Seated

Jokes

On the short flight from Melbourne to Sydney...

A young Jewish man found he had been seated next to a middle-aged Jewish man, and when realized that he'd forgotten his watch, he turned to the man seated next to him and asked him what was the time.

The man sniffed, adjusted his kippa, and continued to read his newspaper -- and thus ignored the man and his question for the remainder of the flight.

As the plane touch


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I have a deep-seated fear of running water.

Or any liquid with legs really.

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I failed my Calculus exam because I was seated between two identical twins.

It was impossible to differentiate between them.

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What do you call a large group of people waiting to be seated at a restaurant who are so hungry they can almost taste the food?

The Salavation Army

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A man is seated at at a table in a bar

A man is seated at at a table in a bar with a glass of beer in front of him. His best friend arrives, takes the beer and drinks it.
The man starts crying .

\- "What's the matter? You are crying for a beer?" asks the friend

\- "No no" the man replies, sobbing. "today is horrible day for me. Everything is going wrong. My wife has a lo


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A young physics student on a train looks up and is surprised to see Albert Einstein seated across from him.

He clears his throat, leans over and asks, "Excuse me Professor Einstein, but do you know if Boston, MA stops at this train?"

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Better than sex

I just went skydiving and told my experience to some people at a bar I've been hanging around. The bartender liked my story so much, she signed up make her first jump at the end of the month.

I went back into the bar a few days later and the bartender wanted me to retell my story.

I said, "skydiving is better than sex!"

A guy seated next to me


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I was annoyed when I was seated near my ex wife at an Indian restaurant. But then she started to choke.

So I guess it’s a naan issue.

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A joke from a co-worker of mine

A guy walks into a bar and asks the bartender if he wants to hear a Trump joke.The bartender responds,"look, I am a Trump supporter the owner is also a Trump supporter and the hostess that's seated you is a trump supporter are you still sure you want to tell the joke". The guy responds, "Well, no. Not if I have to explain it four times."


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I failed my calculus exam because I was seated between two identical twins.

It was hard to differentiate between them.

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A sexy, beautiful woman was seated next to a guy on a plane and said: excuse me, can you help me remove something from my breast, please?

The guy, shocked, said yes, of course--what is it? The woman, replied--your eyes, idiot.

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A musician walks into a bar

and notices a coda seated at the end.

A musician walks into a bar.

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A woman was caught shoplifting a can of peaches.

She was brought before the judge who asked, “How many peach slices were in the can?”

“Six,” she replied.

“Ok, I’ll give you six days.”

Her husband, seated court, raised his hand and said, “Your honor, she also stole a bag of rice.”

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A Mormon is seated next to an Irishman on a flight from London to the US....



A Mormon was seated next to an Irishman on a flight from London to the US.  

After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The Irishman asked for a whiskey, which was promptly brought and placed before him.

The flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he would like a drink. He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by a d


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A British woman was touring the United States, and decided to go to a baseball game

She didn't understand the rules, but figured she could learn them by watching everyone else.

In the first inning, a batter hit a grounder and started running to first base. The man seated next to the woman jumped to his feet and shouted, "Run, you sunnuvabitch, run!"

A couple of innings later, another batter hit a grounder and started running to first. Su


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A Mormon is seated next to an Irishman on a plane..



A Mormon was seated next to an Irishman on a flight from London to the US.  

After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The Irishman asked for a whiskey, which was promptly brought and placed before him.

The flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he would like a drink. He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by a d


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On an undisclosed Singapore Airline flight..

Passenger: Hello Miss, just want to ask you ah, who and where is this Kevin Khoo ah? He seem to be a very busy man. Everyone is looking for him….

Flight Attendant: ?? Sorry, Kevin Khoo?? Not sure what you mean sir..

Passenger: You know Kevin Khoo la…even the Captain is always looking for him…Kevin Khoo please be seated for take off….Kevin Khoo


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A bus, seated with 30 married women, crashed. None survived.

The husbands of the victims all cried for a week.

But one man cried for two weeks instead — so a friend asked, “did you have two wives in that bus?”

“No, my wife missed that bus ride.”

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A man with a huge black-eye boards an airplane...

The flight attendant guides him towards his assigned seat, right beside another already seated passenger who also has a huge black-eye (same one). The first man says: "What are the odds? We share a flight to the same destination, we both have the same big ugly shiner on the same eye, and we are seated together? I'm curious how you got your shiner." The second man says: "You saw


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One day Stalin decides to go to the cinema in disguise and hear what people are really saying about him.

When the newsreel comes on the audience stands up and applauds each time he appears on the screen. Stalin is pleased. Modestly, he himself remains seated. After a few moments the man next to him leans over and whispers
“Most people feel the same way you do Comrade, but you’ll be safer if you stand up.”


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A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to NY.

A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to NY.

The blonde, tired, was going to take a nap, when The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game? He explains, "We'll ask each other a question, if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5.00, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.00."

This catches


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I asked the stewardess to switch my seat on a plane because I was seated right next to a screaming baby.

Apparently that's not something they let you do if the baby is your own.

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Husband and wife are having a dinner together

Husband and wife are having a dinner together. They are enjoying soup while seated at the table. Suddenly, the wife spills the soup all over herself.
- I look like a pig! - she angrily exclaims.
The husband looks at her and after a moment of careful observation admits:
- Yes. And now you have spilled the soup too...


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Engineering professors and their students.....

A group of engineering professors boarded a plane to a conference.
After they are all seated, the flight attendants announce that their students were the ones that built the plane they were sitting in. The professors jump out of their seats and run to the door in a panic.
When they notice one weird looking professor stayed seated, they ask him "why are you so calm right now?&quo


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A Mormon was seated next to a Irishman on a plane..

A Mormon was seated next to an Irishman on a flight from London to the US.
 

After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The Irishman asked for a whiskey, which was promptly brought and placed before him.


The flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he would like a drink. He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by a doz


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An elderly gentleman walks into an upscale cocktail lounge. He is in his mid-80s, well-dressed, hair well-groomed, great looking suit, flower in his lapel and smelling slightly of an expensive after shave. He presents a very nice image.

Seated at the bar is a classy looking lady in her mid-70s.

The sharp old gentleman walks over and sits alongside her. He orders a drink and takes a sip.

He slowly turns to the lady and says: "So, tell me; do I come here often?"

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Batman went to a restaurant.

Shortly after being seated, the waiter asks if he would like a drink.

"Water." Batman says in his gruff voice.

"Would you like ice and a lemon?"

Batman looks at him and says: "Justice."

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As I was being seated for lunch at a place I commonly go, the waitress knew what I was going to order.

I said "you must be clairvoyant", to which she replied "no, my name is Jenna".

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There is only on e way to save Hawaii

We must sacrifice a seated president to the angry volcano.

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Four high school kids who carpooled together decided to skip school and spend the day fishing.

The next day they told the teacher that they had had a flat tire, and couldn't make it to class.

Much to their relief, she smiled and said, "Well, you missed a pop quiz yesterday, so take seats apart from one another and take out a piece of paper." Still smiling, she waited for them to sit down.

Once they were seated and ready, she said: "First Quest


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A man walks onto a bus and sits next to a woman.

Another woman gets on board and had nowhere to sit, so the seated woman said to the man, "If you were a gentleman, you'd stand up and give the lady your seat."

The man replies, "If you were a lady, you'd stand up and give 5 people your seats."

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I asked the stewardess to switch my seat on a plane

because I was seated right next to a screaming baby.

Apparently that's not something they let you do if the baby is your own.

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A Mormon was seated next to an Irishman on a flight from London.

[deleted]

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What does Stephen Hawking stay seated in his chair?

[deleted]

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You're like a penis

Whenever we have visitors in the house, somehow the curious me always finds myself randomly seated or sandwiched between my parents and the visitor(s).

Then my mom or dad would berate me by saying:

You're like a penis! You always want to go and stay where it's tight!

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A Singaporean passenger said to a stewardess..

"Hello miss, just want to ask you, who and where is this Kevin Khoo? He seems to be a very busy man. Everyone is looking for him.."


The stewardess is confused by the question and just smiled.


The passanger continued with his heavy singaporean english accent: "You know, Kevin Khoo. Even the Captain is always looking for him.. Kevin Khoo please


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Trouble sleeping "How much for all night?"

The woman seated herself in the psychiatrists office. "What seems to be the problem?" the doctor asked.

"Well, I, uh," she stammered. "I think I, uh, might be a nymphomaniac."

"I see," he said. "I can help you, but I must advise you that my fee is $80 an hour."

"That's not bad," she replied. &q


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A woman was seated next to President Coolidge (aka silent Cal) at a dinner party.

“I bet my friend that I would be able to get more than two words out of you tonight,” she said.

“You lose,” he replied.

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A man walkes into a bar, and sees an elephant seated beside him

"Want to see a trick," the bartender asks, the man says yes and the bartender hits the elephant with a crowbar. Wincing, the elephant goes underneath the bar and gives the bartender a blow job.
"Pretty cool, right," the bartender says, "you want to try it?"
" Sure, as long as you don't hit me as hard."


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Election Day

The first Jewish President is elected in 2016.

He calls his Mother: "Mama, I've won the elections, you've got to come to the swearing-in ceremony."

"I don't know, what would I wear?"

"Don't worry, I'll send you a dressmaker."

"But I only eat kosher food!"

"Mama, I&


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After a freak accident Zlatan, Messi and Ronaldo enter the kingdom of heaven.

Messi is first to be judged by the lord, God looks upon Messi and says "Messi, you shall sit on my right side" and Messi takes his rightful place.

Ronaldo is next up and God tell him "Ah, Ronaldo, You shall be seated at my left side for eternity"

Then Zlatan walks up and says "Move over, you are in my spot"


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A doctor at a psychiatric hospital wanted to know which patients were safe to leave the center so he put them through this test.

He drew a door using paint on a wall in a room where six of his patients were awaiting their final examination in order to be declared sane after which they would be released.
The doctor then told the patients if they were able to pass through the door which he had drawn,they would be released.
Five of the patients struggled as s they tried to pass through the door.
He saw his si


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An Ethiopian, a Texan, and a New Yorker are seated in a steakhouse.

The waiter comes to their table and says very politely: "Excuse me, sirs, unfortunately if you order a steak you might not get one, as there is a shortage."

The Ethiopian replies: "What's a "steak"?"

The Texan replies: "What's a "shortage"?"

The New Yorker replies: "Hey mac, what the fuck is &qu


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In the nursing home (mildly NSFW)

An new resident of a nursing home is overly proud of how fit he is for his age. On his first day, wearing his track suit, he goes over to a group of ladies playing bridge, and says, "Guess how old I am, ladies!"

"Um, sixty-five?" one of them says.

"Nope! I'm eighty-two years old!" he says proudly. He wanders over to a group of men wat


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Putin, Medvedev, and a few other members of the cabinet and parliament walk into a restaurant...

They get seated, and the waiter asks Putin:

– What would you like to eat, sir?

– I'll have some meat.

– And how about the vegetables, sir?

– The vegetables will also have some meat.

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A priest dies...

And goes to heaven. There's a small queue to get in, and when he gets to be second in line, he overhears St. Peter asking some basic questions to the man in front of him, like what's your name/ occupation, and where are you from? They guy in front of the priest is wearing tight fitting, torn black clothing, has greasy slicked back hair and a overall punky attitude. He responds is a thick


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A man walks into a bar with a gun...

A man walks into a bar with a gun and yells "WHO SLEPT WITH MY WIFE! I'M GONNA KILL 'EM!"

A man seated at the bar calmly gets up and says, "You ain't got enough bullets, mate."

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Really Racist Joke

A black man and his son are on a long international flight. Over the middle of the Atlantic, the plane begins to have trouble. Everyone in the cabin is terrified. After a few minutes, a flight attendant comes to the front with an announcement. "I'm afraid that due to some issues with the engine, the weight of this plane will need to be reduced. Unfortunately, that means we're going


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Time to pun-ish you all!

A rope walked into a bar. The bartender looked at it and said, "Hey! No ropes in here!" So the rope walked out. Once outside, it twisted upon itself a number of times, then rubbed it's short free end until it was just a bunch of fibers without any organization. Upon completion of this, the rope walked back into the bar. The bartender looked at it and asked, "Are you a rope?&quo


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A blind man goes into a restaurant...

A blind man goes into a restaurant and sits down at a table. He orders something to drink and says to the waiter "Do you want to hear a blonde joke?"

The waiter replies, "Well, actually sir, I am a blonde. And there is a man just over at the bar who is an ex-con with a violent streak and he is a blonde. Also we just seated a body builder who has a temper problem, he is


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