Safe

Jokes

Dilemma. There's a spider in my daughter's cot...

Where's a safe place to let her sleep in the garden?

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Condoms don't guarantee safe sex

My friend was wearing a condom when he was shot by the women's husband

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What is a mexicans definition of safe sex?

Locking all the car doors.

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So, a man who's afraid of snakes was walking down the river on a hot summer day.

Seeing crystal like waves flowing through the river, he felt an urge to swim.
Not far, there's a local old man resting under a tree. So he went to him and asked, "Mister, is swimming in this river safe ? Are there any traces of snakes ? "
The old man replied "You needn't to worry about any snakes, pal. The crocodiles ate'em all."


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How do you fit an elephant in a SafeWay bag?

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Be safe...

Or name it after me.

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A family of bears decide to take a vacation

Papa bear takes the wheel of the car while mama bear sits besides him. Young bear sits at the back.

On their way to their destination, the car swerves off the road and lands on a lake. All three came out safe but only papa bear came out dry.

Why?

He was the driver.

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"Better be safe then sorry"-

Said a nun while unrolling a condom on a candle.

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Did you hear about that accident that Earnhardt Jr was in?

Thankfully, the exit door was on the left and he was able to get out safe.

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If I'm ever traveling near Loch Ness or Sasquatch's lair, I will carry a camera to be safe.

It is a documented fact that these dangerous monsters have never approached anyone with a camera.

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One night Lee and Mike were bored and decided to blow up the local pasta factory....

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What did the robber say after blowing open the bank safe?

Wow this blew up, thanks for the gold!

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I think its safe to say Jeff Epsteins last moments were somewhat calm and relaxed

He was just hanging out

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HOW DO YOU FIT AN ELEPHANT INTO...

How do you fit an Elephant into a Safeway bag?

You take the "S" out of Safe and the "F" out of way.

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(There's no f in way)

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In he's feat with Anitta, "Poquito", Swae Lee says "Pourin' up 'til we in wheelchairs"...

...someone should teach this guy about safe driving.

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How do you fit a full-grown elephant in a Safeway bag?

You take the S out of "Safe", and the F out of "way."
..........
"There's no F in way."

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Me: How do you get an elephant into a SafeWay bag?


Friend: I don't know how do you.

Me: You take the S out of safe and the f out of way.

Friend: Wait, there's no f in way.

Me: Exactly

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Adult site: You must be of legal age to view the contents of this site. What year were you born?

12 year old me playing it safe: 1645

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What do you call a vault with a lock and bodyguards protecting it?

Safe.

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A guy is driving home from work on the freeway

On his way home he gets a call from his wife

"I'm watching the news right now and a man is driving the wrong way on freeway. I just want you to be safe." Says the wife

"Honey you won't believe it, but there are hundreds of people driving the wrong way." Says the husband


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How to make girls feel safe in the hallways

I often find myself walking behind various girls while I'm going about my day and I'm always concerned I'm making them feel unsafe. So I like to remind myself not to walk like a rapist.

I find this works much better if I don't say it out loud.

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My wife is like a fridge.

She's strong and keeps important things safe for me. I love her.

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Climate Change

will be resolved before we reach the point of no return and the rich will spread their wealth to resolve the problem and won't run away to safe havens whilst the average person lives through the mess they made.


Oh wait...

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THIS IS NOT A JOKE GUYS! REMEMBER TO ALWAYS PRACTISE SAFE SEX!!!!

You can easily do so by tying your partner to the bed so he/she won’t fall off.

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Dr.: Do you feel safe at home?

Me: No. These bills are trying to kill me.

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Who has no thumbs and is safe at using fireworks?

Gestures fists at self

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Do you know why prisoners love the 4th of July?

All the fresh meat on the 5th of July. Drive safe and party smart folks!

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When I resigned from my job HR offered me a Cobra...

I turned the offer down because I don’t think it’s safe to own a cobra, especially during a lapse in health insurance.

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If someone says I love you. But you are not ready to say it back.

Just say “I love YouTube” really fast. You will be safe.

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How do you get an elephant in a Safeway shopping cart?

You take the S out of safe and take the F out of way!

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A blonde joke a friend told me sometime ago (I'm sorry if this offends you)

Three women named Katie, Rachel and Karen, our blonde protagonist, attempted to rob the local bank.

Katie explained the plan to both of them. They went through it once again and then left for the bank.

While Karen went inside the bank, Rachel waited in the driver's seat and Katie was leaning against the back of their van.

A few moments later when the sir


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Im not convinced that condoms are safe.

My friend was wearing one and he got hit by a bus!

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A man is consulting a psychologist

\- Tell me what are your worst memories. Start with the third one.


\- The mayor's goat escaped into the wood, so every man of the village went to search her. We searched all the day long and finally found her safe in the evening. Because she wasn't eaten by a wolf, the mayor organized a big party. But when everybody was drunk, we lined up and we fucked the goat in t


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Avoid dangerous cults.

Practice safe sects.

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My dad said my bedtime was whatever my age was...

I thought I was safe when I turned thirteen but the fucker went and bought a digital clock

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NSFW I wish I could remember my safe word...

I want life to stop screwing me.

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People ask me why as a blond person, I would be safe in a zombie apocalypse.

I don't know

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The Future of E-Scooters

The next iteration of dockless, phone-activated micromobility devices — those modern miracles of transportation you can ride and park literally anywhere you want — will be a liquid-fuel rocket.

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The name of the brand, of course, will be ROCKET.

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To ride a ROCKET, riders will straddle the warhead between


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Is it safe to eat apples in Chernobyl?

Pretty much, yeah, only the apple cores should be buried in concrete afterwards.

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Everyone keeps talking about these safe spaces...

well call me old fashioned but I’m going to keep calling them banks!

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How did Harry Potter go down the hill?

Tumbling.

Fucking wizardry robes ain’t safe.

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A Londoner meets a stereotypical American redneck

The redneck tells him: “Why don’t y’all like guns? They’re completely safe! See, I have mine in my safe next to my bed, I know the passcode so well I can take my gun and kill any intruder in half a second!”

The Londoner replies: “Really? Is it truly that safe?”


The redneck replies: “Sure! I’ll give you as much t


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Condoms do not guarantee safe sex

A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman's husband...

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What do smartphones and baseball have in common?

You're safe when you touch home, but most of the time you're just touching balls.

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Thought reddit was a safe haven from that bs

Just had a direct message from a bot advertising cam girl sites. I've had that pain in the ass on fb and twitter, and obviously kik. Haven't had it on reddit before though. Anyone else?

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A man is walking down the street with his friend

A man is walking down the street with his friend when he hears a noise from behind him. He turns around to see a crazed man quickly approaching him. At first they thought he was going to mug them but they soon saw he was holding a giant silver key in his hand. When the man catches up he looks at them and hold out the key, whispering, “you take key” over and over again. The two men, ext


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White people want to know only two things

How safe is it and is it covered by their insurance.

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White people want to know only two things

How safe is it and is it covered by their insurance.

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Apple built a football stadium...

When a fan goes to buy a ticket...

Fan: How much for a seat and a part of the safe standing area access?

Ticket seller: that will be $600

Fan: What about just the stand?

Ticket seller: that will be $1,000

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My username is not safe for work.

u/safeforwork was already taken.

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