Shake

Jokes

Why do women fart when theyre done peeing?

They cant shake it, so they blowdry!

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Whats the Difference between a baby and a Maraca?

A baby stops making noise after you shake it

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What do you call a man from New York having an epileptic fit?

The Harlem Shake.

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How do tectonic plates greet each other when they meet?

They shake lands.

Source: u/slr162

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How do tectonic plates greet each other?

They shake lands

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A magician is traveling through Europe performing his flashy brand of fountain-pen magic.

He sells out shows in Paris, London, Berlin, Prague, and Amsterdam. People begin calling him "Bic Jesus"

Everywhere he went, crowds would gather to see him perform his Montblanc mastery. Men wanted to be him, and women wanted to be with him.

This all changed one fateful spring day. The magician arrived in Barcelona to perform the last show in this seasons tou


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Andre 3000 walks into a building

Instantly he begins to shiver.

"It's freezing!"

He walks over to the clerk and chatters "Hey man, it's cooler than cool in here. What's with that?"

With a puzzled look, the clerk thinks for a moment and then points to a sign on the wall. 'We Speak Pig-latin.' The cleck motions for Andre to speak.

"


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What's your favorite type of shake?

Chocolate, vanilla, or Parkinson's?

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Men vs Women

A man asked his wife what she'd like for her 40th birthday. "I'd love to be six again," she replied.

On the morning of her birthday, he got her up bright and early and off they went to a local theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park: the Death Slide, the Screaming Loop, the Wall of Fear, everything there was! Wow! Five hours later she stagger


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What do you call a person from NY that is having a seizure ?

A harlem shake.

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Why do women like older gynocologists?

Their hands shake.

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A condom can be reused.

Just turn it inside out and shake the fuck out of it.

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No matter how much you shake it, the last drop will be mine

~ underwear

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Why do Michael J Fox and Taylor Swift have in common?

They both shake it off.

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NSFW How do you recycle a condom?

Turn it inside out and shake the fuck out of it.

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Did you hear about Dolly Parton's husband becoming a professional sperm doner?

* He's jerkin' 9 to 5, what a way to make a living.

​

(I made this up and i'm kinda proud' feel free to spread it around the globe try it on your friend / spouse now and tell me if it got a smile / laugh - or a slow head shake and a sigh)

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What do you call a body builder with Parkinsons?

A protein shake

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Ed and Ted were standing at the urinals in a public lavatory

when Ed glanced over and noticed that Ted’s penis was twisted like a corkscrew. “Blimey,” Ed said. “I’ve never seen one like that before.”

“Like what?” Ted said.

“All twisted like a pigs tail,” Ed said.

“Well what’s yours like?” Ted said.

“Well straight like norm


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Ed and Ted were standing at the urinals in a public lavatory

when Ed glanced over and noticed that Ted’s penis was twisted like a corkscrew. “Blimey,” Ed said. “I’ve never seen one like that before.”

“Like what?” Ted said.

“All twisted like a pigs tail,” Ed said.

“Well what’s yours like?” Ted said.

“Well straight like norm


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The husband was cuddling close to his wife and decided to grab her ass...

Suddenly the urge comes over him to jiggle it a bit. His wife turns around and asks what he is doing.

"I thought it felt just like a shake weight"

Coroner report verified cause of death: strangulation.

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Doc, how do I stop that post-per dribble?

Dan goes to his doctor and tells him "doctor every time I take a pee, my cock drips for ages afterward; it's bloody embarrassing. I shake it and shake it, then tuck it in my pants and as i walk out the door theres a wet patch showing through my pants in no time " The Doctor replies "Dan, lay down on the bed and pull your trousers down, I have a cure that will help you and your


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What do you call a milkman from Arab?

Milk shake.

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How do you make a milk shake?

Sneak up behind it and say "Boo!"

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Instead of shaking hands and kissing babies, politicians should

Kiss hands and shake babies

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Today I had a job interview.

I was so nervous, I dropped my folder when I went to shake the interviewer's hand.

When I went to pick up the folder, I dropped it again.

When I went to pick it up the second time, I dropped my water bottle and got myself wet.

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Velma asking scooby to shake his ass

Scooby: No

VELMA: W o U l D y O u D o I t F o R A s C o O b Y S n A c c

Scooby: *proceeds to violently shake ass*

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No matter how much you shake it

It’s still water.

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The year is 2219. Aliens visit Earth for the first time.

“Welcome to Earth, Mr. Alien! Let me shake your hand!”

“Woah there, human! Who told you this is my hand?”

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Whenever theres an earthquake bodies in graves shake around like maracas

Heeey macarena!

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Why is an A-gel and a dick the same?

You got to shake them both to get out the ink.

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I really cant stand it when homeless guys shake their cups of money at me.

Do they really have to rub it in that they’ve got more cash than I do?

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Why did Ted Bundy keep a blender under his porch?

So he could great his guests with a hand shake.

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Did you know there's a company in Ohio that recycles used condoms?

They shake the fuck out of them.

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Three men at a class about etiquette...

...are asked how they would tell a woman on a first date that they need to use the bathroom.

The first one shrugs. "Easy. I just tell her: Sorry, but I gotta go to the toilet."
The teacher shakes his head disapprovingly. "No, no, way too blunt."

The second one goes: "Well, everyone has to go sometimes and it's time for me."


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Happy 420! Why did the farmer give dank gummies to his chicken with Parkinsons?

Because chicken is better with shake and bake.

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I've got a great idea for a NBA themed Fast Food restaurant. I call it...

Shake-Shaq

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Mom, what's a dark joke?

"Well son, you see that war vet with no arms over there? Go thank him for his service and ask to shake his hand."

"Moooooom you know I'm blind"

"Exactly son, exactly"

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I think we've all learned something

(Interior, day time. A group of people are sitting on chairs in a circle, clearly a support group for grief or addiction.)

*Instructor*: "Recovery can be tough. Even scary. It seems like a lot to take on. But you don't have to jump in all at once. You can just stick your toe in. Just stick your left foot in. And when it seems like you can't take any more, you take your


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How do you find a Muslim?

Shake a Jew.

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The three shake rule.

So women... men have this thing called a penis, ever heard of it? Well when we piss, we have to shake it afterwards. I always follow the three shake rule and it is exactly what it sounds like. But the problem is that a lot of guys don’t use it and they end up looking like they just pissed themselves so if you ever see a guy who has that face when he just got a boner in public right after he


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One last question, said the job interviewer.

“What would you say your biggest weakness is?”

The interviewee thinks for a moment, smiles confidently, and says “I never know when to quit, sir.”

The interviewer chuckles. “Well, I must say, I’m very impressed with your resume and skillset. I’m happy to welcome you aboard!”

The two men stand up and shake han


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I really hate it when beggars shake their coin jar at me

I know you have more money than me, you don’t have to be a dick about it!

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The hunt for bears

One day two friends decided to go hunting bears, they had all the equipment and they were ready to go.
After they got to the forest the first friend said:

"Should we have a plan for this? How will we find a bear?"

"That's easy.. We have our gun, we have our dog and we have our trailer to carry the bear back."

"Okay but what


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Whats the difference between a Republican and a staunch Republican?


A staunch Republican is one who never washes his hands after using the restroom on the off chance he’ll get to shake Nancy Pelosi’s hand.

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Why did the cow do jumping jacks?

She wanted a milk shake

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A newlywed farmer and his wife were visited by her mother, who immediately demanded an inspection of the place. While they were walking through the barn, the farmer's mule suddenly reared up and kicked the mother-in-law, unfortunately killing her instantly.



At the funeral service, the farmer stood near the casket and greeted folks as they walked by. The pastor noticed that whenever a woman would whisper something to the farmer, he would nod his head "yes" and say something. Whenever a man walked by and whispered to the farmer, he would shake his head "no" and mumble a reply.

Curious, the pastor later as


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My wife who has Parkinson's said she wanted to shake things up.

I was extremely confused

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A magician is traveling through Europe performing his flashy new fountain-pen act

He sells out shows in Paris, London, Berlin, Prague, and Amsterdam. People begin calling him 'bic' Jesus.

Everywhere he went, crowds would gather to see him perform his Montblanc mastery. Men wanted to be him, and women wanted to be with him.

This all changed one fateful spring day. The magician arrived in Barcelona to perform the last show in this seasons to


read more
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A magician is traveling through Europe performing his daring new fountain pen act.

He sells out shows in Paris, London, Berlin, Prague, and Amsterdam. People begin calling him 'bic' Jesus.

Everywhere he went, crowds would gather to see him perform his Montblanc mastery. Men wanted to be him, and women wanted to be with him.

This all changed one fateful spring day. The magician arrived in Barcelona to perform the last show in this seasons to


read more
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When you're on a date, how do you politely tell a lady that you need to go to the bathroom?

"Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, who I hope to introduce you to after dinner."

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