Pope

Jokes

The pope dies and arrives at the Pearly Gates...

The pope dies and arrives at the Pearly Gates with the gates being shut and St. Peter nowhere to be found. He starts loudly calling for him and finally after a couple of minutes of desperate yelling a white dove flies over to him.

"What do you want, human?" asks the dove in a human voice

"Why, I've been a proper Christian my whole life and an earthly s


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How does the Pope buy things online?

Papal

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An old mafia boss was at the end of his life

He knew he didn't have much time left to live and he was getting worried about where he might end up after his death if he did not get absolution for his sins. He had been a very evil person and he knew that any old village priest would not be able to do the job so instead he arranged a meeting with the pope in Rome.

The pope listened to all the sins the mafia boss had committed.


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So the Pope is SUPER early for his flight


He asks his driver on his way to the airport if he could drive around for a while because they have time to kill and he hasn't driven a car since becoming the pope.
Naturally, he's a bit rusty, so he's driving poorly, when suddenly he sees police lights behind him. He pulls over and when the officer comes up to the window his eyes go wide. He says to the pope "Hold


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In 897 the body of a dead pope was dug up and put on trial.

After a full procedure he was found guilty on all charges.
Apparently he didn't have much to say in his defense.

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The Pope was diagnosed with a mysterious terminal disease . . .

Frantic, cardinals and archbishops around the world scoured old medical texts and consulted the top minds and researchers in the world in hopes of finding a cure.

Finally, after weeks of searching, a promising cure was found - but it was not without its controversy. The highest of the clergy discussed at length about how to break the news to the ailing Pope.

They decided


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The Pope wakes up one day and decides he doesn't want any Jews in Rome

The Pope calls the Rabbi for Rome and informs him of his decision. The Rabbi protests and says "Wait, that's it, we're not even gonna talk about this?" So the Pope asks what he wants to do and the Rabbi says that he wants to have a debate the following week. The Pope agrees and they part ways.

A few days before the debate, the Pope realizes that he's just agre


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A misunderstanding in a mental hospital

A doctor in a mental hospital makes an apology to a patient: "You can go now. We are so sorry for this misunderstanding, I regret that we did not check your ID, Mr. Pope."

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The Queen takes the visiting pope for a ride in a carriage through London.

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What did the Pope and the English teacher have in common?

They both know a lot about sintax.

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A man was in line to meet the Pope. He was wearing his best suit.

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A loyal employee, Skip, was bragging that he knew almost anyone in the world personally

Naturally, his boss took him up on the offer. He took him to a Chicago Bulls game, and walking into the tunnel, Michael Jordan recognized him and said "what's up Skip?". His boss naturally was impressed. So he took it a step further and went to the White House. President Bush immediately recognized Skip and gave the two a personal tour. By now, the boss was beside himself. He paid f


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I just saw the Pope sitting on the toilet.

Holy shit!

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The pope decides to remove all of the jews from italy.

The jews, obviously, disagree with this; so the pope agrees to have a debate with a rabbi for if the jews should stay in italy or not. The jews vote and decide on an old, wise rabbi. The time for the debate comes, and it dawns on them that they can't understand each other, so they decide to have a nonverbal debate. The pope waves his finger around in the air, and the rabbi replies by pointing


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God called on the Pope, Donald Trump, and Bill Gates, and told them,

"I called you together to let you know that I am tired of all the bickering, hate and violence in the world. You have 30 days to get things in order, then I am going to end the world. "

The Pope woke his staff and said, "I have some good news and some good news. The good news is that we were right all along, God exists. The other good news is that we'll be going to


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The pope, the president, a priest, a whore, a Frenchman and a schoolkid enters a bar

The bartender says: is this a joke?

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If the pope takes a shit....

Is that a holy shit moment?

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Julius Cesar and the Pope decide to go into business

by opening a chain of German salad restaurants.


They call it The Holy Romaine Empire.

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Oldie but a goodie.

There are four people on a small plane heading north over Canada. The pilot, the trump , the pope and a random backpacker.
Suddenly the engine starts emitting black smoke and dies.
As the plane slowly starts to fall the pilot rips open a compartment with three parachutes, takes one and shouts something about “needing to fly more planes “ jumping out of the plane de


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I haven't been on this sub long so I don't know if this is a repost, I heard it a really long time ago from someone

Harvey was visiting his friend Bob for a couple of weeks. A couple days in, Bob and Harvey go out for coffee. As Harvey walks in the door, a man Bob has never seen before walks up to the two of them and says, "Long time no see, Harvey! It's been at least thirty years since we saw each other". Harvey and the man have a conversation for a while, and finally, after they are done, Bob a


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Another Mcann joke

What is the difference between Pope John Paul II and Madelaine Mcann?

One died a virgin.

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A priest, a bishop, and the Pope are enjoying a leisurely day of fishing...

...when the bishop stands up, rocking their dinghy a little as he stretches. "Well, I'm parched!" he announces. "Back in a verse," he adds before stepping out of the boat and casually walking across the lake to the cooler. *Amazing, he is truly blessed by the Lord to walk across water,* thinks the pope as he witnesses the miracle before him.

His wonderment onl


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The Pope, Jesus, and an old man are playing golf.




The pope crosses himself, blesses the ball, and swings. He drives the ball 600ft. He bows his head and gives thanks for the amazing drive.


Jesus steps up to take his shot, I holds his hand in the air, creating a tailwind, and takes a swing. He drives the ball 900 ft.


The old man steps up to take his shot; with a putter. He gently t


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The Pope and a bishop are playing billiards together.

The Pope, surprisingly, is quite good, and hits great shot after shot. The bishop, beginning to lose, sees an opportunity for a great shot. He carefully aims, sights and misses the shot. In surprise and anger, he shouts, "Oh shit, I missed!"

The Pope is astounded by the bishop's language and berates him accordingly. The bishop profusely apologizes, and the game goes on.


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The pope has decided to take these new rape allegations head on...

Instead of the normal position, ass up.

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So the Pope is SUPER early for his flight.

He asks his driver on his way to the airport if he could drive around for a while because they have time to kill and he hasn't driven a car since becoming the pope.

Naturally, he's a bit rusty, so he's driving poorly, when suddenly he sees police lights behind him. He pulls over and when the officer comes up to the window his eyes go wide. He says to the pope "Hold


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Italian Police are told to give tickets to anyone, no matter how important

One morning, the Pope comes out of the Vatican and decides he wants to go for a drive. The Pope calls for a limousine, but when it arrives he tells the driver to get in the back, he’s going for a ride.

As he blasts down the road in his limousine he speeds past two motorcycle officers. One of the officers pulls over the limousine, and after a few minutes returns to his buddy.


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So the Pope is super early for his flight.

He asks his driver on his way to the airport if he could drive around for a while because they have time to kill and he hasn't driven a car since becoming the pope.

Naturally, he's a bit rusty, so he's driving poorly, when suddenly he sees police lights behind him. He pulls over and when the officer comes up to the window his eyes go wide. He says to the pope "Hold


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Jared goes to his boss and says that he is so famous EVERYONE knows.

Jared goes to his boss and says that he is so famous EVERYONE knows.

His boss obviously doesn't believe him.

The boss mockingly says,
"Well does Tom cruise know you then?"

Jared says "Of Course!" and takes his boss on a car ride to a film shoot,

They knock on a caravan door and Tom Cruise opens the door,


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What does the Pope say when he looks into a toilet?

"Holy Shit!"

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The Pope sleeps in holy sheets.

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Pope is asked to change the prayer from 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily coffee'."

The marketing Director of Nescafe manages to meet with the Pope at the Vatican.

After receiving the papal blessing, the Nescafe official whispers: 'Your Eminence, I have some business to discuss. We at Nescafe have an offer for you. Nescafe is prepared to donate $100 million to the church if you change the Lord's Prayer from 'Give us this day our daily bread' to &#


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What did the Pope call Batman when he caught him leaving church early?

Christian Bale

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Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to convert to Catholicism or leave Italy...

There was a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal. He'd have a religious debate with the leader of the Jewish community...

If the Jews won, they could stay in Italy; if the Pope won, they'd have to convert or leave.

The Jewish people met and picked an aged and wise Rabbi to represent them in the debate.

However, as the Ra


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So the Pope is SUPER early for his flight.

He asks his driver on his way to the airport if he could drive around for a while because they have time to kill and he hasn't driven a car since becoming the pope.

Naturally, he's a bit rusty, so he's driving poorly, when suddenly he sees police lights behind him. He pulls over and when the officer comes up to the window his eyes go wide. He says to the pope "Hold


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An American, a European and an Italian go to Vatican City to have dinner with the Pope.

All of them were at their obseqious best. The dinner time came and they all sat around the dining table.


Midways, the European turned to the Pope and requested: "Pope Divine, pass me the wine.”


Not to be outsmarted, the American turned a few moments later and graciously said:
"Pope Supreme, pass me the cream.”



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An American, a European and an Italian man go to Vatican City to have dinner with the Pope.

All of them were at their obseqious best. The dinner time came and they all sat around the dining table.


Midways, the European turned to the Pope and requested: "Pope Divine, pass me the wine.”


Not to be outsmarted, the American turned a few moments later and graciously said:
"Pope Supreme, pass me the cream.”



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An American, a Brit and an Italian went to Vatican City to have dinner with the Pope.

All of them were at their obseqious best. The dinner time came and they all sat around the dining table.


Midways, the European turned to the Pope and requested: "Pope Divine, pass me the wine.”


Not to be outsmarted, the American turned a few moments later and graciously said:
"Pope Supreme, pass me the cream.”



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An American, a European and an Italian went to Vatican City to have dinner with the Pope.

All of them were at their obseqious best. The dinner time came and they all sat around the dining table.


Midways, the European turned to the Pope and requested: "Pope Divine, pass me the wine.”


Not to be outsmarted, the American turned a few moments later and graciously said:
"Pope Supreme, pass me the cream”



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What kind of meat does a pope eat?

Nun

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Fed up with God's creations, Lucifer decides to lead an army to destroy humanity...

The war had been raging for many years, and humanity was slowly losing. Lucifer could raise a never ending stream of demons, and until he was contained, the fighting would never end.

In order to stop him, God gives the humans a ritual that would seal away Satan forever. The Pope was recruited to carry out this command the operation. However, before they could seal Lucifer away, they f


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A guy sits on a plane and realizes hes sitting beside The Pope.

He’s too intimidated to say anything but after awhile The Pope taps him on the shoulder and says, “Excuse me my son, but I’m doing a crossword puzzle and I’m stuck. The clue is ‘a 4 letter word that you can call a woman’ and it ends with U-N-T.”

The man sits for a minute, stumped until he exclaims, “Aha! I got it!! It’s aunt. A-U-N


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A priest is walking down the river one day

As he is strolling along he sees one of his parishioners fighting to land a fish. The priest jumps in to help land what they discover is a very large trout.
"Will you look at the size of that son of a bitch!" says the parishioner to which the priest is quick to chastise him for his bad language. Thinking quickly the parishioner explains that this type of fish is actually called a


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Every time a new Pope is elected...

...there are a lot of rituals in accordance with tradition. Well, there is one tradition that very few people know about. Shortly after the new Pope is enthroned, the Chief Rabbi seeks an audience. He is shown into the Pope's presence, whereupon he presents the Pope with a silver tray bearing a velvet cushion. On top of the cushion is an ancient, shriveled parchment envelope. The Pope symboli


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Who is the master of corn religion ?

The pope corn

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The Pope and Colonel Sanders of KFC are having a conversation about the change to the Lord's Prayer.

"Your Holiness," Sanders began. "You must make another change. Instead of give us today our daily bread, make it give us today our daily chicken."

"I cannot change these words!" The Pope was astounded. "They are ingrained in our very heritage!"

They negotiated until the Colonel finaly said, "Look. A **half-billion dollars** wil


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Polish Popes First Attempt at Speaking Italian

Back in 1978 : Karol Józef Wojtyla, born in Wadowice, Poland, was elected Pope. Not only was he the first Non-Italian pope elected in over 400 years, he was the first Polish Eminence elected ever. That being said, the biggest concern about his election was the fact that he was not Italian and the members of the Catholic church in Rome were worried about John Paul the second proficiency in


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The Queen of England and the Pope are at a hairdresser's

As they sat there, each being worked on by a different hairdresser, not a word was spoken.

The hairdressers were even afraid to start a conversation, for fear it would turn to religion.

As the hairdressers finished their haircut, the one who had the Queen in his chair reached for the perfume. The Queen was quick to stop him, saying:

“No thanks, my husb


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Everybody Knows Dave

''Dave was bragging to his boss one day, You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them." Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Dave, how about Tom Cruise? "No dramas boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it." So Dave and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door, and Tom Cruis


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The pope was touring the US in the back of a limo.

He's out on the open road traveling route 66 for a couple of hours when he starts to get bored.

He spends some time looking out the window, has a nap and when he wakes up quickly becomes more bored than before.

He rolls down the divider and says to the driver: "I'm getting really bored back here, why don't you pull over just here? I'll drive for a


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