Security

Jokes

Back in my day...

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

Saw my friend Jack while going through airport security

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

I flew to Los Angeles today.

Everyone told me that security there would be really strict, but honestly, I thought the whole thing was very LAX.

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

Hundreds of years ago vulgarity was commonplace, people were often drunk before noon, and public urination was not unusual.

At least that's what I tried telling the security guard at the renaissance faire.

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

Art Show

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

I used to sell security alarms door to door, and I was really good at it.

If no one was home, I would just leave a brochure on the kitchen table.

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

I once knew a guy arrested on drug charges, and though he thought he'd get off light, they ended up slapping a bunch of other bogus charges on him, which, added to the fact that his lawyer was one of the worst in the state, eventually led him to being handed a 40 year stint in a max security prison.

That sentence was way too long.

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

Security saw me fingering my girlfriend while on her period in the movie house.

I guess I was caught red handed.

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

Airport security

Recently at the L.A. airport they searched Lady Gaga for three hours. As she was getting OFF the plane!

What bugged her most was, six of the guards were from another airport.

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

Well thats not how you should make wine...

jesus: i can turn water into wine

professor x: sounds great for parties but not sure we need th-

security guard: [drops dead]

jesus: humans are 60% water

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

A photon is going through airport security......

The TSA agent asks if it has any luggage.

The photon says, "No, I am traveling light."

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

If you're being a security guard at Samsung,

does that make the guardian of the galaxies?

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

I just got a new job teaching English at a maximum security prison. It's going to be tough but like any other job out there.....

It'll have its prose and cons.

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

TIL in 2015 three inmates from a maximum security prison beat Harvards debate team.

With their fists.

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

What do you call a airport with poor security checks?

LAX

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

What kind of security do they hire for metal concerts?

Coppers

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

Building a wall and more border security will keep illegal drugs out of America.

Just like it does for prison.

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

My penis was in Guinness book of World records

Then the librarian told me that i had to take it out before she called security!

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

I used to be able to afford anything I could carry at the store.

But that was before they implemented security cameras.

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

Who is the patron saint of security?

St Francis of a-CCTV

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

A turtle walks into an airport.

He goes to take a seat, and a security guard walks up to him and says, “You’re a turtle; you can’t be in here.”

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

I haven't been on this sub long so I don't know if this is a repost, I heard it a really long time ago from someone

Harvey was visiting his friend Bob for a couple of weeks. A couple days in, Bob and Harvey go out for coffee. As Harvey walks in the door, a man Bob has never seen before walks up to the two of them and says, "Long time no see, Harvey! It's been at least thirty years since we saw each other". Harvey and the man have a conversation for a while, and finally, after they are done, Bob a


read more
UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

I used to sell security alarms door to door, and I was really good at it.

If no one was home, I would just leave a brochure on the kitchen table.

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

At the hospital

- I’m sorry, but by accident we cut your penis...

- What the fuck?! I wan’t to see your boss you piece of sh...

- Calm down, ma’am, or I will need to call the security!

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

Im overweight. So last week I ordered a home delivery diet meal program.

Yesterday I got an email from my bank’s fraud department. “URGENT! Suspicious credit card activity”

I am insulted and impressed by the accuracy of my bank’s security system.

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

What did the security guard say to the hat?

Go on a head!

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

Trump's 4th of July 'Salute to America' has bankrupted Washington D.C's Emergency Planning and Security Fund, which is used to provide police and security support at Presidential events.

This throws uncertainty on whether or not the President will be able to hold the annual Turkey Pardoning Ceremony this November, which is expected to feature a Presidential Pardon for Trumps's close personal friend Jeffrey Epstein.

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

Trump's 4th of July 'Salute to America' has bankrupt Washington D.C's Emergency Planning and Security Fund, which is used to provide police and security support at Presidential events.

This throws uncertainty on whether or not the President will be able to hold the annual Turkey Pardoning Ceremony this November, which is expected to feature a Presidential Pardon for Trumps's close, personal friend Jeffrey Epstein.

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

I have gotten pretty damn good at door to door sales of home security systems

When no one is home, I leave a brochure on the kitchen table.

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

Need Autograph?

If anyone is interested, I'll be signing books tomorrow at Barnes & Noble from 6 pm, until I'm escorted out by security.

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

I tried to carry my board game onto the airplane, but the security said I cant do it.

The Risk was too big.

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

I asked our security specialist, How did the hackers get away?

Miffed, he shrugged and answered, “No idea. They ransomware.”

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

IT security experts have published a list of the 20 most secure passwords.

Reportedly, the first companies are already enforcing their use.

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

And that's when the fight started

My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'
'No,' she answered.
I then said, 'Is that your final answer?'

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."


read more
UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

Airport security agents do a great job preventing people smuggling bombs on their heads...

You've got to take your hat off to them.

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

Two hobos with a sausage walk into a bar.

First one tells the other,

"Let's order a ton of food and drinks. Once we're drunk, I'll whip out this sausage link, and you go under the table and start sucking this thing. When security sees what we're doing, they'll have no choice but to kick us out before we pay."

For the next couple of hours, the hobos drink like never before. And


read more
UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

It really doesn't matter if you lose

...if you're are the best on your team that's money and job security.

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

Years ago, skiing in Andorra,,,,,,

.... we noticed a large group of people skiing down a slope. “What’s that all about?” I asked my friend.
“Oh that’s King Juan Carlos of Spain on holiday and his security team. He’s very friendly, let’s go and say hello!” My friend replied. I said “No when you’ve seen one Carlos you’ve seen them all”.


read more
UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

As a security guard, my Boss said my job is to watch the office

I’m on season 6 so far, and not sure what this has to do with security.

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

A mate of mine had just been hospitalised after taking an 'E'.

The security on Countdown don't mess about.

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

Security question : What was the name of your first grade teacher?

My first grade teacher hacking my bank account : I'm in.

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

The World's worst joke...

In Plymouth there was a large aquarium, it was the pride of the town and had a worldwide reputation. Despite the decline in the fishing industry the tourism from the aquarium had bolstered the economy and prevented the town from slipping into the local recession that had struck many places along the same stretch of coast.

There were long halls full of crabs and eels and creatures


read more
UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

A rather virtuous young couple marry.

The soon-to-be lovers fly immediately after the ceremony to Toronto for their Honeymoon. After a wet (or at least slightly damp) week on the Canadian side of the Falls, the couple returns and settles into their new life.

The following Saturday, the young bride meets her friends for lunch. The self- appointed mature one of the lot, a lady married a full two years prior, presses the ne


read more
UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

My financial security as a millennial in college.


Nope, that’s all there is. It’s a fucking joke.

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

My wife says if this post gets over 1000 upvotes, I get anal.

Please don't, I'm in maximum security.

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

I got detained by airport security when I met Jack on the plane.

Note to self: Never say hi to Jack when you are on the plane.

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

Back in my day I used to be able to go to the store with a dollar and get a bag of chips, 2 chocolate bars and a lollipop

But now they have security cameras

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

I got kicked out of Disneyland earlier today

I guess security wasn’t happy with me sitting on Pinocchio’s face and begging him to tell me lies

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

I've just discovered the cure to Social Anxiety!

Social Security.

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

What do you call a security guard thats works at a Samsung store?

A guardian of the galaxy.

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE
LOAD MORE