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Jokes

Did you guys hear about the ocean?

10 million tons of plastic waste enters our oceans every year. Fish and coral reefs are dying. On top of that, our polar ice caps are melting and the ocean levels are rising. This is no joke here. Save our oceans. Be kind to the earth.

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A German man jumped in a freezing lake to save my dog...

He said “keep him out of ze cold and wrap him in a warm towel”

I said are you a vet?

He said “vet? I’m fucking soaking!”

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TIL Daylight Savings Time was first implemented by Kaiser Wilhelm in WWI to save money on fuel.

That means was a German atrocity in *both* World Wars...

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If I had a penny for every time someone called me frugal...

I'd be able to save even more

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Everyone is saying save the turtles right?

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Meta? I made a bad joke to my neighbor. Help me save it with a good punchline.

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A priest, a rabbi and a monk are on a sinking cruise ship.

The rabbi says, "We should save the kids!"

The monk says, "Screw the kids!"

The priest asks the monk, "Do we really have time?"

(Sorry if you heard this before, a friend told me it)

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Okay pornhub plants a tree for every 100 videos watched.

Guess I'm gonna 'single-handedly' save the planet the

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Those polar ice caps need to hurry up and melt faster so it can save the forrest!

Too soon?

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3 college students are living together to save money

One day they decided to carpool to conserve gas and cash, but they live in the top floor of a 30 floor apartment. The

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What's the difference between a humble environmentalist and a redditor?

A redditor talks about how he intends to save the environment, but never does it

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A Catholic church is burning down

There is a group of choir boys and 2 priest

The priest ask the other priest if they had enough time to save the kids.

He turns around and says "nah fuck em"

The other priest replies " Its gonna be close, might have enough time for a few"

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A woman was having a bumpy ride

Father at the front, brother in the back.

She said "Daddy...slow down." And so the father slowed down against his will.

Few minutes later she was gagging, "Billy...choking...!" So the brother stopped what he was doing and tried something else.

Luckily, they made it to the hospital to save the woman having an allergic reaction.


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A Frenchman wished to assess the buoyancy of the common household cat.

So he took three cats down to the canal and threw them in, and *un, deux, trois* cats sank.

Fortunately a kindly German saw this and jumped in (after punching the Frenchman on the nose) and rescued the cats. He looked them over and said "Huh. Bit ze vorse for vair, but I zink I can save zem". The Frenchman (holding his nose) said "Oh? Are you a vet?" and the German


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How do you save an anti vaxer from being strangled?

Take your hands off of his mouth.

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Two firemen were trying to save people from a burning building

The one on the building was throwing people down and the other was catching them on the ground.

Then he threw a black man... The one on the ground failed to catch him.
After it was over he asked him why did u not catch him..
He Replied : He was already burned when u threw him .

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I got banned from the local laser tag arena recently

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Possibly the greatest dad joke of my dads whole career

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Two Jews found out that Hitler walks past a certain ally every morning at 8 am ..

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AI learns that Jesus was crucified to save everyone from their sins and he'll. AI believes in redundant safety.

AI clones 1000 jesuses and crucified them all. 1000 times better religion.

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A man wakes up in the hospital from cancer surgery,and asks the nurse "Were you able to save my testicles?".

"Yes,we saved them for you under your pillow."

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If you like Pina Coladas and getting caught in the rain...

Getting drunk in the shower would save a lot of time.

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Okay, heres the plan: when weve killed the dragon, you go save the damsel in distress.

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I would save an animal over a human any day.

Because all humans suck. All animals are good.

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If given the choice to save my dog or a human baby, Id save the dog.

Because babies suck.

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A man sentenced to life in prison for cannibalism died in a fight last night...

Before the fight, he said "I used to eat guys like you for breakfast"

Now the family is deciding what to do with his body. Some want to have it cremated, others want to put him in the fridge and save him for later.

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So, my girlfriend and I are trying to save up to put a deposit down on a house.

We're not doing very well, as all our grandparents are still alive.

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My manager said if I make one more mistake that I'll be fired.

So to save myself I've made several mistakes.

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Why did the leftist commit a mass shooting?

To save the environment *badum tis*

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Good news and bad news

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How do you save the rainforest?

Shut CVS down.

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So a man is drowning

A boat comes by and said,”sir do you need help?”. The man said,”no thanks god will save me”. Another boat comes by and said,”do need help, you’re gonna die.” The man replies,”no thanks god will save”

The man dies and asks god,”Why didn’t you save me god?,” God replies,”You dumbass I sent you 2 boats”


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How did the nurses save the man with a broken heart?

double blowjob surgery

he he he

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Doctors

Other Doctors- we will do our best and save your son
Indian doctors-we will try our best, everything else is up to god

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When Americans storm area 51 and save the aliens, Europeans can storm the Vatican.

You will save the aliens and we'll save the children

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A Geico ad

Jimmy has AIDS suprising what's not suprising is that you can save 50% on car insurance by switching to Geico

​

pls don't dislike

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I had to perform surgery on a young girl today.

She needed type O Negative blood. We didn’t have any on site, but her twin brother was a match, so I took him aside to talk to him. They were only like five years old or so. I explained to him it was a life or death situation. He sat quietly for a moment, then went back and said goodbye to his parents and came with me. I didn’t really think anything of it until after we took his blood.


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My uncles hand got caught in some farm equipment. After rushing him to the hospital, the doctor told him they wouldnt be able to save his fingers.

He was distraught, and asked the doctor how he would manage. My dad leaned over and said. “It’ll be alright Dan, you can always count on me.”

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A horse and a chick are playing in a meadow...

After a time, the horse gets stuck in the mud. Frantic, he tells the chick to run to the farm and get the farmer to pull him out.

The chick runs as fast as her little legs will carry her and reaches the farm to find the farmer is nowhere to be seen. She finds an open window into the farmhouse and frantically searches for a way to save her equine friend. At this point, she notices the


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How do you save a flat earther who's falling?

You don't because gravity doesn't exist.

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Theres a small community trying to save our world and reduce global warming

Anti-vaxxers

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Noah's Ark 2.0



In the year 2016, the Lord came unto Noah, Who was now living in America and said:
"Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated, and I see the end of all flesh before me."
"Build another Ark and save 2 of every living thing along with a few good humans."

He gave Noah the blueprints, saying:
"You have 6 mont


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Does anyone else love a good deal? Save $200 on an Iphone Xs or Galaxy S10 . Terms apply.

Let's be honest, you'd much rather click on this link than the Google Pixel Ad.

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My name is Vincent

But you can call me Vin, you'll save a cent.

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A disabled child in a restaurant started choking on some coins he found. Prime minister Theresa May jumps up to save him...

She grabs his testicles and squeeze until he coughs up the stuck pennies. Because that’s what she does best.

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My dad died last year when my family couldn't remember his blood type in time for paramedics to save him

As he died, he kept insisting for us to "be positive," but it's hard without him

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A Horse, A Chicken amp A Harley

On the farm lived a chicken and a horse, both of whom loved to play together.

One day the two were playing, when the horse fell into a bog and began to sink.

Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the chicken to go get the farmer for help!

Off the chicken ran, back to the farm.. Arriving at the farm, he searched and searched for the farmer, but to no


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I'm trying to stay in at the moment to save money...

Probably doesn't help that I'm currently at the casino.

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A christian hears that there is a flood coming to his town. (long)

A fireman knocks on his door and says, "You need to come with me, there's a flood coming."

The christian says, "No, no, I'm a faithful christian, God will save me."

The fireman leaves and the flood waters come in. Eventually the flood waters get so high that he has to move to the first floor of his house.

A lifeboat goes by his h


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9 Blondes and 1 Brunette are holding onto the wing of a weighed down rapidly descending aircraft.

They all realize one must let go to save the rest of them. The plane is about 1000 meters away from crashing, when the brunette strts to say that she will heroicly let go of the wing of the plane to save the 9 others. She gets a few a tears and cries of “Nooo” but as she finishes, all the Blondes clap.


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