Pinch

Jokes

I take all condiment advice

with a pinch of salt.

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Why do crabs with IBS nest under bakeries?

It's the easiest place to pinch a loaf.

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A titty twister is an old story about a nipple pinch

...but with a twist

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"Hey Bud, why don't you use condoms?"

"My pull out game is superb. Condoms are also expensive, gotta pinch pennies when you have 14 kids to feed."

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An Amish farmer needs to buy a horse. It would need to be a large horse due to all the plowing and pulling wagons.

He goes to the local stable to find some of the biggest horses that he has ever seen. He asks the stable man, “ how do you get your horses to grow so large?” The stable man tells him that he castrates all the horses personally. Wow, says the farmer. Are you a Veterinarian? Stable man says “ No, I just take two bricks and slap them together on the horses nuts.” Farmer says,


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A man walks into a bar

A man walks into a bar and notices several lines of people getting beaten. Curious, he walks to the bartender.

Man: “What’s with these people getting beaten?”

Bartender: “Oh, those guys refused to pay their tabs so we kidnapped ‘em and let people hurt them for money, their punishment varies depending on their tab.”

M: &ldqu


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Two deaf people get married and are confused on how to communicate about sex.

The wife says with sign language,"Now that we're married, we need a quick way to communicate whether we want to have sex or don't want to have sex." She thinks for a moment,"Okay when you want to have sex, pinch my right nipple. When you don't want to have sex, pinch my left nipple."

The husband agrees,"That will work!"

The w


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You have to take these modern homeopathic health fads with a pinch of salt.

Preferably Himalayan pink rock salt, due to its high mineral content and detoxifying effects.

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A new Pillsbury product now has laxatives in the ingredients

Their new slogan: Go ahead, pinch off a loaf.

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Two lions relax in the shade...

"Another amazing meal, bro!"

"Yeah, the cubs are delicious in a pinch, but the ol' lady is gonna be mad again."

​

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White people are like salt

A pinch will add some flavour, too much will kill you.

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How do you make a fruit farmer scream?

pinch his plums

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Inspector Javert runs up to Jean Valjean....

And having been chasing him forever, he triumphantly proclaims, “I’ve got you! All these years and I’ve finally got you! Say goodbye to your life of luxury 24601! You’re mine now, and you’re in deep shit!”

To which Jean Valjean coolly replies, “well, Javert, I guess this is what happens when I pinch a loaf.”


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How do you tell if your wife is faking it?

Just pinch her nipples during coitus. Whatever sound she makes is real!

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Went out with a bang...

A tough old cowboy with grizzled hair, chiseled featured, and hands tougher than the sharpest barbs on new wire told his grandson that the secret to living a long life was to sprinkle a pinch of gun powder on his oatmeal every morning.

With absolute faith, the grandson did as Grandpap instructed. Every morning for the rest of his life, he added a pinch of gun powder to his oatmeal.


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How does an old man prepare for Florence when he's in a pinch?

He grabs his hurry cane and leaves.

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What's a musician's favorite weapon?

C4.

But a knife will do in a pinch, so long as its #.

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Here's a pinch to grow an inch

When boys get circumcised

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I heard a rumour that tequila can be drunk neat.

But I took it with a pinch of salt.

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What did the clever guy say to the stupid guy?

Pinch punch first of the month

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In a pinch, you can cut the fingers off of rubber gloves and use each of them as a contraceptive.

Just a handy tip.

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My doctor told me to cut down on sodium.

I took his advice with a pinch of salt.

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I should get my pilots license

When I scratch my balls every morning, I’m practicing my yawn, pinch, and roll.

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You should always keep a girl who likes nipple play on speed dial.

They're good in a pinch.

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How do you make artichoke dip?

When Arti tries to put a pinch of Skoal between his lip and gum, punch him in the throat.

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What did one crab say to the other crabs?

Everybody pinch in for the pizza.

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Visiting married friends

Hamish MacTavish is visiting his married friends Sandy and Glenda MacDougal.

”Sandy, I can’t help it,” says Hamish, ”but Glenda really turns me on. If I could pinch her bare backside just once, I would give you a thousand dollars.”

”For that kind of money,” says Sandy, ”I don’t think that Glenda would mind. Would you,


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How do you drown a little Asian boy?

Pinch his nose before you cum.

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People tell me I use too many clichs.

But I take it with a pinch of salt.

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What do you get when you ask for a Roman pinch hitter?

An Italian sub!

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Why did the skeptic man have high blood pressure?

Because he kept taking advice with a pinch of salt!

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How did the cynic die?

He died of liver failure.

He took everything with a pinch of salt.

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St. Patricks Day

Whenever people pinch me on Saint Patricks Day, I punch them.
Because whatever you do with "I" I do with "U"

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St. Patricks Day

Whenever people pinch me on Saint Patricks Day, I punch them.
Because whatever you do with "I" I do with "U"

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A newly wed couple laying in bed...

...the wife turns to her husband and says, "Sweetheart, I've decided we need to have a 'signal' that we want to have sex. If you want to have sex, reach over and pinch my nipple once. If you don't want to have sex, pinch it twice."

The husband says, "Okay, and if you want to have sex, reach over, grab my penis and pull once. If you don't want


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Every time I pinch a loaf

I think,"I don't knead this shit."

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I made the mistake of calling my friend..

on his landline before he went to work. He sounded upset and told me he had just enough time to sit down and pinch one off when the phone rang. He saw it was me and decided to answer. I felt horrible and said, "No shit."

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What Did The Jumbo Shrimp Say To The Jumbo Crab?

"Looks like you've got me in a pinch."

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Talking to my grandpa today.

He asks, "what's the second fastest thing in the universe?"

"I don't know, grandpa," I say.

"Your asshole closing," he says.

I, now confused, ask, "what's the first fastest thing in the universe then?"

He looks at me with a straight, almost sad, face, and responds -

"


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Getting A Refund

A woman went to a K-Mart service counter and tells the clerk she wants a refund for the toaster she bought because it won't work. The clerk tells her that he can't give her a refund because she bought it on a special offer. Suddenly, the woman throws her arms up in the air and starts screaming, "PINCH MY NIPPLES, PINCH MY NIPPLES, PINCH MY NIPPLES!!!!!!"
The befuddled cl


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An old cowboy told his grandson...

An old cowboy told his grandson "The secret to a long, healthy life is to put a pinch of gunpowder in your oatmeal every morning." The grandson took this advice to heart, and everyday for the rest of his life put a pinch of gunpowder in his oatmeal every morning. When he died at the age of 132 he left behind 5 children, 12 grandchildren, 35 great grandchildren, 78 great great grandchildr


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MY friends are like second-day socks...

They come through in a pinch, but they really stink sometimes.

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Went out with a bang...

A tough old cowboy with grizzled hair, chiseled featured, and hands tougher than the sharpest barbs on new wire told his grandson that the secret to living a long life was to sprinkle a pinch of gun powder on his oatmeal every morning.

With absolute faith, the grandson did as Grandpap instructed. Every morning for the rest of his life, he added a pinch of gun powder to his oatmeal. <


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What does a washing machine and a women have in common?

They both leak when fucked.

Women of reddit please take this with a pinch of salt.

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An old Soviet joke

An Englishman, a Frenchman and a Russian are talking about their wives.

The Englishman says, "When my wife swallows a cherry with a pit, everyone thinks she is pregnant. I don't want to say that she is starving; I just want to underscore, how carefully she watches her figure."

The Frenchman says, "My wife has seventeen lovers. I don't want to sa


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Ka-BOOOM!

The typical story, girl meets boy. The boy wanted to marry her, only if she was virgin until the wedding night. The problem was, she banged all the male half of the town... so she asked a female friend, who told her to put some powder in her 'gina, because it will make a little snap and she would say "ooh, my God, I lost it"
The wedding night arrives, she goes to the bathroom


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Everyone should have a good, somewhat clean, joke on hand to tell in a pinch. What's yours?

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