Sample

Jokes

Apparently, when you supply Human Resources with a urine sample...

... it has to be because they requested it

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An elderly couple visit the doctor for their check up...

The doctor says to the husband, " I will need a stool sample, a urine sample, a blood sample, and a semen sample."

The husband does not hear well asks several times for the doctor to repeat.

Finally the wife speaks up, "Oh honey, just give him your underwear! "

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An old man goes to the doctor for the first time in years.

He is very hard of hearing so he brings his wife along to help. The doctor gives him the once over, and says "I'd like to do a full workup. I'll need a blood sample, a urine sample, a stool sample, and a semen sample."

The old guy turns to his wife, "What'd he say?"

She replies, "HE SAID HE WANTS YOUR PYJAMAS!"


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An elderly man and his elderly wife go to the doctor.

It was just a routine physical for the old man. But due to his old age, the doc required multiple tests.

"I will need a urine sample, stool sample, blood sample, and a semen sample. " The doctor says.

The elderly man was hard of hearing,

"WHAT?" He asks, unable to understand what the doctor said.

"HE WANTS YOUR UNDERW


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Guy walks into a doctor's office...

The doctor says, "In order to get the physical started I'm gonna need a urine sample, a stool sample, a semen sample, and a blood sample." The guy says, "Gee Doc, that sounds like it's gonna take a while. Can I just give you my snuggie instead?"

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I had to give a sperm sample to the doctor for my Wifes IVF procedure. So I jerked off twice because my sperm count is a bit low.

Ended up with twins

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One day Bill complained to his friend that his elbow really hurt..

His friend suggested that he go to a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor.

''Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs $10." Bill figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store.


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Ive been performing a scientific study on toddlers. When they trip and smash their heads they sometimes cry but other times they jump right back up laughing. I cant figure out a pattern that explains the difference in behaviour. Maybe my sample size is too small for accurate results.

I’ll trip another 100 and report back

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I went to the doctor last week. He said he needed a urine, stool, and blood sample.

I just gave him my underwear.

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Nurse: "We need a stool sample and a urine sample."

Man to wife: "What did she say?" Wife to husband: "They want your underwear."

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One day Jeffrey was complaining to his friend...

“My elbow really hurts, I guess I should see a doctor." Said Jeffrey.

"Don't do that! There's a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything, quicker and cheaper than a doctor. Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs $10."

Jeffery figured


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So an old Italian man goes to the doctor...

He tells the doctor "Doc, I need my sperm count". The doctor replies "you're 80 years old, you don't need your sperm count". The old Italian man persists and eventually the doctor gives him a sample cup and tells him "go home and bring this back in a couple days"...

The old man comes back three days later and gives the doctor an empty sample. Th


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Old guy goes to see his doctor...

He’s a little hard of hearing so brings along his wife to help hear for him.

The nurse says “OK Mr. Jones, I’m gonna need a urine sample, a stool sample, and a semen sample.”

“The old guy turns to his wife and asks ‘what did she say?’ ”

“She needs your underwear, darling.”


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Asda installed a medical kiosk, for 10 and a urine sample, it would diagnose any condition.

When my friend went with a sore elbow, the computer printout read "You have tennis elbow. Soak it in warm water and avoid heavy work for 2 weeks" Impressed, my friend wondered if he could fool the machine.
He mixed tap water with dog crap, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and then pleasured himself into the mixture.
When he put the sample into the machine the nex


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Asda installed a medical kiosk, for 10 and a urine sample, it would diagnose any condition. When my friend went with a sore elbow, the computer printout read "You have tennis elbow. Soak it in warm water and avoid heavy work for 2 weeks" Impressed, my friend wondered if he could fool the machine.

He mixed tap water with dog crap, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and then pleasured himself into the mixture.
When he put the sample into the machine the next day, the printout read: "1. Your tap water is too hard. Use softener. 2. Your dog has ringworm. Give it antibiotics. 3. Your daughter is on cocaine. Get her to rehab. 4. Your wife is expecting twins. Not yours. Get a la


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Asda installed a medical kiosk, for 10 and a urine sample, it would diagnose any condition.

When my friend went with a sore elbow, the computer printout read "You have tennis elbow. Soak it in warm water and avoid heavy work for 2 weeks" Impressed, my friend wondered if he could fool the machine.
He mixed tap water with dog crap, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and then pleasured himself into the mixture.
When he put the sample into the machine the next da


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Why did the engineer provide a urine sample and his drivers license?

Because he was asked for his P&ID.

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I'm totally against drugs...

I backed into the sample display at my local cannabis dispensary.

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I had to provide a stool sample to my doctor the other day to check why I havent been feeling good.

The nurse just called me and said they can’t find it. I’m so mad that I totally lost my shit!!

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NSFW - A masked man bursts into a sperm bank with a gun...

He runs up to the woman working the front desk and screams, "OPEN THE VAULT!"

The woman is frightened and confused, "Sir, this is a sperm bank!"

"OPEN IT!", he yells while waving the gun.

She complies and opens the vault.

"Now take out a sample and drink it!", he demands.

"What?!", sh


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Pete in China

Pete, a high school teacher from Chicago, decided to travel to China for his summer vacation. Since he wanted to experience the whole chinese culture he planned to visit every attraction, learn more about every tradition and sample every dish china had to offer.

So he went for the Great Wall, the Forbidden City, the Summer Palace, the Yangtze River and the Mausoleum of Light. He even


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AI Doctor.

Guy hurts his arm. It's painful so he goes to his doctor.

The receptionist says "it's all AI now, just supply a sample of your urine and put it in the machine"

The guy things "weird but o.k'., does a sample, puts it in the machine.

A minute later a message appears. 'You have a small fracture in your right ulna. Place your a


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Old guy goes to the doc for a checkup and brings the wife along because he is hard of hearing. Doc: Everything looks okay but I still want to run some tests so I need a urine, feces, and sperm sample.

Old guy: (To wife) What did he say?

Wife: (loudly) He wants your underwear.

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Why did the chicken cross the road?

So, why did the chicken cross the road?

——————————

To set a positive egg-sample.

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Classic day at the stool sample photo lab.

crapshoot.

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Janet Jackson wanted to sample a Future song so she asked his production company if she could use Beast Mode. The production company sent a representative to her door with a CD. She asked if it was Beast Mode

The representative said “Sorry Ms. Jackson, this is Fo Real”

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South African runner Caster Semenya fails to provide a sample for sex test

Couldn’t fit her prick in the bottle

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An old man marries a younger woman and they decide to have a child.

After months of unsuccessfully trying to conceive, the man goes to the doctor to have a sperm count done. The doctor hands him a sample cup and tells him, “Take this home, fill it up, and bring it back in tomorrow.”

The next day, the man walks in with the sample cup still empty and hands it to the doctor. Confused, the doctor asks, “Where’s the sample?”<


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One dayBill complained to his friend that his elbow really hurt.



His friend suggested that he go to a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor.

''Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs $10." Bill figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to


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An argument developed between the forest animals

It was over a small sapling that had grown between two large trees. One side argued that it was a son of a beech, the other thought it was the son of a birch.

They asked the woodpecker to decide the matter, since he was the expert on trees. He flew down to the sapling, took a sample and returned with his decision.

It was the best piece of Ash he'd ever put his peck


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A boss at a tea factory called "I" is training one of his employees

The boss tells his employee, "As all of the tea passes through our factory, some of it might get contaminated. We call them "fake" teas." He points to a machine. "This machine will take a sample of tea every time ten cups pass through it. It then will test the sample of tea and label it either "A" or "B", showing if it is real or fake." The employe


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An 85-year-old man goes to see his doctor for his regular physical exam.



The doctor says that the man needs to provide a semen sample and gives him a jar saying, "Take this jar home with you and come back tomorrow with a semen sample."The next day the old man goes back to the doctors and gives him the jar, which is as clean and empty as when the doctor gave it to him. So the doctor asks what happened and why there is no sperm sample i


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An 85-year-old man goes to see his doctor for his regular physical exam.

The doctor says that the man needs to provide a semen sample and gives him a jar saying, "Take this jar home with you and come back tomorrow with a semen sample."

The next day the old man goes back to the doctors and gives him the jar, which is as clean and empty as when the doctor gave it to him. So the doctor asks what happened and why there is no sperm sample in


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Urine sample

The consultant urologist is demonstrating urine sampling to a class of students. As each sample is passed to him, he dips a finger in the bottle, raises his hand to his mouth and licks it. the standard tests follow and
after each one he mutters “Hmm, thought so, too high/low a sugar level”, etc.

The students were then invited to follow his example, which they duly di


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Walmart installed a medical kiosk

for $10 and a urine sample, it would diagnose any condition. When my friend went with a sore elbow, the computer printout read "You have tennis elbow. Soak it in warm water and avoid heavy work for 2 weeks" Impressed, my friend wondered if he could fool the machine.
He mixed tap water with dog crap, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and then pleasured himself into the mixt


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New Cologne

My son told me this.

Tesla is offering a sample of their new cologne when you go to their show rooms.

It is called Elon Musk

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I went to a clinic that can scientifically rate your beauty on a scale of 1 - 10 by taking a urine sample.

I never actually had to pee in the cup though because when they handed it to me, they told me “You’re an eight.”

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A man goes to his physician and is shocked to find that he has been replaced by a super-computer. The computer asks him his ailments and the man says he has a sore elbow. A drawer pops out and he is asked to urinate in it. After a bleeps and flashing lights the computer decides he has tennis elbow.

The man is annoyed and decides to get one over on this machine so he asks his wife for a urine sample. He then mixes this with urine from his dog and his small son and to top it off, adds some of his sperm. He takes it to the computer-physician who again asks him for a sample. He places the urine/sperm sample in the drawer and the computer makes its usual display of bleeps and flashes before telli


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A man has a pain in his elbow

His friend tells him about a new machine at the drug store. His friend says "You pay $10, give a urine sample and it'll diagnose you better than any doctor could." So the guy goes to the store, pays his money and gives in the sample. After about 2 minutes a receipt prints out that reads "You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy lifting."
Th


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A doctor visit

I go to the doctor. He asks for a stool sample. I pull out a small chair from my bag. The doctor yells at me for wasting his time. I go home. Still don’t know why I’m shitting furniture. My nightmare continues.

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I go to the doctor

He asks for a stool sample. I pull out a small chair from my bag. The doctor yells at me for wasting his time. I go home. Still don't know why I'm shitting furniture. My nightmare continues.

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The Breathalyzer Test

A policeman pulls over a driver for swerving in and out of lanes on the highway. He tells the guy to blow a breath into a breathalyzer.

"I can't do that, officer."

"Why not?"

"Because I'm an asthmatic. I could get an asthma attack if I blow into that tube."

"Okay, we'll just get a urine sample


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My doctor just thanked me for submitting the minimum amount of feces for my stool sample.

I told him it was the least I could doo.

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My wife and I

My dear wife and I have been married for almost 4 years (this March), and she really enjoys going to these things called ‘sample sales’. Which is a sale of products that could have been used on a runway, or may have a tiny production error.

Anyway, I asked my wife of crate and barrel ever has a these sales because I want some new kitchen stools.

I wanted to ta


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I need a stool sample

said the bartender to the interior designer.

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Got caught drink driving, but clever me drank the sample. Now I am in court.

For taking the piss..

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I wanted to learn more about my ancestry so I registered with a company online and sent them my DNA sample

Two weeks later I got a letter saying the sample cup was for saliva.

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I asked for a stool sample from an apathetic patient with constipation

He had no shits to give.

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Sent my stool sample to the lab today...

...he just wagged his tail and asked for seconds.

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A powerful witch once needed the blood of a true virgin to make a rare potion

She gets the blood of a person she assumes never had sex and gets their blood.

It doesn't work.

She tries another,

the potion still doesn't work.

Dismayed she uses a spell to get the blood of every person who's never had sex from the craziest of orthodox Christian damsels to the plumpest of neckbeards and runs another spell to ma


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