Spit

Jokes

Why aren't there many denstists in porn plot?

Because they always as to spit and not swallow...

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I once saw a movie called Spit.

It was the worst phlegm I ever saw.

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What's the difference between Like, Love, and Showing Off?

Spit, Swallow, and Gargle.

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Whats the worst about lung transplantation?

That first spit, is not yet yours.

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A conversation between twin brothers (NSFW)

A conversation between twin brothers who are still fetuses in their mother's womb; "I love it when our father visits is, but why is he so rude at the end of each visit, spitting all over is?" The other replies: "True, our uncle is much nicer: he always comes with a nice hat made of rubber on his head, so that he doesn't spit on us."


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Whats the difference in a teacher and a train

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A man gets off the prison bus

A man gets arrested and is getting off the prison bus

As soon as he gets inside the walls the biggest inmate in there backs him into a corner

Inmate says "alright, this is going to happen either way, the only choice I'm gonna give you, spit or no spit"

The man, shaking and sweating, says "well I guess if there's nothing I can do about


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What do you call a woman covered in Redditors' spit and shit?

Maude.

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A teacher handed out Lifesavers to her class.

She began to ask the children if they could identify the flavor by each candy’s color.

Pretty soon, the class had identified red for cherry, green for lime, yellow for lemon, and orange for orange. So the teacher tried a harder question. She handed out honey-flavored Lifesavers. Nobody could figure out what flavor, so the teacher thought of a hint:

“They&rs


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A man told his friend that he wanted to have sex with his girlfriend, and she told him "Maybe later, I'm pretty dry right now."

He said to wish in one hand, and spit in the other.

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My grandpa left band because he was embarrassed to empty his spit out of his instrument...

He played guitar

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I was just kicked out of a local cafe

Apparently they don’t like it when dyslexics spit in their “tips” jar

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What did the blonde do after she finished sucking cock?

She spit out the feathers.

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An Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman walk into a bar

Or a pub if you prefer. They all order a pint of Guinness. Three flies come along and they all manage to land in the beer of the three patrons. The Englishman pushes his beer away in disgust and orders another one. The Scotsman takes the fly out and drinks his beer. The Irishman takes the fly out of his glass, takes it over the beer and starts shaking it up and down finally yelling "Spit


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An English, Irish and a Scottish man walk into a bar

They each order a beer and as it arrives a fly falls into each of their glasses.

The Englishman pushes the glass away and demands a new one.

The Scotsman throws the fly out and takes a sip.

The Irishman grabs the fly, starts shaking it over the glass and yells: "Spit it out, spit it out!"


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WHAT DOES A KISS TASTE LIKE?

One day a teacher had a taste test with her students. She picked a little boy to do the first test.
She blindfolded him, put a Hershey's chocolate kiss in 
his mouth and asked, 'Do you know what it is?'  'No,
I don't,' said the little boy.  
'Okay, I'll give you a clue. It's the thing your daddy wants from you


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I was choking on a piece of steak one night this actually happened

While eating dinner with my family, I started to eat a piece of steak and ended up choking.

I then stood up, with saliva coming out of my mouth, I held my neck and turned red in the face.

I looked over at my parents who were just sitting at the table staring back at me.

I continued to choke and more spit fell onto the floor to which my mom said to me:
<


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Joke

I gave my girlfriend an orgasm last night.

But she spit it out.

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Tina and ted

Tina and Ted got into their bed, Said Ted to Tina "It's time for some head." "Head in the bed?" is what Tina said, "Before we're both dead," is what Ted next said.

So Tina did suck and Tina did lick, And into her palm then Tina did spit, She polished his crank like a hitch made of chrome, And when her arm tired, she gave him more dome.


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What is the difference between a teacher and a locomotive.

A teacher says "Spit out your gum."

A train says "Choo choo"

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Three men got captured by an Indian tribe.

The headman of the tribe told each man to bring back one type of fruit or they'll get executed.

The first man brought back an orange, the headman then told him to swallow it. He couldn't do it so the headman got him executed.

The second man brought a bunch of 10 grapes, the headman told him to swallow them. He got 9 in his mouth and had to try his best to put t


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True joke in a party

There was some guy going around the party with a joint. I heard him asking another guy: hey dude do you have some spit to lick my joint because I’m so thirsty

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Whats the difference between a teacherprofessor and a train?

One will tell you to spit your gum out and the other will tell you to “chew-chew-chew”

One will tell you to throw away your drink and the other will tell you to “chugga-chugga-chugga-chugga”

One will tell you to hold in your farts and the other will tell you “toot-tooooooooooooot”


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My Wife wore a "Vaccines cause autism" shirt

She was insulted, punched and spit on

Not to imagine what would have happened if she left the house!

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Trump died (long)

And he is in hell. So the devil went up to him and said, “Sadly, we have no room left. So, to accommodate you, we will have to evict one of our current tenants. I guess you can choose.”

So the first room had Barack Obama, and he was being lowered into a giant vat of boiling oil by two demon monkeys.

The next room had George Bush, and he was being slowly roast


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My ex says shes not a hoe

but her spit is accepted at the sperm banks

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Why'd you let him spit on you??!

"Who?!"
My dick

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A Teacher is giving out candy and the students are trying to guess the flavor.

No one can figure it out so the teacher gives a hint. "It's what your mother sometimes calls your father" The students look around for a minute and timmy in the back yells "SPIT IT OUT IT'S ASSHOLE!"

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How do you make New England style fried shrimp?

First, you deflate the shrimp...


(this came from a conversation with coworkers at a hotel. One ask the above question and after a short pause, I reaponded with "You deflate them first?". The person at the next table over was from Indy and almost spit up his drink. Priceless setup, and wanted to share)


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Teacher: Today we will be working on our sense of taste.

Teacher hands the 1st student a red life saver.

Student 1: Cherry

Teacher hands the 2nd student a green life saver.

Student 2: Lime

Teacher hands the third student a clear life saver.

Student sucks on it but cannot give an answer.

Teacher: Hint, it is what your mom calls your dad.

Johnny: Spit it out, it is


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Little Billy is standing in the barn with his grandpa. There are rabbits in the barn and their droppings are all over the floor.

The boy says, "What are all these pellets on the ground, grandpa?"

Grandpa says, "They're smart pills, Billy. Eat them and you'll get smarter."

Little Billy liked the sound of that so he grabbed a handful off the ground and shoved them in his mouth. He immediately spit them out and said, "Ugh, those taste like crap, grandpa!"


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Why did she spit out the turkey soup?

She said it had a fowl taste.

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Scientists have discovered that there is intelligent DNA inside of a lot of Women.

Unfortunately, most of them spit it out.

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An Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman are all sitting in a pub

The Englishman looks down, sees a fly in his beer, and calls out to the bartender, "Hey mate, there's a fly in my beer. Get me another pint!"

The Scotsman looks down, sees a fly in his beer, scoops it out and keeps drinking.

The Irishman looks down, sees a fly in his beer, picks it up by the wing, holds it above the glass and says "Spit it out, you li


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I got spit on by a farm animal and thought it was the end of the world.

It was just the alpaca lips.

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I've given every woman I've been with an orgasm.

Some swallow, some spit.

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What do you call a gay mans ejaculant.

Unicorn spit.

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What is the difference between a school teacher and a train?

The teacher says spit your gum out and the train says "chew chew chew".

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Scientists have discovered that there is intelligent DNA in a lot of women

Unfortunately, most of them spit it out

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A young banker goes to jail for the first time for fraud... NSFW

He is immediately confronted by a large tattooed inmate as he enters the yard, who grabs him and says, “You wait til shower time, sweetheart. You’re going to get it good from me.”
The banker is trembling; his hands shake when he’s called out of his cell to lunch, knowing that after eating they’re hitting the showers.
He hardly touches his food when the ja


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I think the weirdest thing about being dyslexic

Is the look the barista gives you when you add to the spit jar. Like I’m not the one who put it there, Kenlynn, chill out.

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A man named Adam is being sent to prison

On the first day in the shower he is approached by a giant muscular inmate who asks him intimidatingly

"With or without spit?!"

The man (Adam) thinks to himself that it will happen no matter what and that it might hurt less with spit so he frighteningly stammers

"With spit"

To which the giant shouts to another inmate.
<


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I put an elbow on a spit over my grill for a friend of mine. Had to really capture the flavor, so I put the lid on and set it to spin automatically.

Apparently, this wasn't what he meant when he said he wanted to smoke a joint.

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An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman are drinking in a bar.

A fly lands in the Englishman’s pint. The Englishman is incensed, and pushes his beer away and orders another.

A fly lands in the Scotsman’s pint. The Scotsman looks at the fly shrugs, and just drinks the fly down.

A fly lands in the Irishman’s pint. The Irishman is furious. He picks out the fly, and violently shakes the fly over his pint glass while s


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In Soviet Russia...

Sidewalk spit on you

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Which sultry-voiced singer will happily spit in your face?

Llama Del Rey.

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What's white and tastes like bananas?

Monkey spit.

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A boy and a girl are kissing in the park...

After some time the girl, clearly anoyed by something, says to boy: "Can you please spit out that chewing gum when we are kissing!?"

And the boy says: "Sorry... (Snort!) I am little under the cold..."

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An Englishman, a Scotsman, and and Irishman all enter a pub, sit down at the bar, and each orders a pint.

By some incredible coincidence, three flies come along and each one lands in a separate glass.

The Englishman pushes his glass away in disgust and demands that it be replaced on the house.

The Scotsman scoops the fly out of his beer, drops it on the bar top, and continues to sip.

The Irishman reaches into his stout, plucks our the fly, and begins screaming,


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What's the definition of like, love, and hate?

Spit, swallow, and bite.

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