Shook

Jokes

Two ants, a mother and her daughter, are out for a walk in their underground city.

They were having lovely day until they came upon a group of protesters outside the queen's domain. One of them, with a sign reading "It's time to GO!" spotted them and quickly approached.

"Excuse me ma'am, but do you have a moment to take a look at some alarming literature and help support our cause?" he half-shouted at her.

The mother


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Two aunts, a mother and her daughter, are out for a walk in their underground city.

They were having lovely day until they came upon a group of protesters outside the queen's domain. One of them, with a sign reading "It's time to GO!" spotted them and quickly approached.

"Excuse me ma'am, but do you have a moment to take a look at some alarming literature and help support our cause?" he half-shouted at her.

The mother


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Two ants, a mother and her daughter, are walking through their underground city.

They were having lovely day until they came upon a group of protesters outside the queen's domain. One of them, with a sign reading "It's time to GO!" spotted them and quickly approached.

"Excuse me ma'am, but do you have a moment to take a look at some alarming literature and help support our cause?" he half-shouted at her.

The mother


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Two men were washed ashore during World War I.

Their ship, an aging minesweeping model, had wrecked off the coast. As they sought shelter in a makeshift camp, one of them managed to salvage a radio and quickly telegraphed an SOS with their coordinates.

To their surprise, a ship responded within the hour, saying it could be at their location in about two weeks.

The older soldier shook his head, saying he'd rathe


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Then there was the woman that accidentally backed into an airplane propeller. When asked about her injuries, her doctor just shook his head and said....

Dis-assed her...

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What did Elvis Presley say after he crashed his Cadillac?

I'm all shook up.

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What did California say to Baja California?

Nothing. They just shook

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Did you hear about the millennial visiting LA?

He was shook af

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A lawyer bought a brand new Porsche

He parked it in front of his office to show it off to his colleagues. As he was getting out of the car, a truck came speeding along too close to the kerb and took off the door before zooming off.

Furious, the lawyer grabbed his phone and called the police. Five minutes later the police arrive. Before the policeman had a chance to ask any questions, the man started screaming hysterical


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A little girl walked into a barber shop eating a muffin...

She sat down next to the chair where a customer was getting a haircut.

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The barber turned to the little girl and shook his head. "You'll get hair on your muffin."


The girl smiled up at the man and nodded. "Yeah, they say I'll get tits too!"

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3 drunk guys decided to take Taxi home after a heavy night.

once they got in the car the driver noticed that they were very drunk so, he drove just 100 feet stopped

and said :"okay guys we arrived"

the first guy paid and descended from the car without noticing, the second did the same and, followed him soon.

As the taxi driver was thinking that the trick has worked, the last guy put his hand on the driver&


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Two men were washed ashore during World War I.

Their ship, an aging minesweeping model, had wrecked off the coast. As they sought shelter in a makeshift camp, one of them managed to salvage a radio and quickly telegraphed an SOS with their coordinates.

To their surprise, a ship responded within the hour, saying it could be at their location in about two weeks.

The older soldier shook his head, saying he'd rathe


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A horse walks into a bar and the bartender asks "Why the long face?"

A few local barflies laughed into their glasses, hunched over like a waning reed in the wind, rosy cheeked and bleary eyed.

The horse walked up the bar and awkwardly sat down on a stool which creaked loudly under their weight.

"I'll tell you why" the horse said in a perfect English accent, low and gravelly as if marked by years of smoking.

&qu


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A man had the worst day of his life, so he decided to go to the new bar...

the bar was located on the roof of one of the tallest buildings in the city, the man sat down, and told the bartender all his problems, how he had lost his job, his wife cheated on him, everything. He drank for hours, almost until it was closing time.

There was another man who had been listening from across the bar, he came over and told him; "You should try this drink they have,


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I dont know why people are so dramatic..

Because whenever I announce there’s an earthquake, people get shook..

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A blonde goes shopping..

A blonde walked into an electronics store and said to the salesmen: "I want that tv." The salesperson shook his head and said, "No, we don't sell to blondes." So the blonde left and came back with her hair dyed brown and said: "I'll take that tv." Again the salesman said: "No, we don't sell to blondes." So she left again and came back with he


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Your duck is dead

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."

The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?"

"Yes,


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A guy went to the police station...

He was panicking about a letter he had received that morning. He called a policeman, thrust the letter in his hands and cried, "Officer, save"

The policeman read the letter....'If I see you roaming about with my wife once again, you will be dead'.

The policeman was a simple person, he told the man, "Well then, don't roam around with his wife.


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What happened when the pirate shook his booty?

Some of it broke and the other pirates laughed at him.

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An original joke concerning an OG

So Arnold Schwarzenegger and his buddy were sitting in the backyard discussing the upcoming Halloween party they would be attending. As they hadn’t yet figured out what to dress up as, they kept tossing some ideas around.
“You could be the hulk?” His friend suggested.
Arnold shook his head no.
“Hmm” his buddy continued..”what about if we went a


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Mrs O Sullivan hears the doorbell and opens the front door of her house

Standing in the rain, is her husbands best friend, Paddy.

"Hello Paddy, but where is Seamus? I thought he went with you to the brewery"

Paddy shook his head. "Ah Aileen, there was a terrible accident at the brewery, your husband fell into a vat of Guinness and drowned"

Mrs O’ Sullivan starts crying. "Oh that is terrible, please


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I told the truth

When my friend shook my hand and asked why it was sticky. I said "**cum on,** don't sweat the small stuff."

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Did you hear that the man who invented the Hokey Pokey died?

They couldn't get him into the coffin because they put his left leg in, and then his left leg out. Then they put his left leg in and they shook him all about!

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A woman brought a very limp duck to a veterinary surgeon...

A woman brought a very limp duck to a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird’s chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, “I’m sorry, Ma’am, but your duck, Cuddles, has passed away.”

The distressed woman wailed, “Are you sure?”

&ld


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A couple had two mischievous little boys, aged 8 and 10. To teach them some manners, the parents contacted a clergyman who had been successful in rehabilitating bad children in the past.

The clergyman asked to see the boys individually. The 8 year old was sent to meet with him first. The clergyman sat the boy down and asked him sternly, "Where is God?"

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The boy made no response, so the clergyman repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is God?"

​

Again the boy made n


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An old Australian gynecologist was doing his rounds with a group of interns in tow.

As they were making their way between patients, one of the interns tapped the elderly doctor on the shoulder.

"Uh, doctor? I just thought I should tell you that you have an IUD behind your right ear."

The old doctor fumbled behind his ear and retrieved the offending device, scowled at it, and shook it in the face of the young intern. "Do you know what


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A truck driver sees a naked man tied to a tree off to the side of the road.

He pulls his rig to the side and approaches the man. The man says to him, "Oh, thank God you're here. I pulled into a gas station to get some gas. I was robbed at gun point, thrown into the trunk of my car and then driven here. Then they stripped me of all of my clothes, took my wedding ring and drove off."

The truck driver shook his head, lowered his fly and said, &quo


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I once shook hands with the world's greatest thief...

I'd hoped to get his autograph, too, but he was in a hurry to meet with some lobbyists before a big vote.

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A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon.

As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."

The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?"

"Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet..


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Your duck is dead

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."

The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?"

"Yes,


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Watching Childbith

The nurse approached him, smiling. "The labor is going great," she said. "Wouldn't you like to come in?"

"Oh, no," the man shook his head.

The nurse returned to the mother's side, and the labor progressed smoothly.

As the birth neared, the nurse returned to the man, now pacing frantically in the hall.

"


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Your DUCK IS DEAD

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."

The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?"

"Yes,


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(True story, for what its worth) My neighbour has a new Spanish teacher at school, his name is Mr Armada.

“Like the Spanish Armada?” I asked.

“Yeah,” he said and I shook my head in disbelief.

“Well,” I sighed. “At least he isn’t called Mr Inquisition. Nobody would have expected that.”

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Two baseball fanatics...

Jake and Johnny were the best of friends and fanatical about the game of baseball. While watching the World Series the two pondered if baseball existed in heaven.

"You think heaven will have baseball?," asked Jake.

"I certainly hope so!," Johnny said. "Tell you what, let's make a deal. Whoever passes through the pearly gates first comes bac


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I'm really impressed by Tom Brady.

He actually shook hands this time.

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I'm really impressed by Tom Brady.

He actually shook hands this year.

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Two friends were out fishing...

They had just finished and were rowing their boat back to the docks. When they arrived, the first friend got out and started to tether the boat to the nearest wooden pole. As he was doing so, he noticed that the rope was well-worn and had the potential to snap any moment. For the time being, he decided to tie up the boat and handle it later. The second friend got out of the boat and, seeing how da


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Two friends were out fishing...

They had just finished and were rowing their boat back to the docks. When they arrived, the first friend got out and started to tether the boat to the nearest wooden pole. As he was doing so, he noticed that the rope was well-worn and had the potential to snap any moment. For the time being, he decided to tie up the boat and handle it later. The second friend got out of the boat and, seeing how da


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A man approached what was certainly a bad vehicle accident.

It seemed that a bus had been hit by a truck belonging to a major company. Strewn about on the ground were a dozen bus passengers. The man asked one of the passengers, “Has anybody from the insurance company been here yet?” The passenger shook his head from side to side. The man continued, “Good, then you won’t mind if I lie down here next to you!”


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The circus was in town and was taking applications from the local townspeople for wildly unique acts.

The interviewer was at the end of a long fruitless day of these local no-talents, when the last applicant, Jack, stepped up to the table.

“Ok”, said the interview, “what’s your special talent?”

“I do bird imitations!”, replied Jack.

The interview sighed and shook his head. “I guess that about wraps it up!&rdquo


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My claim to fame is that I once met John Lennon on a train when we were both young men.


"John," I said. "Can you imagine all the people sharing all the world?"
He thought about it for a minute, then shook my hand. "Thank you," he said, "one day I might just write a song about this moment."
And he did, the rarely heard album track "Some Random Cunt I Met On A Train One Day".


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Magic Penis vs Police Officer

A businessman was preparing to go on a long business trip abroad, so he thought he'd buy his wife something to keep her occupied.

He went to a sex shop and explained his situation. The man there said, ' Well, I don't know that I have anything that will keep her occupied for so many weeks, except, perhaps... The Magic Penis!'

The husband said, 'The


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My (now) ex and I were watching 'Who Wants to be a Millionaire while we were in bed'...

I asked if she wanted to have sex.
She shook her head and said, "No."
I asked, "Is that your final answer?"
She didn't even look at me this time and said, "Yes.."
I said, "Then, I'd like to phone a friend."
And that's how to turn a girlfriend into an ex instantly.


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A woman once had a blind date with a chameleon

Their mutual friends had decided to set them up. She was sure it was a good idea, and this particular chameleon was known to be quite a charmer in their circle.

On that fateful day, at the restaurant, the charming chameleon and her were having a swimmingly good date.

Feeling impulsive, while eating dessert, the woman said, "You know, we're having such a great t


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I shook my family tree.

A bunch of nuts fell out.

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Magic Penis (Long)

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A businessman was preparing to go on a long business trip abroad, so he thought he'd buy his wife something to keep her occupied.

​

He went to a sex shop and explained his situation. The man there said, ' Well, I don't know that I have anything that will keep her occupied for so many


read more
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A Woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon

As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."

The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?" "Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet..

"


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My claim to fame is that I once met John Lennon on a train when we were both young men.


"John," I said. "Can you imagine all the people sharing all the world?"
He thought about it for a minute, then shook my hand. "Thank you," he said, "one day I might just write a song about this moment."
And he did, the rarely heard album track "Some Random Cunt I Met On A Train One Day".


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So a woman brought a very limp parrot into a veterinary hospital

So a woman brought a very limp parrot into a veterinary hospital. As she lay her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the Vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm so sorry, Polly has passed away."

The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure? I mean, you haven't done any testing on


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Teacher's pet

It was the end of the school year, and the pupils were giving gifts to their teachers. The teacher knew the jobs of all the kids' parents, so she said she'd guess what they'd all got her.

When the florist's daughter gave her a box, she sniffed it and said, "Are they flowers?" The little girl said, "How did you know?"

When the news


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