Retort

Jokes

A redditor with an interest in fencing was on rrareinsults

He found an amusing and witty retort, and was about to upvote, but alas he remembered. It was a riposte

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

My sister slapped me across the face the other day.

I quoted scripture in retort. Exodus 20:12

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

Common's complaint about mumble rap

Common, legendary rapper known for criticism/feud track "I Used To Love H.E.R.," went on record criticizing modern rappers such as Future for disregarding lyrics and instead "mumbling bullshit."

Future's retort: "man I wazza haza fug whata ay izza what mayne"

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

Throw a dog a bone

Girlfriend goes outside to check on the solar fairy lights she put up that day.


Dog is holding its bone and comes running over.

Dog is looking left as it slips and, as it's head flys to face forward and it comes to a sudden stop I am hit by the bone.


"Doggy. It's throw a dog a bone."

Fairy lights are turning


read more
UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

I asked my couch-potato wife to go to the gym to do some lifting with me

She philosophically retort: "Why should I? The burden of life is already too heavy."

Me: "Indeed you are."

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

Not exactly a joke but a funny retort of my brothers.

[deleted]

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

Preacher gets pulled over.

The officer asks for ID, when he says

"what have you had to drink tonight?"

The preacher replies

"Only water, sir."

The officer insists "I distinctly smell wine on your breath!"

The preacher, with a confident retort, says

"Dammit, he's done it again."


read more
UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

The Kindergartener's Question

Johnny walked up to his kindergarten teacher with an inquisitive look in his eyes. "Do you know where the black—" Johnny asked, to the teacher's retort. "Johnny! Say African-American!"

"Do you know where the African-American construction paper is?"

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

Original amp Classic Winston Churchill (not my retort)

Lady Astor said to Churchill, "If you were my husband, I'd poison your tea," to which he responded, "Madam, if you were my wife, I'd drink it!"

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE