Sexual

Jokes

A religious zealot, a vehement racist and a sexual predator walk into a bar and order a beer...

"Right away, Mr. President" says the bartender.

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Why cant you ask a Welshman to count how many sexual partners hes had?

Because they always fall asleep halfway through.

[Stolen from Jimmy Carr]

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Today I learned that the average person has 8 different sexual partners in their lifetime..

Today I also learned that I am a whore

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Who was the knight appointed a trusted advisor for sexual positions in King Arthur's court?

Circumstance.

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I told my boyfriend I was bi-sexual....

He *buys* me food, and I'll get *sexual*.

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A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush.

Anyone else confused by these new sexual metaphors?

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What do you call a bi-sexual woman who likes to sleep around?

An omniwhore

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A woman, on a blind date with a stockbroker, asked her companion what his favorite stage of human development is, what she should be doing in the stock market, what his sexual orientation is, and about his preferred way to end a conversation. His answers left her feeling very in sync with him.

"Baby, buy, bi, bye."

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A woman, on a blind date with a stockbroker, asked her companion what his favorite stage of human development is, what she should be doing in the stock market, what his sexual orientation is, and about his preferred way to end a conversation. His answers left her feeling very in synch with him.

"Baby, buy, bi, bye."

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Tragedy in the news today as the Energizer bunny was found dead

The cause of death was determined to be sexual exhaustion. Someone put his batteries in backwards, and instead of going and going, he kept coming and coming

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What do you call the fear of being wrongly accused of sexual assault?

Copafeelia

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What do you call an intellectual sexual?

A fucking know-it-all!

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A study shows that 100 of Redditors have a sexual experience, in their life.

Apparently, everyone in here, just circlejerks everyone else.

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A man asked a random women to be the pilot in his cockpit.

Turns out it was a sexual joke.

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Panda and the Prostitute

A panda spent the night in bed with a prostitute. The following morning as he is about ready to leave, the prostitute yells after him, "Hey, aren't you going to pay me?"

The panda appears confused, so she throws a dictionary at him and tells him to look up 'prostitute.'

The definition reads: 'A woman who engages in promiscuous sexual activity


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Nobody should be ashamed of what their sexual kink is, unless your kink is being humiliated.

Then you should be very ashamed you nasty little pervert.

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Why did the Scotsman kill his sexual partner?

Because the mutton prices were high.

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Why is the birthrate in Canada declining?

Because Canadian's are eh-sexual.

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My favorite sexual experience was ISIS

Its when your Sis came after me.

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A maths teachers sexual fantasy?

3 sums.

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I've been diagnosed with sick sexual fantasies and today I read that Trump comes to El Paso.

Who's the one with sick sexual fantasies now?

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Kenny Rodgers has a problem. OC

Kenny Rodgers is convinced his wife is having an affair with their GP.
Every time she comes back home, she's much more sprightly, excitable and quivers to the touch.
Being a man that's fairly vanilla in the bedroom, seldom trying to spice things up and the missionary position's best friend, he decides to sneak into the surgery and hide in his doctor's cupboard befor


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Ive just started a sexual relationship with a blind woman.

It’s very rewarding, but quite challenging. It took me ages to get her husband’s voice right.

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Can someone make a joke about Djibouti for my informative speech for school

Not too sexual or i might get in trouble..

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The beach thought he had crabs.

He went to the sexual health clinic to be shore.

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Most women are bi

It’s your job to figure out if it’s polar or sexual.

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Are you a girl?

Because that is the gender I would most likely prefer to have sexual intercourse with.

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A young Irish boy goes to church one Saturday to attend confession.

"forgive me father for I have sinned. It has been 2 weeks since my last confession". Father says, "what sins have you committed against god, for which you need absolution"? "Well, last week, I had sexual relations with a young lady father". Father immediately gets angry and says, "Michael O'Malley, you'll tell me right now who the young lady was".


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Was exploring sexual fetishes

With my girlfriend. I was sitting on the edge of the bed debating whether or not to do it. My girlfriend looked at me and said "look urine or your out". I left after that. Now I know I'm not into that.

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Why did the gay man decide to change sexual orientation?

He was so over the rainbow.

(before my mailbox gets flooded, I know: it's not a decision, it just is what it is; and so this is also what it is: some kind of attempt at a joke).

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How do you call the Star Wars character that has a lot of sexual fetishes?

Jar Jar Kinks.

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My pastor preached today that being gay is a choice.

I just can’t bi into that.


(My first joke at the risk of being downvoted into oblivion because I think that sexual orientation is not a choice.)

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Which sexual position produces the ugliest children?

Ask your mother

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Which sexual position produces the ugliest children

Ask your mother

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You know, those inconvenient people that like to invite themselves to your house must really have a bad sexual performance

Because they keep coming without notice

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I was recently arrested for a sexual act involving a portable charger.

The police were convinced it was a case of ass-out and battery.

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What's the most sexual soda?

Mount 'n Do

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What is mushroom sexual entertainment called?

Sporn.

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A 95 year old man was founded not guilty of sexual assault...

He was however arraigned with charges of assault with a dead weapon

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Do you know what sexual position makes the ugliest babies?

Ask your parents

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When the DJ at a club played "Jump," we all jumped.

When he played "Come On Eileen," we all ended up with a court date for sexual assault.

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Yo mamas so stupid...

she filed a sexual harassment complaint with the police department because the officer that pulled her over told her she was driving erratically.

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A Politician, Sexual Predator and Criminal walk into a bar

Bartender says "What can I get for you Mr. President?"

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I was trisexual in college.

I kept *trying* to be sexual but nobody was willing to help.

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Who is the oldest sexual offender?

Metoosahlem

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People tell me that therapy will solve my problems with sexual abuse

But there can't be therapy without the-rapist.

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An Englishman asks a Welsh man: How many sexual partners have you had?

The Welshman fell asleep

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Why is that when other people don't take no for an answer, they are hailed as being persevering, showcasing the beauty of human spirit etc, but when I don't take no for an answer

I get reported for sexual harassment

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"My pubic hair stopped growing" said a patient to her gynecologist...

"How many different sexual partners did you have in the past year?"

"Around 20-ish..."

"Well, you wouldn't expect grass to grow on a highway either, would you?"

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My Husband Wants a Threesome

"I dont approve of having a threesome"

"We've been together for 8 years! Why can't we spice things up?"

"A threesome will ruin are marriage and I will just be jealous."

"There's no reason to be jealous! It won't mean anything and I'll wear a condom."

"I said no! I can'


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