Shocked

Jokes

Today i discovered my electrician was unqualified

I was shocked

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A thief stuck a pistol in a man's ribs and said, "Give me your money!"

The gentleman, shocked by the sudden attack, said, "You can't do this, I'm a congressman!" The thief replied, "In that case, give me MY money!"

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A Cowboy rides up to a Saloon in the old west. An old man is sitting out front, whittling a stick...

...The Cowboy rides up, jumps down and ties up his horse. Then he walks around to the back of it, lifts up it's tail and kisses it right on the butthole.

The old man sees this and is shocked. When the cowboy approaches the front door, the old man says, "Damn son, that sure was a peculiar thing you did there. Can I ask why you did that?"

The cowboy replies,


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Doctor: (while wearing stethoscope) I'm shocked... I don't hear any pulse.

Doctor: (pauses) Oops, I forgot I'm deaf.

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"Goodvibes" - warning not for faint of heart

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Did you hear about the boy that electrocuted his family?

Everyone was shocked

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I don't understand why people are afraid to swim when there is lightning nearby.

If lightning actually hit my pool I'd be totally shocked.

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So the other day, I was curious what would happen if I licked a wall outlet...

So I did it...

​

Needless to say, I was shocked.

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I'm always shocked when people call me condescending.

Because that's a very big word.

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I was shocked to learn that Isis coming to the community

It turned out to be just Ice

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I must say I'm shocked by Jeffrey Epstein's suicide.

How did he get the noose around his chin?

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I gave my kid a loaded shotgun

My wife was shocked, til I told her "you dont give a toy without the batteries"

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What is the only expression youtube knows?

LOOK HOW SHOCKED I AM

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I met a really bad electrician at the bar last night...

At first there were some sparks, but he ended up saying some pretty nasty things to me and I left shocked.

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The waiter was shocked when I asked for my salad to be served naked. I explained, no dressing please.

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Me: I just got the results of my genetic testing, and I'm shocked.

Dad: Hi shocked, I'm dad.

Me: No, you're not.

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I actually had anxiety for so long I went to a psychiatrist. And I said to the guy, 'I'm constantly anxious. What do I do?'

He told me I had obsessive-compulsive disorder.

I was shocked. I had to call him nine times to make sure he was certain.

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A woman goes to the store to buy a loaf of bread and a gallon of milk. The cashier guesses that she is single and she is shocked. She asks how he knew

He said it's because she's ugly

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"I've been wishing for a girlfriend."

"Trust me, in 5 years, I'll get a girl!" the man said to his mates.

They laughed and sputtered, "In your dreams!"

5 years later, they were shocked when he actually did have a girl holding his hands.

"How?"

"What, you forgot I was a fortune teller?"

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I turned around to see that my best friend had stabbed me with a pen,

I was shocked and said to him,
“G2 Brute?”

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When I found out my toaster wasn't waterproof...

I was shocked

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A man comes home exhausted after a long day of work.

A man comes home exhausted after a long day of work and finds his wife half-asleep on the bed. He taps her on the shoulder and is surprised to see her jump on top of him. The man then proceeds to have the most passionate intercourse of his life.

About an hour later, the man decides to leave his wife to go into the master bathroom for a break. After entering the bathroom, he is shocked


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A wife is giving her husband head while he's driving...

When all of a sudden his phone rings and the call goes to the cars bluetooth. The call is from the wife's sister who says in a sultry voice,

"When are you going to be free from the bitch? I misss yoouu daaddyy".

So the wife bites off her husband's cock and throws it out the window.

The cock hits the windshield of a family, husband, wife,


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I was shocked when I walked into my bank today and saw Groot there in shirt and tie.

He had just been named branch manager.

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A man and his wife are making love when the hear something at the door

It’s their young son. He’s horrified by what he sees and runs out of the room. The man says to his wife “I’ll handle this”.

He walks to his sons room and opens the door, and is shocked by what he sees. The son is on top of Grandma, just giving her the business. Really pounding her.

He turns his head and looks back at his dad and says “n


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I cleaned my electric fence this morning.

I was shocked that I was able to get it fully clean.

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When I was a child, my moms nickname for me was Exclamation Point.

She was shocked I wasn’t a period.

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I met this girl Mary on tinder and took her to an all you can eat buffet

I knew it wasn't going to work out when she told me she was a vegetarian so I decided to go down with guns blazing.

She came back with her salad to find me with my plate loaded up with every type of meat I could get my hands on.

I was shocked, though pleasantly surprised, when she asked for a bite of my kabab.

Mary had a little lamb.


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Today I found out that my toaster wasn't waterproof.

I was shocked.

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There once was a punk kid who would always ask his mother to use her car so he could hang with his friends.

"I need the car, Ma." He would say.

"Your brother is using it for work." She would always reply.

His brother was an up and coming comedian who was always going around to open mic nights trying to make a name for himself. Since he was working so hard, their mom tended to favor lending her car to the brother instead.

One day, the punk kid wa


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I was shocked when I arrived home and saw the babysitter outside the front of the house smoking a cigarette.

I asked him what he was thinking.

He said that was always what he did after sex.

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Wife threatened to leave me

My wife threatened to leave me because of my “filthy and disgusting habits.”

I was so shocked I nearly choked on my toenails.

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A Chinese guy in the U.S. goes to exchange his currency.

He exchanges C¥10,000 and gets US$1,500.

The next day, he exchanges another C¥10,000, but gets only US$1,499. He asks why.

The exchange clerk shrugs. “Fluctuations.”

The Chinese guy is shocked for a moment, and yells back, “Fluctuamelicans!”

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People are usually shocked when I tell them I'm not a very good electrician.

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I was eating at a restaurant and decided to try a dish I'd never had before. I was quite shocked when I found out that the meal was just a small plant with thick, fleshy leaves. But don't worry...

...it was succulent.

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Shocked to discover my masseur sold the rights to footage of our sessions.

I’m told it will be a neck-fix exclusive.

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There was a man who was a massive tractor fan

Absolutely huge, he loved tractors more than anything in the world. But one day after an unfortunate accident he could no longer ride his favourite tractors. A few years later he was coming home from the bar with his friends to find his house filled with smoke. He took one big breath and blew all the smoke out of his house. His friend shocked, asked: “blimey, how’d you do that” a


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I'm not sure why everyone is so shocked at Apple's $1000 monitor stand

Just seems like typical Apple grandstanding to me

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While working on the house, I realized that I am a terrible electrician even with small projects

Everyone was shocked by what I did to the light switch.

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A Nurse walked into the doctor's clinic

She saw this guy on all fours bent down in front of the doctor butt naked and the doctor I'd frivolously fingering the patients ass.

The nurse was shocked and yelled, " Doctor.. What the hell are you doing? "

Doctor: "I'm making him puke."

Nurse: "By fingering his ass? "

Doctor: "Yeah.. Now I'm


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A friend of mine asked what my IQ was...

I told him it was 60. He was pretty shocked, but I'm not worried. I was tested in Celsius.

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A reporter goes to Appalachia

to write a piece on the hardship of rural life. He goes to the bar and asks a guy to tell him some stories about the hard life he's lived.

The guy says, "One time a buddy's wife went missing in the woods so we had to form a search party for her. By the time we found her it was dark and we had to spend the night in the woods. We brought a bunch of moonshine with us and


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I dont know why people get so shocked

when they find out i’m a bad electrician.

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Locals shocked as a man dies from 1 Monster energy drink.

Locals less shocked when they find that Kyle shot it at him with a T-shirt gun

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A horse walks into a bar.

The shocked bartender points a finger his way in alarm and yells, “Hey!”


The horse says, “You read my mind, buddy.”

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A husband and wife are out to dinner for their anniversary...

The husband raises his glass and toasts “To 50 wonderful years together. It may not have always been easy, but I have always loved you and been honest with you, and I hope you have always loved and been honest with me as well”

The wife replies, “Well, remember when we were first married and you lost your job? Well, I went down to the bank and slept with the broker in


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When my local barber got arrested for dealing drugs, I was shocked.

I’d been a customer for years and had know idea he was a barber.

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I was so shocked to find out Lance Armstrong won all his Tour de France titles while he was on drugs

Last time I took drugs I couldn’t even find my bike

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I confessed to my family I am not actually an electrician.

My sister was shocked.

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A Man's wife dies and at the funeral...

He is standing beside the coffin giving a speach about how much he loved her, thinking about all the good times they had together. When he was done he started to walk off, only to notice that he was pitching a tent big enough to house. His family is shocked and they all gasp, to which he replies

"It's just mourning wood"


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