Smug

Jokes

Fucking smug giraffes,

Always looking down on me.

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An accountant opens up their spreadsheet, only to find all the numbers missing. Their cat is sitting by the desk, looking smug.

I dont know why they're so suprised, cats are good at knocking things off tables.

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A young man was on a boat and was horny...

He asked the captain,"Sir, what do we do when we get horny 'round here." The captain reaponded,"There's a barrel over on the right side of the deck, you may use that everyday except for wednesday." The boy asked,"Why not Wednesday?" The captain had a smug grin on his face,"Because that's your day in the barrel."


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What do you call a smug thief walking down a flight of stairs?

A condescending con descending

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What do you call a smug thief talking down a flight of stairs?

A condescending con descending

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He was in ecstasy, with a huge smile on his face, as his wife moved forward, then backwards, forward, then backwards again, back and forth, back and forth...in and out...in and out. It was going on 20 minutes at this point...



Her heart was pounding...her face was flushed...then she moaned, softly at first, then began to groan louder.

Finally, totally exhausted, she let out an almighty scream and shouted:

"OK, OK! I can't park the damn car! You do it, you smug bastard!"

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My friend gave me a smug smile and said, 'Your slut of a wife came over last night and was my chef for the night.'

'Don't call her that, it's offensive,' I replied. 'She can't cook to save her life.'

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Why was the guy with a monkey on his back so smug?

He had a chimp on his shoulder.

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This bloke was in the street with a stall selling balaclavas.

"Balaclavas! Get your balaclavas!" he shouted. "Ladies and gentlemen, get your balaclavas!"

So I walked up to him and said, "I'm a cop."

He said, "Would you like a balaclava?"

I said, "You didn't hear me, right. I'm a cop."

"Yes," he said. "But I supposed you might wa


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There is a dead body, 4 people and a detective sitting in a room

The detective looks around at the 4 people and the body, the people sitting before him is a rockstar, emo, butler and a drug dealer
he quickly turns and points at the emo
the emo sputters out "w-why me?"
the detective looks smug and says

you were the first crime of the scene!

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Why major in philosophy?

Why major in philosophy?
- can be smug after only 2-3 classes
- only major where you finish knowing less than when you started
- generally better beards than psychology
- can't find a job, but then again what even is a job?

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What's the difference between a porcupine and a Tesla?

The porcupine has pricks on the outside and would never get a smug, personalized license plate.

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Worlds Smartest Native American

I and some buddies of mine were on vacation one year. We were driving on a long, dusty, barren road when we see a sign on the side of the road that says “World’s Smartest Native American”. So being all smug, we decide to go and check it out.

We get inside his dwelling and because we were so cocky and smart, we start by saying “How!” to him, and he respo


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What do you call a smug criminal walking down a flight of stairs?

A condescending condescending.

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My teacher always said looking out of windows would never get me anywhere in life.

Did I have a smug look on my face when I handed him his Big Mac from the drive thru window.

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The watermelon patch.

A farmer has a watermelon patch, and upon inspection he discovers that some of the local kids have been stealing some regularly. He comes and up with an idea to stop the menace so he puts up a sign that reads:
"WARNING! ONE OF THESE WATERMELONS CONTAINS CYANIDE!"
The farmer returned to the watermelon patch a week later feeling pretty smug and discovers that none of the waterm


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Raise your hand if you're wearing underwears or panties with holes in them...

For those smug individuals that did not raise their hand, I'm curious how you inserted your legs in them if they have no holes? Unless you're wrapping a handkerchief.

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I remember my teacher telling me that looking out of the window wouldn't get me anywhere.

Boy, did I have a smug look later when I handed him his burger and fries at the drive-thru!

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Theres an old Yugoslav Joke mocking police corruption

where a policeman returns home unexpectedly and finds his wife naked in their marital bed, obviously hot and excited. Suspecting that he surprised her with a lover, he starts to look around the room for a hidden man. The wife goes pale when he leans down to look under the bed; but after some brief whispering, the husband rises with a satisfied, smug smile and says “Sorry my love, false alarm


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A butt plug walks into a bar

There's a nasty fight going on. The butt plug walks over, slaps one of the guys in the face and tells him to either fuck off or start behaving.

"Hey, you just came in, how did you know he started it?!"

The butt plug looks around with a smug look on his tip and says

"I know an asshole when I see one."


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Trump goes to a elementary school

As a part of his campaign, Donald Trump has been going around schools. At one elementary school, he was asked to lead the sing along for the kids. He put on a smug face and raised his arms.

"If you're happy and you know it clap your ^^^^hands "

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Why is Donald Trump such a smug fuck-face cunt?

[deleted]

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Man in ecstasy...

He was in ecstasy, with a huge smile on his face, as his wife moved forward, then backwards, forward, then backwards again, back and forth, back and forth...in and out...in and out.

It was going on 20 minutes at this point...

Her heart was pounding...her face was flushed...then she moaned, softly at first, then began to groan louder.

Finally, totally exhaust


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I challenged a guy to a game of Pool.

"The winner gets to sleep with my girlfriend," I declared.

Boy, did he look smug when he won.

Jokes on him though, I don't have a girlfriend.

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What is the difference between Jeff Goldblum and Scotland?

One is an insufferable smug bastard that acts and the other once had a [Bastards Act](http://books.google.com/books?id=lKAaAAAAYAAJ&pg=PA30&dq=bastards+scotland+act&hl=en&sa=X&ei=_JwcVKCLKvXIsATi6oG4DQ&ved=0CDcQ6AEwBA#v=onepage&q=bastards%20scotland%20act&f=false).
edit: URL


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The Confession

A man's talking to his priest and says "Father, I don't know what to do. Suddenly, all of these beautiful women want to have sex with me. I try to be good, but I have to confess, I'm weak. I slept with five women in the last three days."
The priest says, "Go home, squeeze five lemons into a cup, and drink it really fast."
The man asks, "Will th


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Man in ecstasy

He was in ecstasy, with a huge smile on his face, as his wife moved forward, then backwards, forward, then backwards again, back and forth, back and forth...in and out...in and out.

It was going on 20 minutes at this point...

Her heart was pounding...her face was flushed...then she moaned, softly at first, then began to groan louder. Finally, totally exhausted, she let ou


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I was drinking beer on the couch when my fitness trainer wife complained I never exercised. Shocked, I turned to her and said "why today I've done about 60 reps more than you". To which she angrily replied "and what exercise might that be".

"Burpees" I said with a smug look and belched.

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What do you call a smug criminal going down stairs?

A Condescending Con Descending.

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Climbing the jungle gym.

One day Mindy's mother notices that Mindy has a dollar when coming home.

"Mindy, where did you get that dollar?"

"A boy on the playground gave it to me for climbing the jungle gym"

"Honey you can't do that! He's doing that so he can see your underwear when you climb up."

The next day Mindy comes home p


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Three guys are driving through the desert...

Unfortunately their car breaks down and they have to continue their journey on foot.

They decide to bring some provisions to help with the journey. The first man grabs two Jerry cans full of water. The second takes a large rucksack full of food. The third guy opens the car door, kicks it off it's hinges and picks up the door. The other two guys, utterly perplexed ask "Why th


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A lady gets on an elevator...

She says to the man standing there, "T-G-I-F!" to which the man replies, "S-H-I-T."
Taken aback the lady repeats, "T-G-I-F! Thank Goodness It's Friday!"
The man gives a smug grin and says, "Sorry Honey. It's Thursday."

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Ok Reddit, give me your best dirty, yet tasteful, jokes!

My favorite:

A chicken and an egg were lying in bed. The egg is sitting up smoking a cigarette looking awfully smug. The chicken is glaring at the egg from across the bed. Finally, the chicken blurts out, "At least we know the answer to THAT question!"

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Priest and Rabbi confessions

So a priest and a rabbi are at a bar. The priest says to the rabbi "I know you aren't supposed to but have you ever eaten bacon before?"

The rabbi is a little ashamed and says "Yes, once."

The priest is a little smug after hearing this so the rabbi says "I know you aren't supposed to but have you ever had sex before?"

A


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My wife felt smug the other day after she told me that my penis resembles a tic-tac.

I soon wiped the smile off of her face when I asked, "If that's the case, then why does your sister still have bad breath?"

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