonde Goes Ice Fishing

A dumb blonde goes ice fishing.

The dumb blonde finds a good spot on the ice, cuts a whole in it and begins fishing.

Suddenly a loud voice from up above says "There are no fish here!"

The dumb blonde gets startled and decides to move to a new spot on the ice. The dumb blonde cuts a new hole and begins fishing again.

Again a loud voice


read more
UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

A woman was putting away laundry when the kitten ran across her feet.

Startled, she dropped the pants she was holding. Her husband laughs and says “damn, you mean I’ve been trying to get those off of you for all these years and your drop your pants for a little pussy”

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question.

As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast. They are both startled and he says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me." She replies, "if your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 1221."


read more
UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

Superman is flying around one day

As he flies past a high rise apartment building, he looks through an open window and sees Wonder Woman lying naked on her bed. He thinks to himself, “I’ll fly in, get a little and fly back out before she even knows what happened.” So he flies in, gets a little and flies out. Wonder Woman, startled, sits up and says “what was that?” Invisible man rolls over and replies


read more
UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

A lifeguard once yelled at me for peeing in a public pool.

He startled me so badly I nearly fell in.

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

A lifeguard yelled at me for peeing in the pool.

He startled me so badly I nearly fell in.

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

I was in the library today and I saw a sign on the emergency exit that said, "This door is alarmed"...

And I wondered, what startled it?

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

The man with a hammer...

In a small town in the countryside lived an old man all alone. He worked as a demolisher and all he had was a hammer.

One day he was called in to take down a small cabin by the river. It was just a room and he divided his work into five days. The first day he took down the roof. Second day he took down one wall , next day another and so on.

On the fifth day, while knocki


read more
UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

Paint Job

A teenager, wanting to earn some extra money for the summer, decided to hire herself out as a "handy-woman"

She started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.

"Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch," he said, "How much will


read more
UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

Bula is at school

Bula is at school, the teacher enters the class and starts calling pupils to see who is missing:


"Andrei?"


"Here."


"Anda?"


"Here."


"Bula?"


"Here."


Behind the class George starts laug


read more
UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

A dad walks in on his daughter having sex with her boyfriend. The girl, startled, says, Im sorry, Dad.

Dad, to her: Hi Sorry, I’m Dad.

Then he turns to the boyfriend and says, “Are you fucking sorry?”

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

Spiritual parrot

A burglar sneaks in a dark bar...(after hours) and goes right to the cash register.

A voice calls out, "GOD IS WATCHING YOU".

He looks all around and sees nothing so returns to jimmying the cash drawer.

Again, the voice says, "GOD IS WATCHING YOU".

The burglar looks around and finally sees a parrot in a cage and says, &quo


read more
UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

A robber broke into my house

and started searching for money. I was startled awake, and realising what was going on, I searched for money alongside him

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

The president is walking out of the white house

and he is heading towards a limo, when a possible assassin steps forward and aims a gun.

A secret service agent, who is new on the job shouts “Micky mouse!” this startled the would be assassin and he is is arrested.

Later the secret agents supervisor pulls him aside and says : “Why in the hell would you shout Micky Mouse?”

Blushing th


read more
UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

Three Nuns

Three Nuns are walking when suddenly a man comes up and exposes himself to them. The first nun was startled and had a stroke. The second nun was also surprised and also has a stroke. The third nun didn't touch the man.

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

What did the sheep say when it was startled by a musical dog?

Bah! Hum pug!

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

Landscaping

Q: Why did a landscaper named George look startled when he went back to his project?

A: A Bush was missing from his clients lawn.

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

You Should Never, Ever, Question A Drunk..

​

I was shopping at the local supermarket where I selected: A half-gallon of 2% milk. A carton of eggs. A quart of orange juice. A head of lettuce. A 2 lb. can of coffee. A 1 lb. package of bacon.

As I was unloading my items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind me watched as I placed the items in front of the cashier. While the cashier


read more
UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

Two guys find a weird looking box the woods

They look at each other, surprised. They approach it and one says to the other:

Dude 1: "Man, I don't know about this. I think there's something in there. I don't know what it is, but I have an eerie feeling about it... There's definitely something in the box"

Dude 2: "I know dude, but we should check it out and see what it is".


read more
UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

Last night I woke up, startled, to a females voice coming from my desktop. Hello, it said, Its me.

Upon further inspection, I realized it was just a Dell.

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

Last night, i woke up startled by a female voice from my laptop

Upon close inspection, it turned out to be a Dell

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

Why did the philosopher scream?

He was Ari-startled.

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

Voices

A man worked his whole adult life on an assembly line. Day in, day out, same boring thing. Then one day in the middle of his mind numbing shift he hears a little voice whisper: "*Quit your job, sell your house and belongings, take the money,go to Vegas."* He was startled, but shook it off and went back to work. Next day same thing, the voice was back, a little louder: " *Quit your


read more
UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

Wonder Woman is lying on the beach naked on her back...

Superman, extremely drunk and horny, sees her and decides to swoop down and get him some. He dives down, gives it to her, and flies away. Wonder Woman, startled, says "What the hell was that?" The Invisible Man says "I don't know, but my ass is killing me!"

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

I startled my wife while she was breastfeeding

You should have seen the expression on the baby's face

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

Two Old Men



Two old men were sitting in the yard outside the care home one day when Tim turned to the other and said "John I'm really feeling my age today I just hurt all over, how are you feeling?


John replied "I feel just like a new born babe"


Tim looked at him startled "A New Born babe really?"



read more
UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

One day, a taxi cab passenger touched...

a new cab driver on his shoulder to ask him something. The driver squealed “EEEEEEEEEE!”, lost control of car, and screeched to a stop after mounting the sidewalk. The passenger apologised profusely & said: "I had no idea you would be startled by me tapping your shoulder!"

Driver replied: “Im sorry it's not your fault; I used to be funeral dr


read more
UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

What do you call a startled sports car?

A spoiler alert.

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

The New Lumberjack

A lumberjack new to the job had trouble meeting his quota. He worked as hard as he could, but still he could only chop down two or three trees in a day. His supervisor noticed this, and asked what was wrong. Maybe his chainsaw was broken. The supervisor turned it on, but it was working fine.

The lumberjack looked incredibly startled and asked, "What's that noise?"


read more
UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

It's all about the balls....

Gertie, Dorothy, Ethel and George are sitting at a table at the local Bingo club when for the first time in 30 years George gets a full house.

In the excitement of jumping up and down screaming ‘BINGO!!’, George’s trousers accidentally fall down, exposing him fully to the startled ladies!

Dorothy and Ethel had a stroke, but Gertie couldn’t reach!


read more
UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

Donald Trump approaches the wall prototypes.

Donald Trump is approaching the wall prototypes when suddenly a secret service agent yells "Mickey Mouse!".

A man appears to have jumped across the boarder holding something suspicious.

The secret service agents tackle him and the situation is secure.

Someone then asks what the Mickey Mouse shouting was about.
The agent goes "I was st


read more
UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

A man was in a horrific car accident and rushed to the hospital. A few days later, he woke up startled and yelled, Doctor, I cant feel my legs!

The doctor replied, “I’m sorry, but we had to amputate your arms.”

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

Three women are about to be executed for crimes...

One's a brunette, one's a redhead, and one's a blonde.
Two guards brings the brunette forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests.
She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ."
Suddenly the brunette yells, "earthquake!!"
Everyone is startled and looks around. She manages to escape.
The


read more
UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

A horse and a duck walk into a bar...

The bartender asks "what can I get for you?"

The duck replies "something strong, my friend here has just broken up with his wife"

The bartender gets them something strong and the horse drinks it all in one. The horse then collapses on the floor

The duck, embarrassed and startled, attempts to leave the bar, but the bartender stops him.


read more
UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

Last night I woke up, startled, to a females voice coming from my desktop. Hello, it said, Its me.

Upon further inspection,
I realized it was just
a Dell.

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

A man got a call from his own number

He picks up the phone, expecting a call from himself in the future. The caller tells him “Hello this is John Smith from the IRS, you owe us $1000”. The man was startled as the caller had the same name as him, and immediately hangs up the phone in shock. He realized he had turned into an old indian man.


read more
UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

A cop on a horse is talking to a little girl on a bike...

The cop asks the girl "did santa get you that?"

"Yes" the little girl replies

"Well next time tell him to put a reflector light on it" and the cop fines her £5

The girl, startled, replies "did santa get you that" and points at the horse

"He sure did" replied the cop, laughing


read more
UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

The Doctor came into the room and gave me a serious look...

He said, “Look, you have got to stop masturbating.” Startled and confused I asked him why. “Because I’m trying to talk to you”

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

A man and his wife get into a fight and decide to give each other the silent treatment.

The husband turns out to be a deep sleeper and often relies on his wife to wake him up in time for work.

He realizes he needs her to help wake up, but is unwilling to reconcile differences.
At 8pm, he writes a note saying "Honey, please wake me up at 7 am, I need to get up early for work tomorrow", and leaves it on her side of the bed then proceeds to go to bed.


read more
UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

I wish you could buy breast milk

I accidentally startled my wife while she was bottling hers. The expression on her face was priceless.

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

What do you call a scared philosopher?

Ari-startled

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

A middle aged man and woman......

......meet, fall in love, and decide to get married.

On their wedding night they settle into the bridal suite at their hotel and the bride says to her new groom, "Please promise to be gentle,... I am still a virgin."

The startled groom says "How can that be? You've been married 3 times before."

The bride responds:

"W


read more
UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

A woman was shopping at her local supermarket ...

... where she selected: a half-gallon of 2% milk, a carton of eggs, a quart of orange juice, a head of romaine lettuce, a 2 lb. can of coffee, and a 1 lb. package of bacon.

As she was unloading her items onto the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her was watching.

While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "You must be


read more
UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

Trumps Ego was running around DC

It runs through Meridian Hill Park, past three nuns who were sitting on a park bench fondling their rosary beads. Trumps Ego stopped suddenly and startled them with its brash nakedness. Two of them had a stroke on the spot.

The third one couldn't reach.

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

What do you call air that you scare when it's thinking?

Air-is-startle'd

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

Hop and Bothered

I was walking along a back road when two bunnies suddenly leapt into the air and landed one on top of the other. To my astonishment, I saw that one had pushed the other onto a stout groundhog.

In disgust, he lifted his nose with a grunt and a distinct snarl, as if to say, “These rabbits nowadays! What do they teach their children?”
After the startled and likely embar


read more
UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

A taxi driver picks up a woman from the airport who sits in the back as a passenger

The woman wanted to ask a question so she leans forward and taps the driver’s shoulder to get his attention.

The driver gets startled so bad that he loses control of the cab, nearly hits a bus, swerves to barely dodge a light pole and finally halts near a glass bus stand.

The woman and driver both horrified stay paused for a few seconds then regain their mentality.


read more
UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

The Pope and some of his closest bishops..

.. are walking down the halls of the Vatican one evening, when, suddenly, the Pope catches a strange movement out of the corner of his eye. Startled, he squints and peers further down the hallway.

“What is it, Papa,” asks one of the bishops.

“I don’t a-know, exactly,” says the Pope, “but it could be.. Yes! I think it is! The


read more
UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE
LOAD MORE