Planned

Jokes

What do you call a planned invasion of Egypt?

A pyramid scheme.

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

Susie Lee Done Fell In Love

Susie Lee done fell in love;
She planned to marry Joe.
She was so happy ’bout it all
She told her Pappy so.

Pappy told her, “Susie gal,
You’ll have to find another.
I’d just as soon yo’ Ma don’t know,
But Joe is yo’ half brother.”

So Susie put aside her


read more
UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

What do you call a group of crows at a planned meet up?

Pre-meditated Murder.

What do you call a group of agitated crows?

Aggravated Murder.

I will see myself out.

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

Chris Christie's autobiography is titled 'Let me finish'

That wasnt the original title he'd planned, he was just at the buffet when the publishers called.

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

What do you call a well planned microwave?

A tactical nuke

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

If Christopher Columbus had had a wife, he would have had to hear: - Part II

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

Why didnt marshmallows show go as planned?

They found peas in his violins.

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

Got the cops called on me for selling baby clothes

i guess planned parenthood isnt what i thought it was.

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

Did you hear the president of Planned Parenthood was fired after just eight months?

I mean, that was close! Can you imagine if they allowed her to reach full term?

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

What happened to the bard that planned a murder with a lute?

It went all achording to plan.

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

What do you call 10 dead babies in a garbage can?

Planned Parenthood

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

Wheres your bicycle, Father?"

... I asked the parish priest. It was the first time I had seen him walking in years!

“Don’t know, I think it might have been stolen, but I'll know for sure on Sunday” he replied. “At my next sermon I will go through the Ten Commandments. When I get to ‘thou shalt not steal’ I'll be watching their faces closely. Someone's sure to loo


read more
UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

A brilliant pharma scientist has been trying to get rich by inventing something new

He Cured AIDS. But the government paid him a nominal amount and took over his cure.

The same thing happened with Cancer. His efforts were minimally rewarded.

No matter what he tried, his efforts were being wasted all the time.

One day, he thought enough is enough and decided to become a mad scientist.

He invented a new kind of flu virus and plann


read more
UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

If you think women take a long time getting ready for something

My wife hasn't even planned her funeral yet...




2 weeks. Its been TWO weeks since I killed her

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

If you think Alex Morgans tea cup celebration was distasteful,

You would have *really* hated the routine she had planned for Japan.

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

-Mommy, was I planned?

-Ask your father
-What father?
-Exactly

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

What do you call a well planned Camping trip that will be awesome in the future?

Po'tent'ial

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

I planned to sell my sweets, 3 in a pack for 10 bucks but it seems that I make no sense.

I make dollars.

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

Planned Parenthood is conducting a beauty contest.

The winner will be called 'Miss Carriage'.

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

Whats the worst part of locking your keys in the car outside planned parenthood?

Having to go back in and ask for a hanger.

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

What do you call a meeting with your doctor that doesn't go the way you planned?

A disappointment.

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

Why do some melons have very planned-out and well-attended weddings?

Because they cantaloupe.

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

A visit from the Royal Family

The duke of Westria came to visit France. While on the way, a computer tracked his movements and planned out his course in advance, to allow people to check where he will go next. One day, however, the computer crashed, so a French person had to go on ahead on the planned route and inform the people of the duke's arrival.

2 days before he crossed into France, he came upon the por


read more
UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

Why was the Muslim kid upset?

Because a white kid shot up his school the same day he planned to bomb it.

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

I locked my keys in my car outside of planned parenthood

Should I go in and ask them to borrow a hanger?

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

.. then suddenly everyone ran out of Planned Parenthood screaming...

.. apparently it was a premature evacuation.

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

What does Germany and Planned Parenthood have in common?

Both each had their own holocaust, one for Jews and the other for unborn babies.

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

United Airlines should be a sponsor of Planned Parenthood

for all the takeoffs they abort

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

Walked in on my cousin pleasuring herself with a carrot today...

I was mad because I had planned on eating that later, now it’s just gonna taste like carrots..

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

My buddy, who is in a wheelchair, had a date planned but she didn't show

It was the first time he got stood up

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

Three robbers were going to rob a bank

There names where George, Mitch, and bob, they planned the robbery and decided to so it on Friday the 18th, but on the 12th Mitch managed to get arrested
Nevertheless they went on with it and
The plan went off without a Mitch

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

How many people does Trump need to change a light bulb?

His whole administration!
He first needs to roll back federal efficiency standards on light bulbs and then get someone to find an extinct incandescent bulb to screw on.



Source: Trump administration planned to roll back light bulb efficiency standards last month.

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

Damn commies

Stalin: We have a very sophisticated system planned out for this country.

Everyone: But how does it work?

Stalin: It doesn’t.

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

I went to an orgy with a bunch of lawyers, it didnt go as planned though,

Just turned into a mass debate.

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

Film Role

I was beaten to a lead role in a film, and I have planned to get my revenge on Matt Damon ever since.

I’ll make him wish he’d never been Bourne!

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

Planned Parenthood as a train:

Conductor: “All Aboorrttttttt!”

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

My girlfriend didn't think it was worth the time to even get me a card for Valentine's day

Well on the bright side, when I go to our planned Amsterdam trip by myself this Spring instead of with her i'll be able bang a buncha hookers yeehaw!!!!!!

​

Ha...................ha.....................ha...........

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

I planned to go to the costume party as a eunuch...

... but I couldn't quite pull it off.

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

Alex Jones dies and meets Jesus at the pearly gates.

As they are waiting to see if God will allow Alex into heaven, Jesus says:

"Alex, while we wait you can ask me any question and I will answer it".

So Alex asks him, "who planned 9/11?"

And Jesus responds "Osama Bin Laden"

Alex goes " wow, this goes higher up than I thought."


read more
UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

Tomorrow I'll find out whether I'll be an aunt or an uncle!

I hope my vasectomy goes as planned, though.

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

Did you hear that the Soviets are updating their sex ed programs?

I hear that it is planned to be implemented by the nomenclitoris.

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

In light of the planned parenthood budget cuts,

Couples who want IVF have been told to go f*ck themselves.

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

I have two jokes:

1: There was a potato hitch hiking across PCH. A storm began to form and he was desperate to get in a car. Cars would keep driving by him, but luckily someone stopped and took him in. The driver was going in the direction the potato needed, and was going to drop him off on his way. The driver’s heater was broken and the car continued to heat up. Hot air blew into the car and if became uncom


read more
UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

My girlfriend and I Planned to commit suicide together...

... But once she killed herself, things started looking a lot more positive.

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

"You left a floater in there you idiot", he screamed at me as he emerged from the toilet.

My first day as an astronaut was not going as planned.

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

I walked in on my sister masturbating with a carrot which i planned to eat later

No thanks to her, now it’s going to taste like carrots

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

I planned a threesome last night

Had a great time despite a couple cancellations

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

My 2019 goal

My goal in 2019 is to accomplish the goals I set in 2018 which I should have done in 2017 because I made a promise in 2016 which I planned in 2015…

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

The funeral

Darryl and Diane are a lovely retired couple. One day Darryl's beloved wife passes away. Heartbroken, Darryl arranges the funeral, and asks his good friend Dave to say a few words at the end of the service; Dave agrees.

When the day of the funeral comes, Darryl is a wreck, he doesn't know how he is going to give the eulogy without breaking down completely. But as hit sits th


read more
UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

A boy fall in love with a red-green colour blind girl.

“Colour blindness is genetic condition!” Cries his parents.

But the boy loves her so he proposed and soon the girl was pregnant.

They planned the wedding to be right after the birthday of their daughter.

Their daughter was born and diagnosed to be also red-green colour blind.

The boy left the girl before their wedding.


read more
UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE
LOAD MORE