Retire

Jokes

Where do Volkswagens go when they retire?

The Old Volks Home

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Where do dentists move to when they retire?

Fluorida

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I accidentially drove my car through a field of nails.

It was really bad. I had to retire it.

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Being a porn actress is a horrible career choice.

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DidYouKnow George Michael was once a highly regarded 'wonderkid' in Barcelonas football academy

Unfortunately he had to retire after tearing his Whamstring.

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A friend of mine is a flasher...

He was going to retire, but decided to stick it out for another year.

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Why did the bankrupt tightrope walker retire?

He no longer had outstanding balance.

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Why did Ozzy Osbourne retire from touring?

He had metal fatigue.

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How many millennials does it take to change a light bulb?

Don't know, the baby boomer that has the job now can't retire because they never saved anything and millennials all have LED lights that last longer.

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How many millennials does it take to change a light bulb?

Don't know, the baby boomer that has the job now can't retire because they never saved anything and millennials all have LED lights that last longer.

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How many millennials does it take to change a light bulb?

Don't know, the baby boomer that has the job now can't retire because they never saved anything and millennials all have LED lights that last longer.

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How many millennials does it take to change a light bulb?

Don't know, the baby boomer that has the job now can't retire because they never saved anything and millennials all have LED lights that last longer.

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Why couldnt the owner of the pizza joint retire?

He kneaded the dough.

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I won enough money in a lottery to retire

I was shocked when I won. They contacted me and asked me to come in the following week. When I got there they verified my identity and then told me they would get everything taken care of right away.

Fifteen minutes later my car had the brand new tires I won installed and ready to go.

My life hasn't changed too much since I won the retire but thing do feel much smoot


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I'm living my life like Jesus Christ,

Uemployed 33 year old virgin who still lives with his parents and about to retire in my early 30's!

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How does a white supremacist retire?

Cashes in his 401KKK

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No Ok No Ok

"For who are it?"

"For it are police have s come for a rest you for make retire in priso n"

"For wha t it are a rest me?

"For make bad joke on read it"


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My dad never says dad jokes.

He says that I'm the biggest joke he ever made and that he'd prefer to retire on a high note.

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Why was the car mechanic very hardworking at changing tyres?

He really wanted to retire

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Given the controversy that is currently going on with Christmas songs, Michael Buble probably chose the right year to retire.

I'm still gonna miss him though

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At my recent birthday party someone asked me when I planned to retire.

I said, "Perhaps about ten or ten-thirty, but tonight I might stay up 'til eleven."

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Retirement

I bought a small farm for when I retire yesterday,I fancy being a professional Scarecrow, I've always wanted to be outstanding in my own field!! 🤪

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What did the young pimp say to the old pimp when he heard the old pimp was going to retire?

“Penny for your thots?”

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I'm going to retire and live off my savings.

What I do the second day, I'm not sure.

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Did you hear about the clown who was forced to retire?

He’s flat broke after doing uni on line.

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How does a highly decorated sniper retire his old trusty sniper rifle?

With an honorable discharge.

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I decided to retire from my job at the X-Files.

I think I'm going to start something called the "Z-files." It's all about me taking a nap.

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This man was able to retire at 35 with two kids and a mortgage! Click here to see how!

He died

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A reporter was interviewing circus workers for a story he was writing.

The reporter came across a man wearing rubber gloves up to his elbows and asked what he did.

The man replied, "Oh, I take care of the elephants."

"Do you mean that you're a veterinarian?"

"No, I just give enemas to the elephants."

"Oh. What's that like?"

"It's awful! There


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I crashed my bike the other day and got two punctures. I don't think I can ride my bike again.

I'll have to retire it.

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Im gonna start my own business.

I’ll pay myself a million dollars an hour and retire after my first day.

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The only sad thing about the Caps winning the cup is that we have to retire one of the best jokes in the NHL.

Have you ever been to a bar and ordered an Ovechkin?

If the bartender doesn't know what it is just tell him it's a White Russian with No Cup.

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When is the best time for a dad joke to retire?

When the kids are fully groan.

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Sean Hannity hates crisis actors

So he decided to retire.

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What do dogs get when they retire?

Sock options

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The CEO called for a certain man to give out a promotion

The man walked into the CEO's office, and asked "Yes, sir?"

The CEO said "I am proud of you. You started in the mail room, and got promoted to salesman in merely a month."

The young man nodded.

"Then, after about six months, you got promoted to general district supervisor."

The young man nodded.

&q


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Why did all the cattle decide to retire at the same time?

[deleted]

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The human cannonball informs the circus manager that he plans to retire at the end of season.

The distraught manager protests "Where am I going to find another employee of your caliber?"

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My bike is getting old.

I had to retire it.

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I plan to retire at 30.

The used tire business is just calling my name.

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The local flasher in my area was going to retire this week

but he's changed his mind and is going to stick it out till Christmas.

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A retire navy admiral's daughter gets engaged to a navy a young naval officer

[deleted]

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Why did the pharaoh retire?

Because he did not want to be part of a pyramid scheme

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Don't Ever Let Him See You Completely Naked

The young bride's mother had some old-fashioned ideas of
marriage, and passed them on to her daughter.
"Never let your husband see you in the nude," she advised. "You
should always wear something."
"Yes, mother," replied the obedient girl.
Two weeks after the wedding, the girl and her brand-new husband
were preparing to retire


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What did the circus owner say to the human-cannonball when the he wanted to retire?

How will I ever find another performer of your caliber? (Source: a dad on thanksgiving)

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A pirate decided he wanted to retire

He sold all his gold on eBay.

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Two Jews at Miami Beach

Two Jewish men from New York pass each other walking down Miami beach. They see each other walking every now and then over a couple months and eventually introduce themselves and walk together. After walking for awhile the first said to the second how did you end up here in Miami. The second man told him that he owned a garment factory until there was a fire that burnt it to the ground and because


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An old joke told in the Soviet Union wheelbarrow factories...

Every other Friday a guard at the wheelbarrow factory saw a worker coming out of the factory pushing a wheelbarrow packed with hay.
The guard searched inside the hay, found nothing and let the guy go. This ritual repeated over several years until a time when the guard was about to retire from the wheelbarrow factory.
When the guy pushing the wheelbarrow appeared at the gate he told


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A ventriloquist decides to retire to and buy a farm.

So this ventriloquist decided he is going to retire and buy a farm. He sees a farm for sale from an old widowed farmer. He meets the farmer and learns his name is farmer Brown. The farmer is showing him around and the ventriloquist decides he will have a little fun with the farmer. As they walk past the chicken coop the ventriloquist throws his voice. Farmer Brown you need to take are eggs ear


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So two men are talking about their jobs

The first man says he's going to retire tomorrow, and starts crying
The second man asks, "Why are you crying? Retiring is such a nice experience!"
The first man replies, "But, I'm a suicide bomber!"

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