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Jokes

Why wouldnt the shrimp share his treasure?

>!Because he was a little shellfish.!<

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Amazon joke

What do you call two monkeys who share a Prime account?

Primates.

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3 tomatoes are walking down the street

Papa tomato, Mama tomato and Baby tomato. As the three of them walk, Papa tomato notices that Baby tomato can't keep up with the pace of his parents. So he turns around, walks over to him and says, "Ketchup."


From pulp fiction. Literally just saw the part in which this joke being told and had to share.


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25 reasons why beer is better then a woman

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If Platelets could play music, what instrument would they use?

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Your mama is old...

She used to share a corner with Mary Magdalen.




(Came up with it while camping with my folks. Can't believe I said that outloud, I'm church going, born again Christian lol)

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Reddit should rename 'share' to 'spreddit', 'delete' to 'shreddit' and 'karma' to 'creddit'. Yet they haven't. I don't geddit.

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Y'all wanna hear a joke about construction?

**Sorry but I'm still working on it unfortunately.**

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Heard this joke for the first time ever today and thought it was very funny. May be old and boring but it was fun to me at least and hope it will be for other people too. :) I do like the longer jokes more myself but really just wanted to share this one :D Hope you th


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Republican Steve King: if not for incest and rape would there be any population left?

Do you want to share something with us?

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Assbook

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Hospitals are weird...

When you donate one liver they call you a hero
But when you donate five they call the police



Sry if stolen saw it somewhere once idk where
Wanted to share Cheers!

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It doesn't matter how badly you pronounce Bentagit Kamdbrbsktkch

We will always know who you are talking about

(a variation of this might have been posted before at some point, but my girlfriend told me this after seeing The Reichenbach Fall, and I had a good laugh, so I wanted to share)

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My dick may not be twelve inches...

But it sure smells like a foot.

Heard that from an old tugboat captain today and I had to share.

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Ok I've seen this one before but I wanted to share this

Britian: Knock Knock
Scotland:Whos there?
Britian: Independence
Scotland: Independence who
Britian: Independenceyourneverget

And I've seen

Sco: Tell me a joke
Brit: Independence
Sco: I don't get it
Brit: Yeah because your never get it

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A guy walks up to me and starts talking about this and that and asks if I know anyone transgender,

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Things got pretty psycotic during my divorce. Worked out fairly amicable in the end though and me and my ex decided to share 5050 custody of the kids..

I got the top halves.

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What do you call a majority of the market share in the north east?

You have a MAINEopoly

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Hey guys. I am so happy and proud of myself and i thought i should share with you!! Today i saw myself on TV

When I turned it off!

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A Communist and a Socialist walk in to a bar

one says to the other, "Wanna share a drink?"

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A young man with 3 testicles goes to see a doctor

The man is really self-conscious about having 3 testicles, and he's afraid it can badly affect his health if he doesn't get himself checked, so he decides to see a doctor. However, he reckons that seeing a female doctor would be very awkward so he makes sure it is a male doctor he's seeing

**Man:** doctor, I have a very rare condition but I'm too embarrassed to sa


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Mickey meets with his lawyer to discuss getting a divorce from Minnie

The lawyer looks over Mickey's requested divorce terms for the house no alimony.

"Mickey I just don't think you have a case you can't divorce Minnie just because she's a little odd"


"I didn't say she was odd I said she was fucking Goofey"*




*read or share in Mickey's voice to hugely


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I told this joke to a few friends awhile back and thought it was good enough to share, kinda NSFW though.

What did one Lesbian Vampire say to the other?

“Same time next month?”

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Sharing...



An elderly couple stands at the counter at the local burger joint. The man orders a deluxe burger, large fries, and a cup of decaf. The counter clerk turns to the woman and asks her what she would like.

“Oh, nothing for me, deary. My husband and I share everything.'”

The clerk hits a key on the register and tells the couple that the co


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Dinosaur joke

What do you call a dinosaur who can control thunder?


Brachio-thor-rus


Sorry I thought of this and had to share, to find out if I had read it here or if it's the rarity of an original-ish joke

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My sister told me this disgusting incest joke that I unfortunately can't share

We prefer to keep it in the family.

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What's the worst thing about twenty eight year olds?

They all have to share a room at Jeffrey Epstein's apartment

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Debates on social media in 2019

person 1: *posts status, sharing their opinion and asking others to share their opinion*

me: I don’t agree with your opinion, here’s why I feel the way that I do

person 1: *bashes me for my opinion*

me: *breathes*

**battle song begins & keyboard warriors unite**

person 2 on their friendlist: Y U nO agree¿ <


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Debates on social media in 2019

person 1: posts status, sharing their opinion and asking others to share their opinion

me: I don’t agree with your opinion, here’s why I feel the way that I do

person 1: *bashes me for my opinion*

me: *breathes*

person 2 on their friendlist: Y U nO agree¿

literally nobody:

person 1: WHY ARE YOU SO ANG


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Did you hear about the shy fisherman who was reluctant to share his mollusci?

He was conch shellfish.

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My twin brother, who I share a room with, was born with a condition where he emits a beeping sound when around someone he'd like to fuck.

Also the smoke alarm in my house is broken and I haven't slept well in years.

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What do you call two monkeys who share an Amazon account?

Prime mates

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I miss my wife

I chat with my internet friends

Me: I miss my wife

Friend 1: Is everything ok?

Friend 2: You can share what happened to us if you want

Me: Everything is fine

Friend 1: Where is she now?

Me: at the toilet

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What do you call 2 monkeys who share an Amazon account?

Prime mates


Credit: dad jokes from insta

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My roommate is very untidy and never cleans the place. I finally snapped and told him he needed to do his share

His response: “If I could turn back time, If I could find a way….”

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What do you get when a french horn player, a tuba player, a trombone player and 2 trumpet players share a toilet at the same time?

An ass quintet.

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I work in an organisation as someone who approaches to people on the streets, ask them to share their credit card numbers with me and promise the extinction of humanity if they don't cooperate.

I have to say, it's difficult being a fundraiser in an environmental NGO.

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Why don't crabs share?

Because they're shellfish.

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Your mama is so fat

that Aladdin has to share a whole new world with her.

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I ride share to work regularly, but if I'm in the backseat when we go through a tunnel I have a massive anxiety attack.

My doctor diagnosed me with Carpool Tunnel Syndrome.

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My brother wanted to share his original joke with you guys so here we go...

You guys wanna see my invisible jet, well you can’t

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Dark history joke (fugget about it)

Two men go to cuba for a vacation. They are sitting along side a pool.
guy one " hey want to go for a dip in the pool"
guy two " nah too many fat german tourist in the pool"
guy one "Hey it's the bay of pigs"

This joke made me laugh so hard I had to share even though it's from a tv show.


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Two little boys stole a big bag of oranges from a neighbor and decided to go to a quiet place to share the lot equally.

Two little boys stole a big bag of oranges from a neighbor and decided to go to a quiet place to share the lot equally. One of them suggested the nearby cemetery. As they were jumping over the gate to enter the cemetery, two oranges fell out of the big bag but they didn't bother to pick them up since they had enough in the bag. Few minutes later, a drunkard on his way from a bar, passed near


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Please post your best dad jokes for everyone to share on this glum Fathers Day.

At least it’s glum where I’m at in Illinois.

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Why did the hen share her crayons with the rooster?

So the cock could doodle too

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Why does a chicken coup have 2 doors?




If it had 5 doors it would be a chicken sedan!

(Heard this joke a month ago and I'm still laughing it's so dumb, so I had to share)

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What do you call a bear with no teeth?

A gummy bear

(My girlfriend told me this and I thought I'd share)

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A meteor exploded as it flew narrowly by Earth..

Bolides streaked across the sky, peppering cities and deserts with smouldering fragments.

&amp;nbsp;

After addressing the inevitable loss of life, extensive property damage and the smashing of tens of thousands of mirrors, we gathered up the fragments from the craters where they lay. Scientists concluded that they were made from an ancient, inexplicable materia


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My mom is a lesbian

There's no joke I just wanted to share that.

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What trait do autistic people and leprechauns share?

They're both on the spectrum

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What do you do when youre masturbating but get tired?

You take a masturbreak.

(I thought of this at like 4am last night and laughed out loud at myself and just really wanted to share)

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