Pointed

Jokes

Mickey Mouse was found murdered.

The time of death was easy to define for the investigators: his big hand pointed up and little hand pointed left.


(OC I think.)

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

Johnny was a bitter man

"Look at all those trees" he said as he pointed towards a forest. "I planted all of those. Do they call me Johnny Tree-planter for that reason? No they don't"

Johnny turned around and pointed at a row of houses. "Look at all those houses." He said. "I built those. All of them. Do they call me Johnny House-builder for that reason? No they don


read more
UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

80 year old man was having his annual checkup when the doctor asked how he was feeling... ...."I've never been better!" he boasted. "I've got an 18 year old bride who's pregnant and having my child! What do you think about that?"

The doctor considered this for a moment, then said, "Let me tell you a story. I knew a guy who was an avid hunter. He never missed a season. But one day he went out in a bit of a hurry and accidentally grabbed his umbrella instead of his gun."

The doctor continued, "So he was in the woods and suddenly a grizzly bear appeared in front of him! He raised up his umbrella, p


read more
UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

What did I do wrong

My teacher pointed to me with a ruler

Teacher: At the end of this ruler is an idiot

Me: surprised

Me: Which end???


I got detention for a week

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

A hen was holding a pen...

And proceeded to give me a lure. She pointed and said, "I'll ink, you bait the egg,"



(if you don't get it right away, just sit on it for a minute)

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

Sonic

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

A teacher pointed her pen to a student said "At the end of this pen is an idiot"

Student: Yea your end

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

Old Hunter

An 80 year old man was having his annual checkup when the doctor asked how he was feeling. "I've never been better!" he boasted. "I've got an 18 year old bride who's pregnant and having my child! What do you think about that?" The doctor considered this for a moment, then said, "Let me tell you a story. I knew a guy who was an avid hunter. He never missed a


read more
UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

A man died one day and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him.

He asked, "What are all those clocks?"

St. Peter replied, "Those are lie clocks. Everyone on earth has a lie-clock. Every time you lie the hands on the clock will move."

"Oh," said the man as he pointed at one of them, "Whose clock is that?"

St. Peter replied, "That's Mother Teresa's. The hands


read more
UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

A husband and wife are eating at Hooters for their 20th anniversary.

A busty gorgeous blond waitress comes up and asks them what they'd like to drink.
"Oh my god you are gorgeous." Said the husband with the intent of pissing his wife off.
His wife just shook her head and smiled.
"Why don't you introduce your wife to her you pig, or better yet, introduce her to your erectile dysfunction. "
The husband looks at t


read more
UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

He refused to act like a bird.

I pointed my gun at him and insisted.

But he was unflappable.

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

Me and my sister were on a nature trail. I said I wish Id brung my bike. My sister said Youre not allowed to cycle. I said But they are? I pointed to a disability sign

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

There was a substitute teacher that was replacing his friend in a rural school.

So the teacher came in and introduced himself. He asked the pupils to introduce themselves and tell the class what is their hobby.

​

He pointed a kid and asked him the question. He stood up and responded "Hi, my name is Andrew and I love to fish at the lake while watching sunset." The teacher nodded and allowed him to sit down.

&a


read more
UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

In 1859 before the advent of daguerreotypes, a gold rush broke out in southern California when a girl found less than an ounce immediately upon arriving at a picturesque site in the nearby mountains, but historians are skeptical that she found it so easily, because at the time

there were few available mattocks, the tool with a pointed end used to dig for gold, and no one would would have shared them from neighboring San Francisco. I don't think it happened either because in Los Angeles, everyone knows that an insta gram doesn't happen without pick shares.

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

A man recently bought a dozen bees...

He was so excited to get them home and start his own bee colony. He had done his research, made his preparations and was ready to start making his own honey.

Once he got home and got his new friends out into the yard he noticed that the store had accidentally given him 13 bees.

He went back to the store to let them know about the mix up but when he pointed it out to the


read more
UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

There was this construction worker on the 3rd floor

There was this construction worker on the 3rd floor of this unfinished building. He needed a hand saw, but was too lazy to go down and get it himself, so he tried to call his fellow worker on the ground to get it for him, but this guy could not hear a word he said. So he started to give a sign so the guy on the ground could understand him.

First he pointed at his eyes (meaning "I


read more
UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

Logic.

In class I learned:
Nothing is better than ice cream to eat on a hot summers day.
I also learned that if stranded on a desert island and you have crackers then at least they're better than nothing.
My professor then pointed out that crackers are better than ice cream and he logically proved it by stating that we had agreed nothing was better than ice cream and crackers were


read more
UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

A Mormon Bishop got on an elevator on the 10th floor, (he was heading to the lobby) when on the 8th floor a beautiful woman walked in

(they were alone). On the way to the lobby the gorgeous woman hit the stop button. She turned to the Bishop and said: "Can you make me feel like a true woman?" The Bishop said: "I sure can" and excitedly took off all his clothes, he then threw them in the corner of the elevator. He turned to the woman pointed to the clothes and said: "Now fold them".


read more
UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

The Mother-in-Law came round this morning.

I let her in the hallway. She pointed to a frame on the wall and said ‘Oh! I suppose that hideous painting on the wall there is what you call Modern art?’

I said ‘No Mother-in-Law. It’s the new MIRROR!’

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

Man: My girlfriend is pregnant, but I always wear a condom. How did this happen?

Doctor: Let me tell you a story; a hunter carried his gun with him everywhere he went. One day, he mistakenly grabbed his umbrella and went out. A lion attacked him and hoping to scare it off he pointed the umbrella at it like a rifle and yelled "Bang" and the lion dropped dead.

Man: That's impossible, someone else must have shot it.

Doctor: I'm glad y


read more
UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

In a certain suburban neighborhood, there were two brothers, 8 and 10 years old, who were exceedingly mischievous.

Whatever went wrong in the neighborhood, it turned out they had had a hand in it. Their parents were at their wit’s end trying to control them.
Hearing about a priest nearby who worked with delinquent boys, the parents thought that they should ask the priest to talk with the boys. The priest agreed to talk with the boys and asked to see the younger boy first. So the mother sent him to


read more
UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

Everest or Mount Everest

I don’t know, the guy at the horse ranch just pointed and said “Mount Everest”

Instruction or Introduction? We may never know

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

A blonde offers a painting service to a rich man to earn money.

The rich man said: "Well go ahead and paint my porch."

The blonde goes about her business and when it wad time to pay the bill, she charged him $50.

His wife asked "Why is it so cheap? Does she know the porch extends around the house?"

He replied: "Sure, we were standing on it as I told her what to do and pointed it out as well."


read more
UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

A Man Walks Into A Bar

​

​

A man walke into a bar and he said to the bartender: "Ey - oh -arhgh - ma - ha!"

​

"Excuse me," said the bartender. "Could you repeat that?"

​

"Ey - oh -arhgh - ma - ha!" says the man, again.

&#x20


read more
UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

Tom, fresh out of law school, got a job in a small town

The first day on the job he was shown around the town by his boss Paul. At the end of the tour he asked his boss where he could buy alcohol should he want any to which Paul replied:
"Well, around here we make our own, have you ever tried moonshine?"

"No, but that's illegal, aren't you afraid of being caught?" asked Tom.
"Everyone here doe


read more
UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

A Blonde walked into a electronics store...

She came in the shop and asked for a Tv. The man asked her which one. She pointed to the one she thought was cheapest. Instantly the guard said "No blondes allowed".

The next day she came in wearing a red wig. She did the exact same thing and the guard kicked her out again.

The 3rd day, she dyed her hair black and came in. She asked for the exact same thing. T


read more
UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

Official Facts About Uranus



The following questions were answered by astronomer Dr. Cathy Imhoff of the Space Telescope Science Institute.

-The Sun doesn't shine on Uranus.

How far is Uranus from the sun?
Uranus is 19 times farther from the sun than Earth is. That is almost 2,000,000,000 (two billion) miles!

-Uranus is very uncomfortable.

Why is Ura


read more
UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

A

A couple decide that they need a guard dog.

So the guy goes to a pet shop and says to one of the employees “I need a guard dog to protect my apartment”

The employee responds “I have the perfect dog for you”, she then showed him a Chihuahua. The man was not impressed and said “I need a dog that can guard our house and fend off burglars, a Chi


read more
UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

A tour guide was leading a tour at an old abandoned mine

" ...and right over there is where they kept the dynamite. That sign is the original sign to indicate the storage place of these dangerous tools. Now then, any questions?"

A young boy raised his hand.

"Yes?" said the guide.

The boy pointed towards the end of a tunnel. "Who's she?"

The guide looked over to where


read more
UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

A friend of mine moved out of town ten years ago.

Yesterday, he finally came to visit me after all these years and we took a walk around our old neighbourhood.

“This is our old schoolyard, remember?”, I asked him, and I could see he was getting very nostalgic while looking at it. “Yeah, I sure do, man!”, he replied with a tiny tear in his eye.

“And this is my parents house, do you remember


read more
UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

I was doing yard work after the storm this weekend and my wife was about to take a shower.

I realized that I couldn't find the rake. I yelled up to my wife, "Where's the rake?"

She couldn't hear me and she shouted back, "What?"

I pointed to my eye, then I pointed to my knee and made a raking motion. Then my wife wasn't sure and said, "What?"

I repeated the gestures: "EYE KNEE THE RAKE."


read more
UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

Why do mexicans wear pointed boots?

Because it makes it easier to get over a fence.

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

Back in the 1800s, there was an oil refinery inspector...

He was ordered to inspect 3 refineries: Steve's Refinery, George's Refinery, and Miss Daffodil's Refinery. Each one operated in the same town.

The moment he stepped off the train, the smell was nauseating. It only got worse as he approached the first refinery, but bearably so. The sign read "Steve's Refinery". He went and spoke to the owner, saying, "


read more
UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

A DEA Agent went to a farm to search for illegally grown drugs

When he arrived he told the farmer, “I am going to need to search your land for illegally grown drugs.”

The farmer replied, “that’s fine, but don’t go into that field over there."

Agitated by this, the officer explodes saying, “do you see this god damn badge son?! This badge means I can go where I please, when I please, how I pleas


read more
UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

I pointed out a unique post on Reddit to a friend. He rolled his eyes and said there is nothing new on there. I insisted and showed it to him.

Oh, see?

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

Winston Churchill: wittiest leader in history

Nancy Astor, the first woman seated in Parliament, said to Prime Minister Churchill, "If you were my husband, I would give you poison," to which Churchill replied, "if I was your husband, I would drink it."

On another occasion in the House of Commons, the elderly Lady Astor pointed out that Churchill had been drinking. Churchill, who drank a fifth of Scotch and a


read more
UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

A couple decide that they need a guard dog

So the guy goes to a pet shop and says to one of the employees “I need a guard dog to protect my apartment”

The employee responds “I have the perfect dog for you”, she then showed him a chihuahua. The man was not impressed and said “I need a dog that can guard our house and fend off burglars, a chihuahua can’t do that.”

“But


read more
UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

A construction worker on the seventh floor of a building needs a handsaw

A construction worker on the 5th floor of a building needed a handsaw. So he spots another worker on the ground floor and yells down to him, but he can't hear him. So the worker on the 5th floor tries sign language. He pointed to his eye meaning "I", pointed to his knee meaning "need", then moved his hand back and forth in a hand saw motion. The man on the ground floor nod


read more
UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

Another movie reboot

Pam and Doug were walking past a movie theatre when Doug pointed and said “hey look they’re remaking that old PG-13 classic, but it looks like this time they’re giving it an R!”

Pam looked over and, sure enough, there was a big poster for Planet Of The Rapes

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

A man pointed his gun at me and asked if I had lived a good life

Sounded like a loaded question to me

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

I went luggage shopping with my detective friend.

I pointed at one and said, “This looks like an open and shut case.”

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

A man walked into a hardware store and asked "how much is that thot".

"What?" asks the clerk.

The man pointed to the garden tools. "That hoe over there."

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

So my parents were pointing around the house and they said disa chair, disa table, disa fridge....

Then they pointed at me and said disappointment

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

A man is locked in a room with no doors or windows...

The only thing in there with him is a red marble and a blue marble.

He says, “well, I have a red marble and I have a blue marble, and two haves make whole.” And so he uses that whole to climb out.

You say, “That’s stupid. It’s two *halves* that make a whole, not two ‘haves.’ And anyway a ‘whole’ isn’t spelled


read more
UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

My teacher pointed towards me with his ruler and said "At the end of this ruler, there's an idiot."

I got detention after asking which end.

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

Ballerina (A Boudreaux and Thibodeaux joke)



An extremely large, muscular woman, wearing a sleeveless sundress, walked into a bar.

She raised her right arm, revealing a huge, hairy armpit and pointed to all the men sitting at the bar and asked,

"Which of you men will buy a lady a drink?"

The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her.

At the end of the ba


read more
UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

There is a small community of Jews and Christians living in a town in Italy

The Christians say they were there first, so the Jews should leave, they Jews protest this action, so the Christians say they have three days to leave the town, the Jews want to send forth a rabbi to fight their corner, but he doesn’t speak Italian, the Christians send a priest who doesn’t know Hebrew, so they decide in a silent conversation.

The next day the priest and th


read more
UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

So a guy buys a camal

He gets on the camal and rides it to the local bar to meet up with his friends. As he's talking about the new camal one of his friends asks what gender the camal is and the guy tells him the camal is female. His friend asks him how he knows and the guys says while he was riding over here someone pointed and yelled "look at the big pussy on that camal"


read more
UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

I went to a library that had a section with jokes about rock band leaders, there were different sections for each individual.



“What are these?” I asked the librarian about one section.

“These are Paul Mccartney jokes,” she answered.

I pointed to another section. “What about those?”

“Those are Jimmy Page jokes.”

I walked over to a third section. “And these?”

“These r / jokes.&q


read more
UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

I went to a library that had a section with jokes about rock band leaders, there were different sections for each individual.

“What are these?” I asked the librarian about one section.

“These are Paul Mccartney jokes,” she answered.

I pointed to another section. “What about those?”

“Those are Jimmy Page jokes.”

I walked over to a third section. “And these?”

“These r/Jokes.”


read more
UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE
LOAD MORE