Private

Jokes

I screwed up paving my private road

It's my own dumb asphalt.

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I know Barry Chuckle's funeral was a private event, but I've just read a transcript of the service and it was very moving.

Particularly the to-me-to-eulogy.

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A drill sergeant asks a private what his name is

The private responds “I.P. Rainwater sir.” The drill sergeant replies, “I don’t care if you shit snowballs, what’s your name private!”

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Valerie Harper dead at age 80.

Following a private ceremony, there will be an open-casket service, featuring Sandy Duncan.

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Don't You Hate It When

people just ASSUME you're rich because you talk really posh, went to a private school and have loads of money?

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What did they call Jeffrey Epsteins private island?

...Kid Rock

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What did they cal Jeffrey Epsteins private island?

...Kid Rock

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First day in the desert, Private Bork...

The platoon had a new recruit, Private Bork. First day on the job, the encampment gets bombarded. Bork's tent gets hit. Most of the soldiers are alright, but the commanding officer took a big piece of shrapnel to the thigh. Through the chaos, the officer uses his last strength to flag down Private Bork.

"Bork, son, I need you to get a message to Lieutenant Joaquin."


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What happens if you blast Soviet national anthem in a private school?

It becomes a public school.

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A sex ed male teacher brings a student to give him a private lesson

He forgot men cant be pregnant

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I've named my penis 'Ryan', to feel more heroic

Now, whenever I'm manscaping, I can proudly say that I'm shaving private Ryan

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Is your name Area Fifty-One?

Because I wanna storm your private areas

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"I have a solution to all the mass shootings affecting our country," proclaimed the Trump supporter

"Let's enforce the well-regulated clause of the second amendment by banning all rapid firing assault type rifles, having mandatory gun-locks on all weapons in homes where there is a child under 21 years old, 10 day background checks on private sales and removing guns from households where domestic violence or internet threats against others have taken place."

"Wow,


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PRIVATE, ARE YOU KIDDING ME???

Yes.
WHAT???
Yes, sir.

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What do you call a guy who never farts in public?

A private tooter

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So I went to the library...

I had to go to the library to book a private study room. Once there, I asked the lady if there is one that is available.

Imagine my disappointment when she said, sorry hun, we are fully BOOKED.

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Google admits workers listen to private audio recordings from Google Home smart speakers.

At least someone listens to me.

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My drama professor said I had to write 5,000 words on Robert De Niro

I only managed three before his private bodyguards wrenched me off him.

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So a British SAS squadron and an American Marine squadron are arguing together who are the bravest soldiers...

A British SAS squad and an American Marines squad are together in the middle of a city. The commanding officers of each group are discussing the merits of SAS vs Marines: these officers have reputations for being the strongest, toughest and most feared men in the whole of the armed forces. The American squad leader turns to the British officer and says, "My Marines are so much braver than yo


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A marine general, an army general, and a navy admiral were discussing who had the toughest men.

The army general says, "Alright, I'll prove the army has the toughest men in the country. Private, get over here!" The private reports as ordered, "Yes sir?" The general says, "See that man over there? Kill him!" Without hesitating, the private kills the man. The general says, "See? That man has balls!" The marine general says, "That's nothin


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A young and promissing politican is invited to a dinner with the big fish from the party.

There he meets the host, one of the older members who's heard a lot of good things about the young member. He starts to take him around the huge house, shows him expensive cars, his helicopter, private gym etc. The young member amazed asks him how did he get all this by being a politican. So the older member is like:"Do you see that road there? Well, it was to have 4 lanes instead of 3.


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Yo mammas so slutty,

Medical professionals refer to her vagina as public instead of private parts!

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A Private is standing outside smoking

A Private is standing outside in the smoking area, joking around with one of his buddies.

A young Lieutenant walks up to them, and asks "Private, have you got change for a dollar?"

The private looks over at him, and replies " Yea sure buddy, no problem".

The Lieutenant stares at him, mouth agape, then begins tearing into him. "What di


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On a private plane flight...

On a private plane flight there was a priest, two kids and the pilot. After a while of flying the pilot turns on autopilot and calls the priest and says to him, "Sir, I am sorry, the plane will crash soon and there are only two parachutes. They are for both of us" The priest says,"And the kids?" "The kids... fuck them!" "Do we have time?" The priest replies


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What do you call a teacher who doesnt like to fart in public?

A private tooter.

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We really arent making enough of a deal about Hillary's Private server...

A woman of her status should have had at least a Lieutenant waiting on her.

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On a private plane flight...

On a private plane flight there was a priest, two kids and the pilot. After a while of flying, the pilot turns on the autopilot and pulls the priest aside and says to him "Sir, I am sorry, the plane will fall soon and there are only two parachutes. They are for both of us" The priest replies " And the kids?"
"The kids.... fuck them!" The priest asks " Do w


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A private ran to his General, sending a message from the front lines. He was in utter distress.

"Sir! We are outnumbered three to one, and..."

"Private! Get me my red shirt," he interrupted, "When I bleed in battle, I don't want the soldiers to be discouraged."

"Sir! You don't understand, they have battalions of heavy artillery, and their tanks are twice the..."

The General interrupted again, "Priva


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The wife told me she couldn't take my pretending to be a private eye shtick any more. She want's to split up.

Good idea Karen, we'll cover more ground.

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An old lady was on the deck of a cruise ship, when a strong wind blew up

Without thinking, she grabbed her hat with both hands, to stop it blowing away. A steward rushed up to her, saying "madam, the wind has blown your dress up too, and you're not wearing any underwear! Everyone can see your private parts!".

The old lady replied "anything down there is 72 years old, but I only bought this hat yesterday"


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The Gynaecologists Assistant

A young man goes into the Job Center in Downtown Los Angeles and sees a card advertising for a Gynecologist's Assistant. Interested, he goes to learn more.

"Can you give me some more details?" he asks the clerk.

The clerk pulls up the file and says, "The job entails getting the ladies ready for the gynecologist. You have to help them out of their under


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"Private! I didn't see you at camouflage practice today, where the hell were you?" The drill sergeant said.

The private only replied, "Thank you sir."

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The Gynaecologist's Assistant

A young man goes into the Job Center in Downtown Los Angeles and sees a card advertising for a Gynecologist's Assistant. Interested, he goes to learn more.

"Can you give me some more details?" he asks the clerk.

The clerk pulls up the file and says, "The job entails getting the ladies ready for the gynecologist. You have to help them out of their under


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A wife told her husband to give there son the talk of the birds and the bees

So the father went into the sons room and struck conversation

Father: Son your mother has told me I have to inform you about sex. Do you know what the female private part is?

Son: (in a hushed voice) you mean the vagina?

Father: Yes, do you know about the penis?

Son: of course dad I’m twelve

Father: why son that is 9 more inch


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A man in the army faces a superior during drill but messes up...

"Who do you think you are, PRIVATE?"

"I'm sorry sir i was just-"

"I DIDN'T ASK WHAT YOU WERE DOIN'! I ASKED WHO ARE YOU, PRIVATE!"

"I-I'm private...-"

"WELL!?! OUT WITH IT"

" Im private cock, sir"

"PRIVATE PRIVATE?"

&qu


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A young private is enlisted in the Great War.

Unfortunately, he was sent in right before the biggest battle of the year, and he has not had any proper training.

He begs to the sergeant and pleads, "What do I do!?". The sergeant, rushing to fight, picks up a stick and says, "This is your magic stick! Shout the word 'bang' when you want to kill someone!"

The private, confused, tries it


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A female lieutenant walked into a shower room. She sees a sergeant and two men, and walks up to them...

Lieutenant: good God, put your privates away!
The sergeant is confused for a second, but then says: private Smith, private Jones, you are dismissed to dinner!
The female lieutenant watches ad the two men walk away, and then turns to the sergeant and says: alright, now that your privates are away, pull out your cock.


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A Jew, a Catholic and a Mormon were discussing their families.

Jew: I have enough children to start my own baseball team.

Catholic: So What? When my wife delivers in the fall, I can start my own soccer team!

Mormon: I got you all beat. Two more wives and I’ll have my own private golf course.

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A man goes hunting with his buddy...

His buddy lines up a shot and says
“I can see your house from here....”
“I can also see your wife cheating with another man!”
“Oh really?” Said the man
“I’ve had enough of her. Shoot her in the head and him in his private parts.”
His buddy laughs and goes
“Well I can get that in one shot!”


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How can you tell if a farmer is successful at his job?

When he's flying his private jet to the Bahamas and some other schmuck is out standing in his field.

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My family are very private people

So when my cousins cheated with each other it was a private affair.

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Im seeing Saving Private Ryan in a theater this weekend. I told my boss, and without skipping a beat, he said...

“Could you imagine if they tried to put ‘Shakespeare in Love’ back into theaters?”

I am slain.

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A Private, A Sergeant, A middle-aged Lesbian and a pretty young lady were sitting in a train in the 90s

The Private walks out saying he will be back. The train goes through a tunnel and it becomes pitch black. A Sound of a loud kiss is heard which is quickly followed by a loud slap.

The Train comes out of the tunnel and the private comes back in and pays respect to his sergeant and then sits next to him facing the two women. The Sergeant's chick is red. Everyone is quiet and the at


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If you go to this website while using someone's phone you can see their entire search history even from private browsing

Would be a terrifying thing to read if it was true

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Our fish was acting out and running with a bad crowd...

We’re going to try putting him in a private school.

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Where do Gynecologists get their training?

Private school

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A U.S. Marine Colonel was about to start the morning briefing to his staff.



While waiting for the coffee machine to finish brewing, the Colonel decided to pose a question to all assembled.

He explained that his wife had been a bit frisky the night before and he failed to get his usual amount of sound sleep.

He posed the question of just how much of sex was “work” and how much of it was “pleasure?”


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What's the difference between a detective and a pirate?

One's a private eye, and the other is a private-ear

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A man was naked on a beach

He sat there sunbathing, for the sake of civility and to protect them from being sunburnt, he had a hat on his private parts.

A women came by and smirked “If you were a gentleman you would lift your hat”

He replied “If you weren’t so ugly it would lift itself”

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A guy was naked on the beach

He sat there sunbathing, for the sake of civility and to protect them from being sunburnt, he had a hat on his private parts.

A women came by and smirked “If you were a gentleman you would lift your hat”

He replied “If you weren’t so ugly it would lift itself”

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