Removed

Jokes

Four idiots were in the finals stages of becoming full members of the local skin-head biker gang. Their last assignment was to terrorize some Jews at a bar mitzvah later that afternoon.

They failed their final assignment because the rabbi saw them when they first arrived. He had the four skins immediately removed before they caused any trouble.

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Trump was told that the word 'gullible' had been removed from the dictionary.

"Don't be ridiculous," he replied, "there's no such word as dictionary."

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A woman went to a dance and hit it off with a guy there.

They both liked what they saw and decided to go back to his place. One thing led to another, and soon they gravitated to the bedroom and proceeded to undress.

The first thing he removed was his socks and shoes. She noted his feet were withered and crooked. When asked, he responded that when he was six, he contracted toe-lio.

She looked at him confused. “You mean pol


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Soviet Joke about Jews.

In Israel, a group of returnees is being interviewed. One of the questions is as follows: What manifestations of anti-Semitism have you experienced in the USSR? The elderly Soviet airforce pilot, former colonel, answers:

\- In June 1967, our squadron in Egypt received a task - to prepare to bomb Tel Aviv. And they removed me from mission!


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I had sex with this girl in the woods once. It was really kinky.

Until the paint balling supervisor came over and removed us.

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A guy refuses to tell a joke.

\[removed\]

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My Wisdom Teeth

\[removed\]

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When my dad got a genetic test, he told me he learned a few things. Apparently I have a little Italian in me.

So I got an X-ray and had the lil guy removed. I carry him around in my shirt pocket.

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Absence makes the heart grow fonder.

Unless it is removed from the body.

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I visited Keanu Reeves at the hospital after a bad accident on a film set

He told me I was breathtaking.
I guess that I should't have removed that oxygen tube to pet his dog.

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Grow some balls

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I have a pet racing snail and I thought if I removed its shell it would go even faster...

but now it seems more sluggish

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Please click on this...

So I was posting on a subreddit and a mod removed my post. Please upvote so I can get some karma to post more.



P.S. the joke is my life

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I heard Marilyn Manson got a rib removed, so that he could suck his own dick

It's Adam and Eve all over again.

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I'm off to have my legs removed.

I won't be long.

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What did the man say when the Doctor removed his tapeworm?

Thanks Doc, it was really getting under my skin..

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How do you get a joke deleted?

\[removed\]

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How do you greet the actor who plays Mike on Stranger Things?

-!

(Extra text so it doesn't get removed lol)

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Nobody panics when things go "according to plan".....

If women remove polish with chemicals, nobody panics, because it is all "part of the plan",

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But when Hitler removed Polish with chemicals, well then EVERYBODY LOSES THEIR MIND!!!

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My friend wanted to show me this awesome goal that was scored

\[ Removed by reddit in response to a copyright notice. \]

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My friend wanted to show me a clip of Man United scoring a goal

\[ Removed by reddit in response to a copyright notice. \]

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(NSFW) Did you hear Caitlyn Jenner had her penis surgically reattached, then decided to have it removed once again?

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Donald Trump did the bottle cap challenge.

The cap removed itself.

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Lump

One of my mates found a lump, and then had one of his testicles removed .

That's how serious he is about mashed potato.

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In an attempt to reduce congestion, my local council removed traffic lights at all crossroads...

bit of a roundabout way of doing things, don't you think?

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First dates are really interesting.

On one hand you’re really nervous cause you’ve never really had a first date, but on the other hand your date looks really good and you just wanna place your lips on them. So you take the plunge and pucker your lips up and have a bite of the forbidden fruit at which point you feel a hard crunching sensation on your teeth and you come to a sudden realization that you haven’t remov


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I just got back from the hospital for

Having a large mole removed from my penis.

I definitely won’t be screwing one of those anymore.

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When I heard someone had found a cure for dyslexia.....

...it was like music to my arse. I got down on my knees and thanked dog. Then I removed it from this years Satan list.

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DIET DAY 1: I have removed all the bad food from my home.

It was delicious.

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My mom got part of her colon removed.

Now she has a semicolon!

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This one goes out to all of you think I can't come up with a funny joke:

\[removed\]

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Don't know why this got removed the first time. I'll try again. When is it OK to have sex with your cousin?

\[Twice removed\]

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I was going to tell you a Road construction Joke...

But I'm still working on it.

​

Reposted because my first attempt to tell this joke got the punchline removed.

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What did the mod say to the redditor?

\[removed\]

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A friend of mine had a testicle removed today after discovering a lump.

That's how serious he his about mashed potato.

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Doctor: Weve successfully removed a part of your colon

Me; What?!

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My girlfriend confessed to me that she has been getting a little tail on the side. I said we shouldn't let something like that get between us.

I then asked if she had seen a doctor. Maybe she could have it surgically removed.

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A stand up comedian named Michael went to get his appendix removed. What did he call the night of his surgery?

Open Mike Night

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What happened at Tiananmen Square between 15 April and 4 June 1989?

\[Removed\]

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Overcome with the beauty of the Earth from space, the astronaut removed his helmet...

The view was breathtaking!

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My Wikipedia page about ferrets got removed.

They said I'd used weasel words.

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What do kids and tattoos have in common?

Both are permanent, with the exception that they can be removed with a giant laser

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I recall my first time with a condom.

I was 16 or so and I went in to buy a packet of condoms at the pharmacy. There was this beautiful woman assistant behind the counter, and she could see that I was new at it. She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear one. I honestly answered, ‘No, this is my first time.’

So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped it over her thumb. She cautioned


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What sound does a tiny cow make

µ

 

 

 

 

 

---

^(Please ignore this text. It's only here to add more words because a single letter joke gets removed by the mods, who don't subscribe to the belief that brevity is the soul of wit. Thank you for not reading this


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Since NY is known for its pizza, every year on 911 I order some for dinner.

I always get two large plains.

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^(posted this yesterday but the automod removed it because this is a babby account.)

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What does Christ say when...

What does Christ say when he is removed from the cross?

**LEGS FIRST FOR FUCK SAKE!**

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Sorry if it's a repost.

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When the first Homosexual Scoutmaster joined the Boy Scouts of America...

He was soon after removed, for teaching the boys how to "pitch a tent".

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When the first Homosexual Scoutmaster joined the Boy Scouts of America...

He was soon after removed, for teaching the boys how to "pitch a tent".

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Q. Did you hear about the nuclear disaster in Ukraine - dont go there! A. Oh - why not?

Chernobyl fall off!

Edit: removed cymbal smash

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What did the reddit user say to askscience

*Removed by moderator*

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