Sailing

Jokes

Sailing

It’s a blowjob

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Last night, I dreamt that I was sailing in a sea of soda.

I wish I could go back to that Fanta sea.

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A little wave

Two people are out sailing when suddenly a hand appears in the sea.

“What’s this?” asked the skipper, “It looks as if someone is drowning!”

“No,” explained his crew, “It’s just a little wave.”

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Two statisticians are out hunting when one of them sees a duck.

The first takes aim and shoots, but the bullet goes sailing past six inches too high. The second statistician also takes aim and shoots, but this time the bullet goes sailing past six inches too low. The two statisticians then give one another high fives and exclaim, "Got him!"

​

Courtesy of WolframAlpha.


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" I helped build all the houses you see, but they don't call me a house-builder. I went sailing for months to catch great fish, but they don't call me a fisherman...."

"..but you fuck one goat..."

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Why do pirates avoid sailing in shallow water?

With only one eye, they have terrible depth perception.

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Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton go sailing on Atlantic Ocean. The ship sinks. Who dies? Who survives?

Both die. USA citizens survive.

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Why did the depressed ship stop sailing?

It ran out of self-eSTEAM.

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Why did the nun go to confession after sailing?

The boat was full of seamen.

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We were sailing in the Bering Sea...

...the crew was tired. It was an extra bad day on the water. The wind was slicing through bringing the Soviet air russian across the deck. The waves towered higher and higher as the night grew darker. Fear began to set in. We had lost our way, the instruments had frozen and we were now sailing on a prayer and a hope for something on the horizon.

Suddenly, there was something, but it


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A German ship is sailing the high seas...

A German ship is sailing the high seas when suddenly they get an incoming message.

“We’re sinking! We’re sinking!” the message says.

The German captain replies “Well what are you sinking about?”

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If you feel suicidal, just open the curtains of your room and let the sun shine through, or even better, go out on a hike or sailing.

In either case, make sure you don't apply sunscreen.

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The Americans And the Egyptians teamed up

America was once sailing to Egypt so send reinforcements so while they were sailing they were attacked and the ship was sinking so the Americans screamed to they Egyptians "WE ARE SINKING WE ARE SINKING" And to that the Egyptians replied "What are you sinking about"?

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How long would you be sailing if you were to sail 220 yards at a speed of one nautical mile an hour?

Knot furlong.

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A married couple and their two kids were out sailing...

when the father looked and saw a terrible storm brewing on the horizon. The situation was a bit four boating.

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The Somalian Olympics team has just apologised

The Somalian Olympics Team has just apologised to the Olympic Committee after realising that sailing and shooting were 2 separate events!!

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A man has the opportunity to win a million dollars if he can cross lake Superior in a 16 foot sailboat...

The people sponsoring the challenge give the man two choices of what he can bring on the boat to assist him. He can either bring a large box of novels or two criminals. However, the people running get to choose what the books are and who the criminals are.

The man realizes there could be benefits to either choice. Perhaps the box of novels could be about sailing or survival. On the ot


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I Didn't realise the ship I sailing on was a gay cruise..

until the captain introduced himself as The rear admiral

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After his his girlfriend breaking up with him, my friend decided to go sailing in the major river in Egypt.

I asked him how he was feeling, and he said that everything was going to go back to normal, and they would be together again once he gets home.

I think he was in the Nile.

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A group of men are out sailing when they decide to see what the chef is cooking for dinner.

They walk in and, being that he doesn’t have a rolling pin, see him flattening biscuits with his armpit.

“That’s disgusting!” One guy says to the other.

“Yeah, well you should see how he makes donuts!”

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Exhausted, we'd been sailing for mainland Alaska for days when I was sure we spotted it ...

Alas, it was just an Aleutian

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A school teacher in Hyderabad was once asked, "Can you make a sentence without using 'E'?"

"I doubt I can. It’s a major part of many many words. Omitting it is as hard as making muffins without flour. It’s as hard as spitting without saliva, napping without a pillow, driving a train without tracks, sailing to Russia without a boat, washing your hands without soap. And, anyway, what would I gain? An award? A cash bonus? Bragging rights? Why should I strain my brain? It&r


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What do you call a group of guys, sailing the sea, singing about looting and stealing?

21 pirates.

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A Christian is sailing his boat in the middle of the ocean when all of a sudden it begins to sink.

[deleted]

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What do you call a ghost sailing in to port?

[deleted]

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Two chili peppers were sailing a boat in the ocean. What did one say to the other when they hit a iceberg and started to sink?

We’re capsaicin!

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Was talking to a friend about sailing

And he said today is going to be 15 knots, I replied “that’s probably enough to tie a boat down”

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Why do you never hear a sailor counting to 10?

Because they're more interested in fishing, sailing etc./ No pragmatic function for that distinct linguistic utility.

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Our sailing trip in Maine was going great...

until we were capsized by Augusta wind.

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My friend was really interested in learning to sail

But he wasn't sure if he should do it. When he asked me if he should actually get into sailing, I simply replied, "Whatever floats your boat."

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First Olympic sailing results just in...

First Olympic sailing results just in... England has taken gold, Australia has taken Silver, and Somalia has taken the boat!

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The Somalian Olympics team has just apologised

The Somalian Olympics Team has just apologised to the Olympic Committee after realising that sailing and shooting were 2 separate events!!

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Olympic results are out finally

Sailing results:
GB have taken Gold.
Denmark Silver.
And Somalia has taken a middle aged couple sailing round the World.

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Olympic Sailing results are in!

Denmark have taken gold

Finland have taken silver

Somalia have taken a middle aged couple who were on a worldwide cruise

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The first Olympic sailing results are in

England has taken gold, France has taken silver and Somalia has taken the boat.

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Olympic Results for Sailing are out:

The British have taken the Gold medal.

The French have taken the Silver medal.

The Somalians have taken the boats.

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An ancient roman sailing crew came across a strange animal.

[deleted]

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A ship is sailing through the sea...

passing by a small island and watches a man screaming and shouting.

A passenger asks the captain:

- Who is he?

- We don't know, he gets crazy every year we pass here.

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I tried to get team shirts for a sailing camp I'm going on

But I just couldn't get the idea to stay afloat

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Its the age of sailing ships and a prospective Captain in training is taking his final exam at the Royal Naval Academy

"Alright" says the Admiral giving him his examination, "Here's the scenario - your close to the shore, and a massive bout of wind is driving your ship unstoppably towards the rocks, what do you do?"


"Well id probably attach a few reserve sails to the starboard side and see if i could turn her"


"Its impossible lad"


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What did the pilot say after crashing into the ocean?

Looks like it's plane sailing from here.

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I have a new primary care physician

After two visits and exhaustive Lab tests, he said I was doing fairly well for my age. (I am a little over seventy).

I couldn't resist asking , "Do you think I'll live to be 80?"

He asked, "Do you smoke, drink beer, wine or hard liquor?"

"Oh no,' I replied. 'I'm not doing drugs, either!"
<


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Two statisticians are out hunting...

Two statisticians are out hunting when one of them sees a duck. The first takes aim and shoots, but the bullet goes sailing pass 6in too high. The second statistician also takes aim and shoots, but this time the bullet goes sailing past 6in too low. The two statisticians then give one another high fives and exclaim "Got him!"


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Q: You're sailing on a boat with a pack of cigarettes, but do not have a fire source, what do?

A: Throw one overboard to make the boat a cigarette lighter.

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My wife didn't finish her Morse code lessons before going sailing.

She seems to alright though she keeps sending me messages to send her an SMS but I haven't got a reply yet.

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Jesus, Moses and an old man are playing golf.

Moses steps up to the tee and hits the ball. It goes sailing over the fairway and lands in the water trap. Moses parts the water and chips onto the green.
Jesus steps up to the tee and hits the ball. It goes sailing over the water trap but still lands in the water. Jesus just walks on the water and chips the ball onto the green.
The old man steps up to the tee and hits the ball. It g


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I was sailing a yacht with my stomach,

abseiling

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Three French cats were sailing...

There was a hole in the boat and un deux trois quatre cinq.

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I'm feeling confident about my new business selling amphibious aircraft...

It's going to be plane sailing!

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What did the pirate say as he was sailing through Jamaica?

"X marks the pot, matey."

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