Physical

Jokes

Why can't people find physical evidence for George Pell's case?

Because boys can't get pregnant.

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For decades now I'm struggling to find success in dating because of the physical disability I have.

It's called 'being ugly'.

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Why do Driving Instructors make good Physical Therapists?

Because they can teach fine motor skills

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Why is the 10 always afraid?

Because a large minority of people sexually objectify her, and judge her solely on her physical appearance.

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What do you call a physical therapist who believes men are superior?

A massage-inist

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Guy goes to the doctor for a physical.

Doc tells the guy "you're going to have to stop masturbating".
Guy asks "why"?
Doc says "because I'm trying to give you a physical".

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An organic chemist, an analytical chemist, and a physical chemist....

An organic chemist, an analytical chemist, and a physical chemist are asked if a certain horse will win the race. The organic chemist asks what the horse has been eating and drugs given to it. The analytical chemist asks for the makeup of the track and mud. The physical chemist starts with "If we assume that the horse is a sphere..."


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Having trouble with their sex life, a married couple sees a counselor.

"What's the issue?" The counselor asks the couple. They say they're just not enjoying each other like they used to and are at a loss for what to do next.

After a thorough physical examination of the couple, the counselor has an idea. "Try this," said the counselor. "On your way home, go to the store and buy some donuts and some grapes. Sit across the


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- Mom, today I met a physical engineer.

\- That's amazing! What did you tell him?

\- A Big Mac combo please, with extra large fries and a coke.

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At my annual physical yesterday, the doctor gave me a digital rectal exam

Funny, I could have sworn that was anal-og.

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Doctor: You really need to stop masturbating.

Me: Wow! You can tell that just from looking at me?

Doctor: No, I’m trying to finish your physical.

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During his physical examination, a doctor asked a man about his physical activity level.

He described a typical day this way:


"Well, yesterday afternoon, I took a five hour walk about 7 miles through some pretty rough terrain.
I waded along the edge of a lake. I pushed my way through brambles.
I got sand in my shoes and my eyes.
I avoided standing on a snake. I climbed several rocky hills.
I took a few 'leaks' behind


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My doctor told me to stop masturbating

When I asked why, she replied, "becuase I'm giving you a physical."

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My doctor said told me to stop masturbating.

When I asked why, she replied, "becuase I'm giving you a physical."

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Two women had been having a friendly lunch, when the subject turned to sex. You know, John and I have been having some sexual problems." Linda told her friend. Thats amazing! Mary replied. So have Tom and I."



We’re thinking of going to a sex therapist." said Linda.

“Oh, we could never do that! We’d be too embarrassed!” responded Mary. “But after you go, will you please tell me how it went?”

Several weeks passed and the two friends met for lunch again.

“So how did the sex therapy work out, Linda?”


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To celebrate their 10th anniversary, Fruit Ninja decides to host a live event.

They decide to commission for an arcade style game/exhibition to be made where the visitors can pick up physical weapons at each of the fruit stations and hit the designated fruit with them. After they hit the fruit the computer would display their score and play a congratulatory tune if they got above a certain score.

Everything goes smoothly and Fruit Ninja rents a huge outdoor spac


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During her physical examination, a doctor asked a retired woman about her physical activity level.

The woman said she spent 3 days a week, every week, in the outdoors.

"Well, yesterday afternoon was typical;
I took a five hour walk about 7 miles through some pretty rough terrain.

I waded along the edge of a lake.

I pushed my way through 2 miles of brambles.

I got sand in my shoes and my eyes.

I barely avoided stepping


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Vaccines are a disgusting evil to society that cause mental and physical deformities. Thats why Im the proud anti-vaxx mother of 5 beautiful children.

Edit 1: 4 beautiful children

Edit 2: 3 beautiful children

Edit 3: 2 beautiful children

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Two women had been having a friendly lunch, when the subject turned to sex. You know, John and I have been having some sexual problems." Linda told her friend. Thats amazing! Mary replied. So have Tom and I."



"We’re thinking of going to a sex therapist." said Linda.

“Oh, we could never do that! We’d be too embarrassed!” responded Mary. “But after you go, will you please tell me how it went?”

Several weeks passed and the two friends met for lunch again.

“So how did the sex therapy work out, Linda?&rd


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I went to the doctors for my physical last week...

While the doctor was checking my colon, I told him to put another finger in there...I wanted a second opinion.

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Anti vax mum:

Vaccines are a disgusting evil to society that causes mental and physical deformities. That’s why I’m a proud anti-vax mother of five beautiful children.

Edit: four beautiful children

Edit : three beautiful children

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So I went in for a physical...

My doctor recommended that I eat more saturated fats, up my coffee intake to two pots a day, and suggested I take up smoking.

I'm beginning to suspect he knows about his wife and I.

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Joke Help?

Does anyone have a good joke to submit for a job application? It’s a job related to Physical Therapy in the US. Thanks!

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Pirates have always seemed good about employing people with physical disabilities.

Hook hands and peg legs are iconic for them. And they seem to frequently be in the middle to high levels of management.

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A man goes to a hospital to get a physical.

The doctor says "I've determined that you need to stop masturbating so much."

The man asks "Why?"

The doctor says "Because I'm trying to give you a physical."

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Physical Comedy The Rabbit

Mom: Hey, I got a tattoo a month ago, it's among my favorites.

Cousin: oh yeah? I didnt know you had tattoos.

Mom: Yeah, it's a rabbit, because I really love rabbits and I'm the year of the rabbit in Chinese! (Showing your age, pretend to be dumb)

Cousin: where is it?

Mom: It's on my lower back, I'll show you!


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Why are physical therapists always so calm?

Because it's their job to exercise patience.

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My professor had our class write a paper on physical contact in the classroom...

It was a touchy subject

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Why would Gwen Stefani make a bad physical therapist?

She has a strict "Don't tell me cause it hurts" policy.

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My doctor spent 2 hours doing a physical exam on me

He even used a tuning fork on my chest.
He said he didn’t want to leave no sternum untuned.

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Helpful Grammar tips

Farther is for physical distance.

Further is for metaphorical distance.

And Father is for emotional distance.

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Doctor: Sir, you're too arrogant and have not looked after yourself. Tests say any small act of physical exertion will kill you.

Arrogant man: Me? Don't make me laugh!

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All my physical relationships are like past-tense verbs

They end with ED.

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What do you call it when a male physical therapist doesnt support women?

Massage a knee.

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Went to my doctor today for a check up and afterwards he told me my prostate was in peak physical condition....

I thought it was a strange thing for a dermatologist to say but hey good to know

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If physical energy can be turned into thermal energy...

How hard do I need to punch a chicken to cook it?

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I walked in the living room to find my wife breastfeeding our son.

“How long do you have to do that for?” I asked. “When is he too old for it?”

“Well, it’s a physical bond between a mother and her child isn’t it? It’s only the society that deems it unacceptable above a certain age.”

“Yeah, shut up Joe – I was talking to your mother.”


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I was just at the doctor for my physical, and he told me I needed to stop masturbating

I asked why, he said “because I’m trying to examine you”

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So a furry is fairly confused

A furry walks into an algebra class, one of the questions puzzle him
He asked the teacher "Hey, how is this supposed to help us in life?"
The teacher replied "It isn't in a physical sense, but more requires a mathematical perspective"
And thus the Furry replied "OwOK"


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A Man Goes To The Doctor

A man goes to the doctor for a physical. He tells the doctor not to be alarmed, but he has five penises.

The doctor asks, "Five penises?!?!? How do your pants fit?" The man replies, "Like a glove."

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While many enjoy activities where they challenge themselves to their physical limit, I prefer to do the same thing with my mind. That's why I go on Reddit.

to be around other people who also enjoy being mentally challenged.

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A man goes to the doctor for a physical. He tells the doctor not to be alarmed, but he has 5 penises.

The doctor says, " 5 penises!? How do your pants fit?"

The man replies, " like a glove."

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Anyone else agree?

I think Mercy's passive healing ability should heal not just physical pain but emotional pain from Genjis as well.

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There four things we simply cannot choose in this life

1. Our parents
2. Our nationality
3. Our physical attributes
4. The Russian president

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Cobalt and Navy have a huge fight. It gets physical.

What is this? The Dark-Blue Dark-Blue E?

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A man goes to the doctor for a physical

When it comes time for the ole turn-your-head-and-cough routine, the doctor asks the man to pull down his trousers.

The man pulls down his pants and the doctor exclaims 'Wow, you have 5 penises! How do your pants fit??'

The man replies 'Like a glove'

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There was a young boy in a rich family going to a prestigious university.

He was doing well academically but there was a requirement for at least 3 credit hours of physical education. He tried lacrosse, but couldn't get the hang of it, and failed out during his second year. His third year, he tried polo but again, was not coordinated enough and was also afraid of the horses.

During his fourth year, the school let him know that if he didn't pass


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A Buddhist monk works for a large department store on the window displays.

Every day he sets up a new diorama with the mannequins, clothes and other goods from the store.  The effects are dramatic, thought provoking and often breath taking. People come from miles around every day to see the latest creation. Sales at the store and in the surrounding area rocket. The manager stays late and approaches the monk, he offers him a pay rise thanking him for his work but the


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A Physical at the Doctor

A man is at the Dr. getting a physical and she tells him to take off his pants to examine him.

Dr: OMG, what is wrong with your knees!?
Patient: Kneasles.
Dr: Don't you mean measles?
Patient: No it's kneasles, disease of the knees.
Dr: ummm ok, well take off your socks so I can examine your feet.

Dr: OMG, what is wrong with your toes!?


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Two Women Were Playing Golf...

A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning. The first of the twosome teed-off and watched in horror as the ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. Indeed, the ball hit one of the men and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony. The woman rushed down to the man and immediately


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