Splinter

Jokes

I had a splinter once

It eventually got out of hand

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What did the Redditor say after he got a splinter?

Edit: thanks for the sliver!

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An elephant gets a splinter in his foot, and the pain is killing him.

He asks the other elephants to help him get it out, but their trunks and feet are too big and clumsy to do anything with it.

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He sees a couple of monkeys, the only denizens of the jungle possessed of opposable thumbs, but the monkeys are assholes. They just point at him and laugh.

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Finally he spies a mouse scurryi


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A farmer goes outside to check his livestock

While observing the cattle he notices that he needs to clean up the accumulated manure in one of his corrals. So he gets the tractor and pushes the muck into a pile on the edge of the pen. As he does this, the pile leans against the fence causing the wood to break and splinter. The farmer turns to his dog and says "Well ain't this a low-quality shit post?"


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Nobody believes me when I tell them I had a splinter when touring Spain and a playful little kid helped get rid of it.

Nobody expects the Spanish imp incision.

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A mouse took a stroll through the deep dark wood

(the African jungle, in fact) and was surprised to hear a strange noise coming from a nearby clearing. Peeping out from between the trees, he saw a female elephant weeping in distress, so he swaggered up to her and said "It's okay, chill, I'm not gonna hurt you."

And the elephant looked down her trunk and said, "It's not you, little guy, I trod on a spl


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I had a splinter once...

It eventually got out of hand.

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If you ever get a splinter, dip it in alcohol.

Whenever my mum had a prick in her hand, she'd put it in cider.

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I did a plank for 5 minutes.

Then I got a splinter on my cock.

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Splinter

So, I got a splinter in my foot. It was stuck to my side and was starting to bleed. It was bleeding for 5-10 minutes straight at a rate of 0.3gal a minute. Is there any advice to stop it before I lose too much bl-hxdbxhshsysjshxhsjzhxhshshdhshshdhshxhd

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What do you get when you put two Palestinians in the same room?

3 splinter faction

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What do you get when you put two Palestinians in the same room?

3 splinter faction

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What do you get when you put two Palestinians in the same room?

3 splinter faction

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What do you get when you put two Palestinians in the same room?

3 splinter faction

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Leonardo, Donatello, Raphael, and Michelangelo are currently boycotting Nintendo for promoting violence against turtles.

Master Splinter supports their #CurbTurtleStomp movement, but he still secretly enjoys playing Mario Odyssey on the low.

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Little Johnny gets a splinter

Not mine, heard it years back. I hope it hasn't been posted in some time.


One day little Johnny is climbing a tree in his backyard when he gets a splinter. Moving as fast as he can, he runs into the house screaming for his mother.


"Mommy! Mommy! Help! Help! I need cider, quick!"


Confused, his mother stops helping his sist


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A man goes to the doctor with a splinter in his penis.

It's a pretty bad one, but the doctor simply chalked it up to an unfortunate accident, removed the splinter, and sent the guy on his way.

The next day the guy came in again and this time there were several. The doctor again thought that this was really strange, but didn't want to pry into the guy's personal life. He removed the splinters again, and sent the guy on his


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A small boy gets a splinter in his finger....

A small boy gets a splinter in his finger and goes running to his parents and demands a glass of cider. After a while they give in and give the boy the cider. He puts his finger in but he cries as it hurts and doesn’t get rid of the splinter. Curious his parents asks him why he did that and he said “ I overheard my big sister talking to her friend the other day and she said whenever sh


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If Splinter got baked...

He'd become Chris Pratt

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If you cut yourself with metal you get tetanus. If you get pricked with a splinter of wood

[deleted]

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Why did Gandalf have to go to the hospital to get a splinter removed?

He had a staff infection...

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My wife messaged me at work, "I think I killed the shredder."

I responded by asking if she got Krang as well, if Splinter was able to verify the kill, and by telling her I am looking forward to learning what the Technodrome looks like IRL.

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I had a splinter in my finger

And i tried and tried to get it out, but i just couldn't. The pain was so intense that i decided my only option was to go to the hospital and get it removed.


So i get to the hospital and wait for a few hours before finally getting sent to a room with a doctor in It. He said to me "what seems to be the problem?"


I say "I have this splinte


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Why didn't the mother splinter call her son on his birth-day?

Because he's a little prick!

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What do the ninja turtles say when bad guys ask them where they learnt to fight

Master splinter tortoise

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Why are the Ninja Turtles on the No-Fly list?

Because they are members of an underground Splinter cell.

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A lady elephant is walking down the trail......

when she gets a rather large and painful splinter in her foot. She is unable to get the splinter out and cant really continue down the path. After a short wait, a fire ant comes walking down the trail. She asks him if he could please help with removing the splinter from her foot. The ant could really care less so he says "Sure, but you gotta let me screw you in the butt!" The elephant ca


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An elephant is walking through the jungle and gets a painful splinter in his foot

He is moaning in pain, just when an ant walks up. The ant sees his problem, and says, "Hey, I'll pull the splinter out of your foot, if you let me fuck you up the ass."

The elephant laughs a bit and agrees. So the ant climbs along his foot, and is able to pull hard enough to remove the splinter. The elephant is immediately relived, and thanks the ant. The ant says,


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