Shaken

Jokes

A guy walks into a bar in LA and orders a martini shaken

Im sorry

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

Crazy

A guy went to visit his girlfriend's parents to ask for her hand in marriage. Her father said, "Okay, but just to warn you, there's a long history of insanity in my family. My daughter shows no signs of it, but who knows about the future or any children you might have."

Somewhat shaken up, the guy said he had to leave and would think it over. The mom walked h


read more
UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

Bond walks into a bar.

Barkeep: What's you poison of choice tonight?
Mr. Bond: Give me a martini. Shaken, not stirred.
Barkeep: That would take too long. May I suggest some potassium cyanide?

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

A turtle and the snails

A turtle is crossing the road when he’s mugged by two snails. When the police show up, they ask him what happened. The shaken turtle replies, “I don’t know. It all happened so fast.”

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

I was diagnosed with early onset parkinsons today

I'm still a bit shaken

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

There was an earthquake where I live last night

I'm pretty shaken up about it

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

Im sure my wife wont like this

While riding my motorbike, I swerved to avoid hitting a deer, lost control and landed in a ditch, severely banging my head.

Dazed and confused I crawled out of the ditch to the edge of the road when a shiny new convertible pulled up with a very beautiful woman who asked, "Are you okay?"

As I looked up, I noticed she was wearing a low-cut blouse with cleavage to


read more
UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

Sean Connery walks into a bar.

The bartender asks: "So was that a martini, shaken, not stirred?"

Sean Connery replies: "No you fool! I ashked you where your toilets were. I'm 88 years old, I have incontinensh for god shakes!"

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

What did James Bond say when he didn't want the bar man to look at his drink too long?

"Vodka martini, shaken not stared."

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

What did James Bond say when he didn't want the bar man to look at his drink too long?

"Vodka martini, shaken not stared."

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

The helping nurse

While riding my bike, to avoid hitting another vehicle, I lost control and landed in a ditch, severely banging my head. I crawled out of the ditch to the edge of the road when, a very beautiful woman who asked, "Are you okay?"
As I looked up, I noticed, she wants to help me.. "I'm okay I think," I replied as I pulled myself up to the side of the car to get a closer


read more
UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

Almost every hand you have ever shaken...

... has held a dick in it.

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

A Cowboy walks into a bar...

Two steps in, he realizes it's a gay bar. But what the heck," he says to himself, "I really want a drink."
When the gay waiter approaches, he says to the cowboy, "What's the name of your penis?" The cowboy says, "Look, I'm not into any of that, All I want is a drink." The gay waiter says, "I'm sorry but I can't serve you until


read more
UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

James Bond sits down at a hotel bar and orders a martini.

“Shaken not stirred,” he says.

The bar tender makes him his drink, and after one sip, Bond exclaims,

“This is the best martini that I’ve ever had!”

“I’m just glad you asked for it to be shaken, and not stirred. That’s the only way I can make them,” the bar tender says.

“Why’s t


read more
UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

I ran into your mom on the street the other day...

You should probably check in on her. She seemed a little shaken after the accident.

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

Three old ladies get pulled over by the cops

The officer said “ma’am are you aware you’re going 17 on a highway?”

The lady driving said “yes I’m going the speed limit!”

The officer explained what’s wrong then proceeds to ask “why are the ladies in the back so shaken up?

The lady driving says “we just got off highway 120!”


read more
UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

After an earthquake, my friend called to ask if everyone was alright.

"Everyone's fine, just shaken."

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

A friend came over visibly shaken. He said he had just slept with his 3rd cousin...

I told him, if it upsets you that much quit counting them

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

My friend looked completely shaken. He said that he had just slept with his 3rd cousin.

I said, “If it upsets you so much, stop counting them.”

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

How do you describe someone who can't wake up during a nightmare?

Shaken not stirred.

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

What does snoop dogg say when he opens a soda can that has been shaken?

What the fizzy?

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

Carjacking

An elderly woman did her shopping and, upon returning to her car, found four males in the act of leaving with her vehicle. She dropped her shopping bags, drew her handgun, and proceeded to scream at them at the top of her voice, "I have a gun and I know how to use it! Get out of the car, you scumbags!"

The four men didn't wait for a second invitation but got out and ran


read more
UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

A job applicant was nervous for his interview

The interviewer asked the first question, "What are your weaknesses?"

The applicant, in his anxiousness, blurted out, "I can never come to work on time, I'm always behind deadlines, I am very disagreeable, I may sleep on the job, my reports would be dreadful..."

About 5 minutes more of this, the interviewer, obviously shaken up, gathered his compo


read more
UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

What is the epileptic bartender's signature drink?

Vodka martini, shaken not stirred

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

One morning I woke up lying on the floor next to my bed. I realised there must have been an earthquake that night........

I was shaken, but not stirred :p

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

Why does Michael J Fox make martinis shaken and not stirred?

Because he's got Parkinson's disease... duh.

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

Talk about a type-cast...

Why did James Bond hire a bartender with Parkinson's?

... Every drink was shaken, not stirred.

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

He got Lucky on women's day

A professor walks in to a class. He has a hypothesis. He claims the people who have sex most often are the happiest.
To prove, he divides the class in to three groups. People having sex once a month are put to one corner. They are the least happy. People having sex once a week are put to another corner. They are slightly happier. And finally people having sex more than once a week are put to


read more
UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

Michael J. Fox was in a car crash...

...a bystander ran up to check if he was ok. "Yeah..." Michael said "I'm just a little shaken up"

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

THE BIG CRASH

It is the middle of the night in the middle of nowhere, two cars both slightly cross over the white line in the centre of the road. They collide and a fair amount of damage is done, miraculously neither driver is hurt.

They both get out. One is a doctor, one is a lawyer. The lawyer calls the police on his cell phone and they say they will be there within 20 minutes.

It&rs


read more
UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

My grandmother was just diagnosed with Parkinson's disease

She looks pretty shaken up about it

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

White guy goes to prison... (NSFW)

To his dismay, he's put in a cell with a very large black man. After a few moments of silence, the black man says in a deep, booming voice, "There's one thing we gotta get straight right now if we're gonna be in this cell together. We gots to figure out who's gonna be the husband and who's gonna be the wife. I'll let you decide."

The white gu


read more
UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

Why is James Bond a terrible motivational speaker?

Because the audiences are shaken, not stirred.

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

Why did James Bond higher a man with Parkinson's to be his butler?

He likes his drinks shaken, not stirred.

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

Why does James Bond like Michael J Fox?

Because he always gets his martini shaken, not stirred.

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

A mugged turtle..

A turtle is crossing the road when he’s mugged by two snails. When the police show up, they ask him what happened. The shaken turtle replies, “I don’t know. It all happened so fast.”

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

What does James Bond say after a heavy workout?

I would like to have Whey. Shaken, not stirred.

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

James Bond goes down to breakfast at a hotel

The hotel manager asks, "How was your wake up call, sir?"

"It was rather rude!" Bond replies, grumpily.

"Oh no! Would you care to elaborate so we make sure not to make the same mistake again?" The manager asks.

"Well I was shaken, not stirred!"

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

What's the best way to prepare baby food?

Shake'n bake.

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

A black guy, a white guy, and another white guy walk into a bar...

They go up to the bar all next to each other and the black guy says: "I'll have a martini, shaken, not stirred." The first white guy says: "I'll have a martini, stirred, not shaken." The second white guy says: "I'll have a martini, shaken, not stirred"

Now the black guy and the second white guy look at each other and get together saying: &q


read more
UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

Two Jews walk into a bar..

When they wake up from the accident. One of the jews turns to the other one and says, "you nicked your head." The Jew gets up still shaken, pats the other jew on the head and retorts, "where?"

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

Two men went ice fishing

And walked out into the middle of the large sheet of ice and started drilling their hole.

From out of nowhere, a loud, booming voice proclaimed "There are no fish in there!"

The two guys stopped, looked at each other, picked up their equipment, moved to a different spot and started drilling again.

The voice returned, "There are no fish in the


read more
UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

Michael J. Fox Got into a Car Accident Recently...

He was really shaken up about it.

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

I'm still a bit shaken up. I was involved in a violent mugging this morning.

On the plus side I did make $43 and I think the watch looks really good on me.

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

A turtle is crossing the road when hes mugged by two snails. When the police show up, they ask him what happened. The shaken turtle replies, I dont know. It all happened so fast.

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

Ted found out today that he has Parkinson's

He's pretty shaken up about it

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

What's the name of your Penis? (nsfw)

A man walks into a bar and two steps in he realizes it's a gay bar but decides, "What the heck, I really want a drink." When the waiter approaches he says to the customer, "What's the name of your penis?"
The customer says, "Look, I'm not into any of that. All I want is a drink."
The gay waiter says, "I'm sorry but I can't


read more
UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

How did Marty McFly react when shown what 2015 would really look like?

Gee, it's hard to say, although he did seem pretty shaken up about it.

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

James Bond love Michael J. Fox's martinis.

They're shaken, not stirred.

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

Why can't Michael J. Fox have his favorite drink?

Because his favorite drink is a Vodka Martini, stirred, not shaken.

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE
LOAD MORE