Secretly

Jokes

So I made a business where I sell praying mats that are secretly land mines,

And let me tell ya, the prophets are going through the roof.

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Cops said if you dont like cops then next time you're in trouble call a gangster. A guy cussed them out and said ok I will. Later he was a hostage and had just a minute to secretly call someone, so he dialed 911

When they remembered who he is they said I thought we told you to call a gangster.

Thats what I'm doing right now.

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What sort of fruit would two people be that wanted but were unable to get married secretly?

Cantaloupe.

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My husband noticed my unusual behavior lately and finally asked if I'm secretly a pole dancer. A pole dancer!?

Ive never even been to Poland

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Did you hear Attorney General William Barr is secretly gay?

A Barr walks into a guy...

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My wife found out that I've been secretly crosdressing

First I didn't understand her anger but then I realized I've been in her shoes before.

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They say that Christmas is a Pagan holiday, but...

A senior figure secretly dispensing the contents of his sack for every child he can get to sounds pretty Catholic to me.

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I am suspicious that someone in my family has been secretly adding glue to my weapons collection.

Everyone denies it, but I’m sticking to my guns.

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Why was 6 afraid to go camping with 7?

Because he 1ted 2 bring 3 knives 4 "sur5al," but 6 knew 7 secretly h8ed him & didn't have be9 in10tions.

Credit to https://mobile.twitter.com/tweetsauce/status/383972379879153665?lang=en

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Just as I suspected, someone has been secretly adding dirt to my garden

The plot thickens

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If Rihannas secretly shy...

...then I’m secretly a pro basketball center (I’m 5’8).

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I tell my sister that Im secretly left handed but I only use it for sacred activities.

This is especially true when I’m home alone.

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Im secretly addicted to masturbating with soap.

I’m trying to cum clean.

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My wife asked me if i was secretly trans.

So i packed her stuff and left.

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I used to put kumquats all over her melons, it was great. I wanted to run off to the New Zealand with her and secretly marry among the kiwis, but she told me she cantaloupe so I ended it.

No, there is no punch line.

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I am suspicious that my wife secretly adding glue to my weapon collections

She denies it, but I'm sticking to my guns.

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Dont you hate it when youre trying to take a picture secretly but the flash is on?

I went to take a picture of the girl I just fucked, but the flash turned on and they told me photography was banned at the zoo

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I think my daughter secretly love's star wars ...

I found a vibrating light saber under her bed!

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That Dope

I think my wife is secretly selling drugs...this morning I answered the phone and the guy said "Is that dope gone yet?" Hmmm...

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That Dope

I think my wife is secretly selling drugs...this morning I answered the phone and the guy said "Is that dope gone yet?" 🤔

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A friend secretly got famous guitarist Carlos Santana to sign my brand new guitar...

Why the hell would he let someone write on my guitar???

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When I was younger, my mother always used to tuck me in.

I think she secretly wanted a girl

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What do Robert Kraft and Tom Brady have in common?

They both like to secretly get their balls deflated.

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Wouldn't it have been amazing if John Lennon had invented that device that you put in your front door to secretly see who's on the other side?


I mean, imagine all the peepholes!

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I like my coffee like my women.

Someone secretly replaced my woman with Folger's Crystals. I can't tell the difference.

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I found out my friend secretly masturbates while riding the public bus to work...

He’s a daily commuter.

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My dad secretly took a video of me masturbating.

I told him to give me the footage.

He said “45. Same as my hands.”

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I like my women how I like my Netflix subscription.

Overused, shared by my family, secretly used by my friends and neighbors and ignored all night long.

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A guy goes into a craft store and secretly dips his testicles into every glitter box he can find...

It was pretty nuts if you think about it.

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For years I was secretly banging a set of twins. People used to ask me how I could tell them apart. I said its easy, Amanda always paints her nails purple...

and Brian has a cock.

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What cheese secretly rules the world?

The halouminati.

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My wife has been secretly storing plenty of graph paper inside her closet.

I bet she is plotting something against me.

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My friends secretly downloaded a 700MB exe file into my laptop.

I think it's a huge setup.

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I should really be paying more attention to the lives of my co-workers

This morning in the office, we were passing around this giant card that we all got to sign, addressed to a very diligent colleague of ours who'd stopped showing up to work a few days ago.

Even though I didn't know her very well, as her co-worker I was immensely happy to hear that she is moving on from this menial job and hopefully find a job where she can do what she loves.


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What do you call people who secretly give away their Bitcoins?

Crypto-communists.

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2 chemists walk into a bar

Chemist 1: I’ll have some H2O
Chemist 2: I’ll have some H2O also
Bartender, who is secretly chemist 2’s archenemy: *under breath* dammit. So close.

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United States: A reporter that criticizes the government...

...might be labeled as fake news and have mean presidential tweets written about them.

Central America: A reporter that criticizes the government may be secretly arrested in the middle of the night.

Saudi Arabia: Hold my beer...

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The first time I saw a person with an extra thumb, I was secretly horrified.



Thumb thumb THUUUMB!

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The first time I saw a person with an extra thumb, I was secretly horrified.



Thumb thumb THUUUMB!

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Two twins were having a fight over full tit access, one got right tit access and the other got left tit access, as a plan each one of them secretly poisoned the tits...

Later the dad was found dead

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I'm pretty convinced that tall girls are secretly witches



Every time I try to work up the courage to talk to one, I get turned into a chicken ☠️

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In love

A man is in love with two women.
He doesn't know what to do.
Every day, it eats at his soul.
Every day, he hides each woman's existence from the other.
He loves Jane, and he loves Lynn.
Jane is care free and fun and he feels at peace with her.
Lynn would make for a great wife and mother, but she lives on a small island not far from his village in Jama


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A telepathic alien diplomat once said to his human colleague: "Your bodyguards loathe you secretly."

The human was alienated immensely.

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I've started secretly leaving Orwellian messages anywhere I can.

I've been having a terribly good time with it.

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I love this new NASCAR cereal...

but I secretly want to see it spill all over the table.

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So Hitler and the Nazis are back from the dead...

They’re discussing in a bar how to kill all of the Jews and one of the nazis suggests they gather them all up in one place with ten puppies and bomb them. The man at the table next to them has been secretly eavesdropping the whole time and interrupts by saying “ Wait, why are you killing ten puppies?” To this Hitler replies “ Well this is proof nobody cares about the Jews&r


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What do you call it when a guy secretly puts Viagra in his GF's drink?

ED-otic

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Did you know that Tony Stark is secretly a woman?

He's Fe Male

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Why does Donald Trump secretly want to lose the election?

Because if he wins, he'll have to move into a smaller house in a black neighborhood.

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Leonardo, Donatello, Raphael, and Michelangelo are currently boycotting Nintendo for promoting violence against turtles.

Master Splinter supports their #CurbTurtleStomp movement, but he still secretly enjoys playing Mario Odyssey on the low.

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