Salmon

Jokes

My friend is making easy money by selling photos of salmon dressed in suits.

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Some old joke from USSR

In old USSR a man enters a shop and ask the cashier :

\- Sir I would like to buy one Salmon and a bag of oysters.

\- I'm so sorry sir the fish shop is on the other side of the street, here it's the shop where we pretend we sale meat.

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An original title

Did you all hear about the disease that you can get from salmon. It's called Chickenella

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Can a salmon be contained?

No, but a tuna can.

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What's the difference between salmon and the American democracy?

Salmon can be cured.

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What happens when you put Nutella on salmon?

You get *salmonella*

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What's the difference between salmon and cancer?

Salmon can be cured.

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Why did the salmon get arrested?

He robbed the river bank

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- Can I have a kilo of salmon please?

- Here we go, it is $25.
- Can I have a plastic bag?
- It is inside.

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I had a pet salmon once.

I had to get rid of it, when people kept getting poisoned though. I guess I shouldnt of caller my salmon Ella.

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Paddy and Mick

Paddy and Mick walking along and see a guy dangling another guy by the ankles off a bridge. “Quick pull me up” the dangling man says so he pulls him up with a big salmon in his hands.

Paddy says to Mick. Let’s go find a bridge and give it a try.
They soon find a bridge and paddy lowers him down “quick pull me up” shouts Mick
“How have


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Why are Salmon always considered to be hipsters?

Because going down the river is too mainstream.

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If only aids was a little bit more like a salmon

If we’d smoke it, it would be cured

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My buddy got a new job

He takes pictures of salmon in tuxedos

He said it’s like shooting fish in apparel

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My friend has a new hobby..

He takes pictures of salmon wearing a variety of clothes..

Its like shooting fish in apparel

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Yes, hello 911?

My co-worker just heated up salmon in the microwave

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They say smoking causes cancer

But it cures salmon

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My friend is making a lot of money by selling photos of salmon dressed up in human clothes...


It’s like shooting fish in apparel...

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If smoking is so bad for you

How come it cures salmon?

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If the salmon come in on the salmon boat and the lobsters come in on the lobster boat, what boat do the crabs come in on?

The captain's dinghy

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A salmon enters...


A salmon walks into a restaurant, finds the chef and tells him:
— Hey, you! You've killed my father!
— Sure, — tells the cook, — this is my job. I kill fish, fry them and serve to people.
— I want you to stop doing this.
— Dude, this is what I do. If I stop, my family dies from hunger.
— OK. Let's play chess.


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Why did the Sushi chef call in sick?

He caught salmon illa

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A man walks into a fishmongers carrying a salmon under his arm.

“Do you make fish cakes?” he asks.
“Of Course,” says the fishmonger.
“Oh Good,” replies the man, “it’s his birthday.”

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OC A man goes to the store...

A man goes to an Iranian grocery store and once inside he notices that the store has a quite peculiar quirk; every section of the store had been given a person's name. Every aisle has a different person's name, some are Male and some are female. The bread aisle was called "Ali", the spices aisle was called "Zahra", the beverages aisle was called "Mehdi", and


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A man goes to the store

A man goes to an Iranian grocery store, and once inside he notices that the store has a quite peculiar quirk; every section of the store had been given a person's name. Every aisle has a different person's name, some are male and some are female. The bread aisle was called "Ali", the spices aisle was called "Zahra", the beverages aisle was called "Mehdi", an


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Everyone is so mad at the guy that turned a shark into a bong to smoke weed.

Yet people smoke salmon everyday and no one cares.

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Everyone is so mad at the that turned a shark into a bong to smoke weed.

Yet people smoke salmon all the time and it’s okay.

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A man goes to an Iranian grocery store

A man goes to an Iranian grocery store and once inside he notices that the store has a quite peculiar quirk; every section of the store had been given a person's name. Every aisle has a different person's name, some are Male and some are female. The bread aisle was called "Ali", the spices aisle was called "Zahra", the beverages aisle was called "Mehdi", and


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Do you know what it's like to be a fish?

I don't, but Alaska Salmon.

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A Jamacian supermarket employee witnesses his coworker "Sal" commit murder

Cop: You witnessed the murder here today?

Jamacian guy: Yes mon I work here at the supermarket.

Cop: Well, did you see what happened?

Jamacian guy: Yes, it was Sal mon!

Cop: Sir we already know it happened in the fish department. I 'm asking if you know who did it. It's pronounced salmon by the way.

Jamacian guy: Sal MON!


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Does anyone want to look after my fish while I'm away?

She's a really friendly salmon. Her name is Ella. I'm going away for about a week and I've been asking around at work for a while, but nobody wants to help out when I ask if they want to have salmon Ella for 6 nights.

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LPT: You can make easy money by selling pictures of salmon dressed in human clothes.

It is like shooting fish in apparel.

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I dont see anything wrong with GM foods.

I just had a nice leg of salmon and I feel fine.

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Whats the hardest part about smoking a salmon?

Keeping it lit!

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Everybody tells you that smoking causes disease

what they don’t tell you is that it cures salmon

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Everybody tells you that smoking will kill you

what they don’t tell you is that it cures salmon.

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Can salmonella be cured by eating salmon?

Or is salmonella caused by eating salmon?

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How do you address a cat?

You bow and taking off your hat
Ad-dress him in this form, "O Cat"

Before a cat will condescend
To treat you as a trusted friend
Some little token of esteem
Is needed like a dish of cream

And you might now and then supply
Some Caviar or Strauss burg pie
Some potted grouse or salmon paste
He's sure to have his person


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A poetic fish

A guy goes fishing and caught a baby salmon. He was about to hit it over the head when the little salmon says "Please Mr fisherman, don't kill me. My name is Rusty and I'm only a baby salmon, there are far bigger salmon in the river for you to catch" The fisherman thinks about it and says "Ok Rusty, my name's Billy, you are right, I've already caught a lot today&


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They say smoking is bad for you

But it cures salmon.

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My friend makes a lot of money by selling photos of salmon dressed up in human clothes...

It’s like shooting fish in apparel...

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It's 420 time to start smoking.

The salmon for tonight's dinner.

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What's pink inside and smells like fish?

Salmon

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There was a movie about a Mexican girl that was bitten by a radioactive salmon..

and of course she gained superpowers and became Salmon Ella.

​

The movie did great in Mexico, but unfortunately just made American audiences sick.

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A salmon is watching a fly hover 6 inches above the pond and thinks to himself, "when that fly drops, I'm going to eat it."

A bear is on the shore and is watching the salmon. The bear thinks to himself, "when that fly drops, the salmon will eat it, and I will eat the salmon."

A hunter is watching the bear and thinks to himself, "when that fly drops, the salmon will eat it, the bear will eat the salmon, and I will shoot the bear."

A mouse is watching the hunter's sandw


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A man goes into a pub with a salmon round his shoulders.....

Man: ‘Do you do fishcakes?’
Barman: ‘No’
Man:’That’s a shame, it’s his birthday.’

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Everyone tells you that smoking causes disease

But do they tell you that it actually cures salmon?

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They say smoking is bad for you.

But it cures salmon.

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Everybody says smoking will kill you

What don’t tell you is that it cures salmon

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What's the name of a narcissistic salmon?

Selfish

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