A squirrel is relaxing in his tree
when it suddenly starts to shake violently. He looks outside and sees an elephant climbing the tree.
The squirrel says "hey elephant, what are you doing?"
The elephant replies "I'm climbing this tree to eat some pears!"
"You dummy," sayeth the squirrel, "this is a pine tree... there's no pears up here."
The elephant says &qu
What is a dyslexic vegans favorite part of a joke?
The lunch pine.
Did you hear about the guy who doesnt like pizza?
He was a real pine apple.
Why don't pine trees eat salad?
Because they're coniferous.
A teacher asks her class their favorite afterschool snacks.
“Decklyn,” the teacher calls to the new student in the back of the room, “what’s your favorite afterschool snack?”
“Nuts,” he replies.
“Very good,” the teacher replies. “What kind of nuts? Peanuts? Pine nuts?”
A man is driving home, drunk as a skunk.
Suddenly he has to swerve to avoid a tree, then another, then another.
A police car pulls him over as he veers all over the road. The drunk tells the cop about all the trees in the road.
The cop says, “For God’s sake! That’s your pine tree air freshener swinging about.”
A man named Pine knocks on the door of William Spooner...
Spooner opens the door and greets the man standing there, but raises the question "why have you knocked on my door?"
The man named Pine (his real name is Pinocchio, but that's irrelevant) responds, "I'm here for the free meal. You said you were hosting a buffet meal today"
Spooner looks puzzled, "You must be mistaken, I never said I was
Did you hear about the pine tree that ate the old man?
They said it was coniferous
Ive started using garlic in my magic act. First I start by crushing it, adding basil and some pine nuts and then I blend them altogether with some Parmesan and olive oil...
Two trees are having an argument in the forest.
I new a sapling has popped up between a maple and a pine and the two of them got into an argument over what kind of tree it is.
The maple thinks it's a son of a birch, and the pine thinks it's a son of a beech. Neither one was willing to concede to the other.
Maple "it's a son of a birch"
Pine "it's a son of a beech"
"Son of a b
What do you say to a good looking Xmas tree?
Dayum you pine as hell!
I jerk off with Pine-sol
Because it's good for wood.
What is an environmentalist's spirit animal?
Why are pine trees always stoned ?
They have to many cones
Do you know what I love most about baseball?
The pine tar, the resin, the grass, the dirt. And that’s just in the hot dogs
My 4 year old daughter looks out the window
She says "what is wrong with the tree"?
I look outside and say "nothing, it's pine".
Why did the pine tree fall over?
It had too many cones
What do you get when one person thinks that there are 18 pine nuts in a pine cone and another person thinks there is 17 pine nuts in the same pine cone?
A difference of a piñon!
My girlfriend dressed up as a officer and told Pine Tree State i used to be beneath arrest on suspicion of being sensible in bed.
After two minutes all charges were born because of a scarcity of proof
What is a Norwegian Blues favourite fruit?
Whats the only good thing to come out of Dallas, Tx?
A pine box.
Today, I decided to go and meet my good friend Chris Pine.
We hadn't seen each other in ages, but I decided to go and catch up with him for old time's sake. We went on a stroll down the park, waiting in the ice cream line as it was a hot day. Next, we went to a theater, but the phantom of the opera was showing, and the theater line was full. Exasperated, and famished, we decided to head to grab some food and go home. But there was no lunch, pine
Which tree is the most pensive?
The ponder-osa pine.
The squirrel and the elephant
A squirrel lives in his very own pine tree. One day he feels it shaking, looks down, and sees an elephant climbing the tree.
"What are you doing climbing my tree!?" screams the squirrel
"I'm coming up to have some pears," says the elephant.
"You idiot, this is a pine tree, there are no pears."
"I brought my
I changed up how I make my basil, garlic and pine nuts sauce
And pesto-chango, I had a new recipe.
What is the difference between a pine cone and a cheeto?
You are fucking stupid if you don't know
What do you call a pine tree that isn't sexually attracted to other trees?
What do you call a household miracle?
AJAX, THE SUPER CHEAP BATHROOM CLEANER, JUST FOR 8.99 FOR A LIMITED TIME. AJAX: THE ULTIMATE CLEANER, PINE SCENTED, JUST THE WAY NATURE INTENDED YOUR HOUSE TO SMELL
A scientist was playing scrabble with his wife
She played "PINE", he had "LMHIOJK". He played all of his letters at once to form a 8-letter word along with the "N". What did he make?
Why did the arborist plant new pine trees on their front lawn?
To spruce things up a bit.
What do you call a fat rodent?
My pig stepped on a land mind under a tree
Now I have a porky pine.
The Old Golfer
A young man who was also an avid golfer found himself with a few hours to spare one afternoon. He figured if he hurried and played very fast, he could get in nine holes before he had to head home. Just as he was about to tee off an old gentleman shuffled onto the tee and asked if he could accompany the young man as he was golfing alone. Not being able to say no, he allowed the old gent to join him
Two guys are out hunting..
Let's call them Joe and Billy.
"I gotta crap Billy" Joe casually mentions.
"We're in the middle of the woods, Joe, just go behind that tree"
Joe proceeds to saunter over behind the tree and, shortly thereafter, calls out to see if Billy remembered to grab some toilet paper.
"No, I didn't bring any toilet
What do you call an atheist in a six foot pine box?
All dressed up, with no place to go.
Why did the tree keep getting grounded?
Because it was s knotty pine!
What do you call a questionable porcine?
What's the difference between BMW and a Porky Pine?
The porky Pine has the prick on the outside.
The Old Golfer
A young man who was an avid golfer found himself with a few hours to spare one afternoon. He figured if he hurried, and played very fast, he could get in 9 holes before he had to head home. Just as he was about to tee off, an old gentleman shuffled onto the tee and asked if he could accompany the young man.
Not being able to say no, he allowed the old gent to join him. To his surpris
A squirrel is living in a pine tree, when one day it starts to shake and rock...
... so he looks outside and he sees a large elephant trying to climb up the tree.
"What the hell!" the squirrel exclaims. "What the hell do you think you're doing climbing up this tree?!"
The elephant responds. "I'm climbing up here to eat pears."
The squirrel is befuddled. "You moron! This is a pine tree! There ar
Beech or birch?
A new tree took root in the forest directly between a stately beech and a handsome birch who both claimed it as theirs. They argued day and night over whether or not the new sapling was a son of a beech or a son of a birch. Finally, all the little forest creatures asked them to stop arguing. The woodpecker was recruited to check the bark of the new tree to learn once and for all what kind of tre
What do women and pine trees have in common?
Every time you try to get on one, they ruin it by getting sappy.
How did the angel get on top of the christmas tree?
So one year, Santa was having a bad time of it. The reindeer were threatening a strike, the elves had to recall 30% of their toys due to manufacturing defects, all in all, just a frustrating time.
So Santa stood up and made a very LOUD announcement.
"I am going to my study. I'm taking my boots off, having a cup of hot cider, and am going to read a good book.
What kind of Tree is that?
So there is an Oak and Pine tree beside each other. Between them is a tiny sapling and they are arguing over who the sapling belongs to. Along comes a wood pecker who lands on the Oak and starts drilling away.
"Hey Wood Pecker, come here." Said the Oak and the Wood Pecker flies up on a brand near his face.
"Me and the Pine here are trying to determine whose kid th
What did the evergreen tree say to it's love interest?
"Oh, how I pine for you!"