Pissed

Jokes

Kiss my ass!

A Bald man, having tried all the medications and remedies out there, sees an AD for hair transplants and goes to the doctors office.

Bald man: Ive tried everything Doc, how does it all work?

Doc: Well, through our research we have discovered that the strongest hair follicles are located on the skin around the anus. We will extract them from there and meticulously transpla


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A masochist with a watersports fetish would rather be pissed off

then pissed on.

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Why did the shit stain leave the toilet bowl?

It got pissed off.

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I had a wet dream about you last night

I dreamt you slipped on a banana peel, and I laughed so much that I pissed my pants

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Why did the fly leave the urinal?

It was pissed off.

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What do you say when u pissed off a Catholic?

It is all a part of god's plan

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Why did the fly leave the toilet seat?

Because he he got pissed off!

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I get really pissed off at racists who say Im cheap because Im part Jewish.

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My gf told me to write a post here, "if this gets 10 up votes I will lose my anal virginity tonight"

I did not do it, because she lives in another city and was not with me that day. I was pretty pissed when she came for a surprise visit that evening..

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An Epistolary Novel is a story told through documents, most commonly letters. What do you call a book of letters between two drunk Irishmen?

An I'm-Pissed-O'Leary Novel.

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Cannibals hold a grudge.

I was invited to attend a cannibal banquet, but showed up late. Apparently they were pissed because all I got was the cold shoulder.

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Two men were out in the forest, picking mushrooms

One man picks another mushroom and decides to eat it. After finishing it, he says "This tastes like piss." The other man responds "Yes, I know, I just pissed on it."

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There was two pubes on a toilet seat

One got pissed off

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My wife is pissed I got her a stuffed bear for Christmas

Apparently she wanted a stuffed turkey for dinner instead.

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I met this girl at the club today whos a stripper

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Man its been 3months subscribing to a gym. And im pissed right now! No changes AT ALL

Guess ill start going tomorrow

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After giving me my check, I asked my waitress oh so you just want the tip? She rolled her eyes...

She was really pissed when I only paid 20% of my tab.

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I told my friend a joke about kidney failure

He pissed himself laughing

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I once pissed on an electric fence..

.. My name was Trevor, now it's Tracy.

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My dog pisses on everything to show its his...

...so I pissed on him

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A little boy says to his nursery school teacher...

..."I found a dead cat."
"How do you it was dead?" asked the teacher.
"I pissed in its ear and it didn't move"
"You did what???"
"You know, it didn't move when I leaned over and went 'Pssst' in it's ear"

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My cock was actually in the Guinness Book of World Records once.

But it really pissed off the librarian and she kicked me out.

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Why doesn't Donald Trump ever get pissed off?

Because he's too busy getting pissed on.

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Why did the condom fly out of the window?

Because it got pissed off!

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I was over an hour late when I finally showed up at work. Of course my boss was pissed and told me he'd looked everywhere for me.

I told him, "it's like they say. Good employees are hard to find"

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My friend just told me I was a pushover

I was honestly really pissed and upset he'd say that about me, i told him but said it was true so Id let it slide

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Guy tells hours wife he's going out for cigarettes...

He gets his smokes and waiting to pay when the woman in front of him turns and says, "I just broke up with my boyfriend...I could use some company..."
The dude mulls it over and decides to go home with her. They have sex and he falls asleep... At 3AM, he wakes in a panic knowing his wife is going to be furious... He yells at the woman, "Where's your baby powder?"


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An albino was born in a black african tribe...

Pissed, the chief meets the white doctor :
"-you must be the father!"
"-no, it happens sometimes. Look, you have sheeps, and sometimes, one is black"
"-Ok, ok. i won't say anything for the baby, and you don't say anything about the sheep."

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People have been saying that I look like my cousin

I used the man filter on my face and look the spitting image of my cousin.

I showed it to her and she's pissed off with me now.

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What happened when Napoleon went to Mount Olive?

Popeye got Pissed

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Pawpaw wakes up one Sunday morning

And decides to mow the yard.

He grabs a beer, goes to the garage and fires up the ride along lawn mower.

Pawpaw is cruising the yard in pure beer bliss when a cat runs right in front of his mower, causing him to jump and spill his beer on himself.

"Damned cat! Lucky I didn't run ya over!"

Pawpaw keeps on mowin.

A few m


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Ever heard of the artist who pissed on little girls?

Pee-Diddy might want a name change

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My wife really pissed me off tonight before she went to bed early..

So I went in the basement and took a huge shit in the cats litter box. That should keep her confused for a good week.

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Writes a book "100 ways to make girl pissed"

*After mass protests, 100 Threat calls, legal notice*

Release 2nd edition "101 ways to make girl pissed"

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I just pissed with a boner

I though it was quite hard

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A guy walks into a bar with a dog...

... The bartender looks up and says, "You can't come in here with that mutt!"

The guy says, "Whoa, whoa, whoa! This ain't no ordinary dog. As a matter of fact, you should be paying for my drinks, because this dog is going to draw a crowd. It's a talking dog."

The bartender scoffs, but is curious non-the-less, "Let's hear him.&q


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Last night I asked a homeless girl if I could take her home with me.

She was pissed when I walked away with her cardboard box

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I was so pissed off when I had to buy a $400 plane ticket for my child.

The craigslist ad said the price included postage.

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In this world...

You either get pissed off or pissed on, so get angry or get kinky

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My wife died from alcohol.

I came home pissed one night and shot the bitch!

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Two Black Eyes

One day a guy comes home from church sporting two black eyes. His wife says to him, yo, what the heck happened to you? Guy says, I’m sitting behind this lady, and when we stand for prayers, I notice her dress is stuck up the crack of her ass, so I reach out and tug it out for her. She turns around and as pissed as can be, whacks me in the eye. The wife says, well how did you get the shiner i


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What do you call a bunch of Pissed off fishermen?

Salty seamen


My girlfriend came up with this
Say hi if you want to be in the screenshot

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I met a girl at a party last night. I said you remind me of my little toe. She said small and petite?

“No, I’ll probably bang you on the table later when I’m pissed”.

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Pissed off 2 people today by calling them Hipsters.

Apparently, the correct term is conjoined twins.

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I pissed off two people today by calling them hipsters.



Apparently the correct term is conjoined twins.

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I pissed off two people today by calling them hipsters.



Apparently the correct term is conjoined twins.

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My friend got pissed because I dropped his baby...

I told in the first place that he shouldn’t have made me a pallbearer.

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A little boy was pissing up the window of a bakery. The baker rushed out and shouted at the boy, What would YOU think if I pissed up YOUR window?

“That you must have a long schlong,” The boy replied, “I live on the seventh floor.”

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I burnt my finger on the barbecue earlier.

The local cannibal was very pissed off.

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I was really pissed when I saw a idiot trying to row his boat in a middle of completely dried out lake bed

If I knew how to swim I would have gone there smacked him one.

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