Peck

Jokes

I told a joke about chicken kisses today...

So my boyfriend and I were fooling around and I was kissing him on the lips really rapidly, so I said "I'm kissing you like a chicken! Peck peck peck peck!" (sidebar, this is when I realized why a quick kiss is called a peck) and this rapid back-and-forth followed...

Bf: lol wot. Chickens don't kiss

Me: how do you know??

Bf: I just know t


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I have a chicken proof lawn

It’s im-peck-able

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Every morning before I go to work I get a peck on the cheek.

I hate that parrot.

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My cock is so big it can make women go blind.

He’ll peck their fucking eyes out if they look at him funny.

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Well and truly fked

Johnny comes out of the pub, and he sees this poor, frail woman standing in the alleyway. Curious, he approaches her. He asks: “what’s wrong Darlin’?”
She starts crying. Through tears, she says: “I’ve never been hugged before”
Feeling kind, Johnny hugs the girl, and then turns to go. But she starts to cry again. “What’s the matter n


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Ahhhh, old romance . . .

Janet was lying in bed one night.  Art was falling asleep, but Janet was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk. She said: "You used to hold my hand when we were courting."

Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to get back to sleep. 

A few moments later she said: "Then you used to kiss me.

Mildly irritated, he


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If If Terrence picked a peck of pickled peppers then why didn't his hands turn green?

The jar.

(Think about it)

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An older couple were lying in bed one night.

The husband was falling asleep but his wife was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk.

She said: “You used to hold my hand when we were courting.”



Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to get back to sleep.

A few moments later she said: “Then you used to kiss me.”

Mildly irritated,


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Two Woodpeckers

A Mexican woodpecker and a Canadian woodpecker were in Mexico arguing about which country had the toughest trees. The Mexican woodpecker claimed Mexico had a tree that no woodpecker could peck.

The Canadian woodpecker accepted his challenge and promptly pecked a hole in the tree with no problem. The Mexican woodpecker was amazed.
The Canadian woodpecker then challenged the Mexic


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Two trees are having an argument in the forest.

I new a sapling has popped up between a maple and a pine and the two of them got into an argument over what kind of tree it is.
The maple thinks it's a son of a birch, and the pine thinks it's a son of a beech. Neither one was willing to concede to the other.
Maple "it's a son of a birch"
Pine "it's a son of a beech"
"Son of a b


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Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers...

That is dirty.... that tongue twister...

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A Mexican woodpecker and a Canadian woodpecker

were in Mexico arguing about which place had the toughest trees. The Mexican woodpecker claimed Mexico had a tree that no woodpecker could peck.

The Canadian woodpecker accepted his challenge and promptly pecked a hole in the tree with no problem. The Mexican woodpecker was amazed.

The Canadian woodpecker then challenged the Mexican woodpecker to peck a tree in Canada tha


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Why did the chicken cross the road?

To meet his friend, Gregory Peck!

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An Alaskan woodpecker and a Texas woodpecker ....

.... were in Alaska arguing about which state had the toughest trees to peck. The Alaskan woodpecker said that they had a tree that no woodpecker can peck. The Texas woodpecker challenged him and was able to peck a hole in the tree with no problem. The Alaskan woodpecker was in awe.


The Texas woodpecker challenged the Alaskan woodpecker to peck a tree in Texas that no woodp


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Brainpeckers

Once upon a time in a little village somewhere in Taxas, a guy named Frank was wandering the fields. Suddenly he had noticed his friend Jane making sheaves of hay. Jane was a very attractive girl that's why our bum got a boner and wanted to get laid. He walked up to her and said, "Have you heard about brainpeckers?". "No, what's that?", was a reply. "Oh, it'


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A joke my father told me

A country woodpecker was visiting his cousin the city woodpecker." "Let's go peck some trees," said the country woodpecker. So they did, but the city woodpecker said, "Ouch, this wood's too hard." His cousin said "What are you taking about? It's fine." A few weeks later the city woodpecker visited the country woodpecker and suggested they go peck s


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My father told me this bike many years ago about two woodpeckers.

A country woodpecker was visiting his cousin the city woodpecker. Let's go peck some trees said the country woodpecker. So they did, but the city woodpecker said, Ouch, this wood's too hard. His cousin said What are you taking about? It's fine.
A few weeks later the city woodpecker visited the country woodpecker and suggested they go peck some wood. The country woodpecker co


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I spent my whole day raising awareness for the environment.

Birds sure peck at you when you attach six-pack rings to them, but man do I feel like I made a difference!

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Romance

An older couple were lying in bed one night. The husband was falling asleep, but the wife was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk.
She said: "You used to hold my hand when we were courting." Wearily, he reached across, held her hand for a second, then tried to get back to sleep.
A few moments later she said: "Then you used to kiss me."
Mildly irritated, he r


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What has a beak but doesnt peck, wings but doesnt fly, and feet but doesnt walk?

A dead bird.

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What has a beak but doesn't peck, a wing but doesn't fly and a feet but doesn't walk?

a dead bird.

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Mrs. Crow hated french kissing

So Mr. Crow gave her a peck.

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How do birds kiss?

They give a peck to the cheek.

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An old man was in hospital. Lying in bed, he leaned over to the pretty young nurse attending to him and whispered in her ear "Give us a kiss, luv!"

"No!", replied the nurse

"Oh go on!", said the man

"No!", replied the nurse again

"Please!", begged the old man, "Just a quick peck on the cheek?"

"For the last time, no!", said the nurse, "I shouldn't even be wanking you off!"


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Why did the chicken cross the road?

To see his friend Gregory Peck.

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It's hard to say what my friend Peter does...

But, he picked a peck of pickled peppers.

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Her name was Bob.

One day I was walking along the beach when I came across a woman with no arms or legs. She stopped me and asked if I could reapply some sunscreen on her, and I obliged. As I was walking away, she informed me she had never been kissed, and pleaded that I bestow her first upon her. I hesitated but finally gave her a little peck. Before I could turn and carry on, she told me that she had never been f


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What is it?

It has wings, but it doesn't fly, it has a beak, but it doesn't peck, it has legs, but it doesn't walk. What is it? A dead crow

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Humorists of Reddit! I challenge your joke inventing skills! First comment gives the punch line the reply is the rest of the joke! (repost from 3 months ago)

posted 3 months ago by someone whom I honestly can't remember, but it was indeed a good time for all.



*example*


Comment: To get to the other side


Reply: Why did the chicken peck away at the apple?

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What do you call the host of a Fox News show on ornithology?

Glenn Peck.

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